Difficult conversations don’t have to be difficult. We all encounter situations that need to be addressed or talked through; these moments can either separate us more from others or draw us closer together. Knowing how to manage your brain as you approach a difficult conversation can turn the experience into a “connecting” conversation.
Difficult Conversations Can Connect Us
For most of my life I’ve tried to avoid difficult conversations unless they were ABSOLUTELY necessary. When an occasional issue arose, it often seemed easier to continue to endure the imperfect circumstances rather than deal with the conflict and drama of actually addressing my concerns with others. It’s true that by not addressing tough issues I had a lot less conflict with others—at least externally. However, the lingering resentment, frustration, and annoyance I felt still drove wedges into my relationships.
As I’ve become more emotionally healthy, I’ve had more courage and emotional capital to work on resolving challenges with others. As I have, I’ve learned something fascinating. Difficult conversations don’t have to push you farther away from others—they can actually draw you closer together.
How to Have A Difficult Conversation
Recently someone said something that really hurt me. I don’t get offended very easily, but this exchange really stabbed. I knew this person didn’t intend to hurt me, and I tried to brush it off. But it continued to bother me and I found myself carrying around resentment and frustration.
In the past, I often avoided confrontation over something like this—it felt way too hard and seemed unnecessary. I told myself “I just need to get over it.” However, the more I tried to ignore it, the more my resentment and irritation grew. I really cared about this person and I could see that this was driving a wedge between us. I felt defensive around this person and I wanted to feel close to them again. I knew it would require a difficult conversation.
According to Life Coach Jody Moore in her e-book “Difficult Conversations,” there are six steps to being successful at a difficult conversation. I will share the six steps she suggests below, and how I applied her wisdom in this challenging situation.
Step 1: Decide If You Are Ready
The best way to decide if you are ready to have a difficult conversation is to determine what your motive is. Your motive will make or break your success.
Ask yourself, “Why do you want to have this conversation?” If you are hoping the other person will apologize or change, they may not and you may be disappointed. We don’t have any control over others and hanging our happiness on others’ behavior often results in frustration. What’s worse is that others can sense our motives. If they feel they are trying to be manipulated or controlled, most people resist. Both parties often end up feeling worse.
If these aren’t motives that are likely to be successful in a difficult conversation, what motives are?
You know you’re ready to have the difficult conversation when your motive is love. You sincerely want to feel closer to the other person and withholding the truth is separating you by lack of understanding on either side, or by causing resentment. Growing up, my mom used this line before a difficult conversation, “I want to tell you something in a spirit of love.” It worked.
Thoughts that are motivated by love can include: I want to clarify something; I want to provide information; I want to increase connection; I want to make a request of someone or clarify a boundary.
In my difficult conversation I referred to above, I initially DID want an apology. I hoped they never said it again. I let myself feel hurt for a while. But I didn’t stay there very long because self-pity gets sticky very quickly. As the pain subsided, I really did want to feel love again toward this person. I wanted to feel close to them again. I wanted to be an emotional adult and provide them information about how this exchange impacted me.
Step 2: Define the Result You Want
Once you get your motive to some version of love, it’s time to define success. The result of your conversation should be about what the person YOU want to be in your relationship and how YOU want to feel.
Jody Moore writes, “Make sure that the result you choose is something 100% in your control. The way the other person reacts is not in your control. How they feel or what they say is not in your control. Whether or not they start acting differently in the future is not in your control. What IS in your control is how YOU feel, think and behave.”
In my experience, I knew that the other person might not apologize and might even be defensive. I knew they might not change or meet my request. I decided that for me, success was to own MY part of the issue. I would share the facts about the exchange and how it had impacted me. I would do it in a spirit of love. I would be curious about this person and what they were thinking and feeling. I would explain what would be helpful in the future. Regardless of their response or behavior, I would feel successful if I fulfilled my part of the conversation in love.
Step 3: Coach Yourself
What you say or do won’t matter as much as how you feel. Your feelings will impact everything else.
Because the person will likely mirror YOUR emotions, it’s important to get your feelings about yourself and the thing you want to say to a place of confidence (not conceit, just confidence). Thoughts like these might help: “I really want to feel closer to this person.” “This is hard, but I can do it.” “I’m prepared, this will turn out well.” “I can do this well enough—it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be honest and loving.”
It’s important to be aware of how you are feeling about the other person as well. People are astute observers of others’ motives and feelings. It’s hard to communicate love when we are angry or irritated. A great substitute for feelings of irritation or anger is feelings of curiosity or compassion. Here are some examples: “They are doing their best, even if their best doesn’t seem very good.” “I wonder what it’s like to be them?” “Maybe they are feeling fear/discouragement etc.—I know what that’s like. It’s awful.”
As I thought about the difficult conversation I was preparing for, I admit that I was nervous. I knew this person didn’t have a particularly great track record for calm responses. I cared about this person and didn’t want to sabotage the relationship. But I told myself, “I can do this. This is the type of person I want to be.” These thoughts helped me feel more confident.
Then I decided to believe that the other person didn’t realize they were hurting me and certainly weren’t intending to. I decided they must have been feeling tired and irritable when they made the comments. It’s hard to do your best when you don’t feel good. I even thought, “I wonder what they meant by this comment?” These thoughts got me to a place of compassion and curiosity.
Step 4: Plan What You’ll Say
It’s good to know what you’ll say, particularly when you’re doing something uncomfortable. If you plan ahead before a stressful situation, when your brain tries to retreat to it’s “primitive place,” your plan can take over. Here’s the basic structure Jody suggests for a difficult conversations:
1. Cushion—Sets tone…may be challenging for them and also for me.
2. Stick to facts (Don’t add in opinions and assumptions). Be specific.
3. Be curious about the other person. (If you can’t get to curious, try confused. It’s better than offended.)
I decided I would say something like this:
“I wanted to share something with you because I really value our relationship. I’m feeling a little nervous to tell you, but it’s important to me that you know. When you said _________, it really hurt me. I can imagine you didn’t even realize it would be hurtful, but I wanted to let you know. Tell me your thoughts.”
After their response, I planned to say something like, “It would help if in the future you wouldn’t say ______________. I’d love to know your thoughts.”
Step 5: Practice
My mother was a believer in practicing what you would say before you said it. She used to help me write out a script for calling people about Girl Scout cookie delivery or calling an adult back about a babysitting job. Before I gave a talk in church, she would get out the feather duster and use it as a mock microphone. My mom would stuff it between the cushions of the couch and have us practice what we would say. As much as we grumbled about it, it really worked. Practicing really gives you more confidence and it helps flush out rough areas.
Write out your difficult conversation or practice it with a friend—even the mirror is a great listener!
I practiced my difficult conversation a few times in my mind. Then my husband graciously listened to what I planned to say. I didn’t use the feather duster, but saying it to someone else helped me practice while still being a little nervous. He’s particularly astute at catching anything that might trigger offense and helped me tweak my plan a little.
Step 6: Have the Conversation
Give the person a heads up that you’d like to talk. Sometimes taking someone off guard can really cause the conversation to go south quickly.
I asked the person if it would work to talk to them. They agreed. My heart was beating fast, but I felt confident because I was feeling love for the person and because I knew what I wanted to say. I shared my short, practiced script.
There was some awkwardness. At first the person was a bit defensive. I didn’t try to defend back. I actually agreed with their points, which were legitimate. This really softened them and they apologized right away. They confirmed that they had no idea they had hurt me and said they would be more careful next time. We chatted a bit more and I understood where they were coming from when they said the comment. We parted on a positive note.
I felt so relieved. I understood this person better and I felt no more resentment or irritation. I had worried that things would be awkward, but I was surprised. Not only was our interaction NOT awkward, I felt our relationship was much better after our interaction. I felt closer to this person and they felt closer to me.
Difficult conversations can connect us if we lead with love and with logic instead of leading with angry emotions and blame.
Be Closer To A Person You Love
What is the difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding?
Consider following the 6 steps of a successful difficult conversation so that you can feel closer to the person you love!
