The brain loves to categorize others and ourselves as “good” or “bad.” But there are many drawbacks to this. Learning to honestly acknowledge the good AND bad in ourselves and others can allow us to be more honest, make changes, and love ourselves and others more deeply.
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Most of us break commitments we make to ourselves many times a day. While it doesn’t SEEM like it’s hurting anyone–it hurts our self-trust and confidence. There is a simple way to improve confidence.
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Decisions drain our mental energy–learning how to streamline the number of decisions you make will help you have more brain space to to what you want to.
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The brain loves to review how we are not enough. And it’s true sometimes we aren’t enough. But it’s also ALWAYS true that we ARE enough. We find evidence of this when we look for it.
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Most of us don’t like to be “bad” at things–especially in front of other people. However, the only way to become “good” at a skill is to first be “bad.” Being willing to be bad opens us up to so many opportunities to learn and grow and contribute.
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Labels can help us realize there’s nothing wrong with us. They can help us understand others. But, they can also divide us from others and keep us from progressing. Most labels aren’t facts, they are choices. Learn how decide when labels are hurting and when they are helping you and how to get rid of the ones that aren’t serving you.
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Our family has been traveling through New Zealand for the last couple of weeks. We visited Hobbiton; the movie set for the motion picture of the famous book, “The Hobbit,” by JRR Tolkien.
As we wandered through the rolling hills, picturesque gardens, and hobbit holes, I began to think about the story of Bilbo Baggins. He was a hobbit who lived a comfortable life eating 6 times a day, and enjoyed friends and other creature comforts.
Gandalf, the wizard, appears one day and invites Bilbo on an adventure. He promises him great reward. Bilbo has to choose between comfort and adventure. Immediately he turns down the opportunity. Why would anyone go on an adventure which includes risk and discomfort, when they could in a safe, comfortable life instead?
I have been thinking about this question in light of the new year and setting goals. What is it I really want? Do I want comfort? Or adventure? Why?
For me, comfort looks like setting goals that are fairly similar to last year’s goals. Things I know I can reach. It looks like repeating the same types of behaviors I did this past year because they work well enough. It’s certain, it’s easy it doesn’t require lots of extra energy and there is low stress. I’m also not likely to fail at it.
For example, it would be fairly comfortable for me to set goals like “exercise daily” which I already do but want to continue.
However, I also know already the result of these “comfort” goals. It’s what I am and what I have now. It’s fine. But, if I want to create differentresults, if I want to become a differentand better version of myself I must do something different.
Evolving into someone different requires some adventure. Perhaps not traveling through enchanted forests and fighting trolls—but trying to do new things, interacting in differently, thinking and feeling differently. Adventurous goals look like something feels unknown…uncertain and maybe even impossible.
For example, while “exercise daily” is a comfortable goal that I do most of the time anyway, a goal like run a 10k in 50 min. sounds a bit more daunting. You know you’ve hit on an adventurous goal when you start feeling a bit nervous or queasy about it.
As Bilbo is trying to decide between comfort and adventure, Gandalf promises him, “I cannot guarantee you will come back. However, I can guarantee that if you do come back, you will never be the same.”
This is exactly why adventure matters. It pushes and stretches us to become the next version of ourselves. We have to become someone different in the process of our journey. In order to do something we’ve never done before, we have to become someone we’ve never been before. We have to think differently, feel different feelings and do different actions. This expands us. And indeed once we have taken the adventure and become someone new—we are never the same.
To some this idea of becoming a new person sounds wonderful—to others it sounds a bit uncertain. But I would like to offer that we are constantly becoming someone different. If we choose adventurous goals, we continue to become a better version of ourselves. However, if we choose comfort we also change. While things around us may feel the same, we’re still changing—just degenerating.
When we’re not moving forward we’re actually moving backwards. It’s a bit like skiing—if you stand still or go too slow, you fall over. Surprisingly, increased speed gives you more stability.
We won’t be the same by the end of next year no matter what type of goals we choose. The choice is not between staying the same and becoming better, it’s the choice between becoming better or worse. Choosing comfort may make us a worse version of ourselves. Choosing adventure has the potential to make us a better version of ourselves. Either way we won’t be the same at the end of the year.
By not choosing adventure we risk degenerating.
Degenerating in our skills, talents, confidence and character is a significant risk of choosing comfort. However, adventures often comes with risks as well; disappointment, humiliation, rejection, lost time, lost money, or discouragement. These are indeed risks. It’s important to consider them. Sometimes the risk may not be worth it. Our risk assessment should certainly include not only the end result we hope to obtain, but the collateral benefit of undertaking the goal.
Some of the benefits might be difficult to see from the start—often our biggest successes are the collateral ones we obtain by simply undertaking the adventure. Our success is not only what we gain at the end. Meaning—just by attempting something new, we develop new skills and interests and confidence.
Bilbo had some significant risks—dying was certainly top of the list. And, even if he survived, failing to get the reward was certainly likely. Bilbo ultimately decides to undertake the adventure, despite the risks. We know of course that he does succeed and survive despite all of the obstacles. However, even if he had quit part way through or gotten to the end and not succeeded in getting the reward he planned on, he would have gained a lot. New friends, new confidence, new experiences, and so much more.
The same is true for us.
For example, I played tennis in high school. But I haven’t played for a long time. It would be easy and comfortable just to set a goal like “play 1-2 times a week” or “take tennis lessons.” I’m likely to succeed in that goal. However, I’m not likely to become a whole lot better tennis player either.
In contrast, if I set out on “an adventure” to be a 4.0 rated tennis player, I am risking failure. I am risking disappointment as well as wasted time or money on equipment, lessons and playing. However, if I work hard and still fall short there are many collateral benefits I obtain—tennis skill, fitness, possibly friends, confidence, and determination. I get to keep all of these regardless of whether I reach my goal or not. And I wouldn’t necessarily get them by working toward my comfortable goal.
There are risks with choosing adventure. But, there are risks with choosing comfort. As you weigh the benefits against the risks remember to count the hidden benefits as well.
Like our friend Bilbo Baggins, every day we are offered small propositions for adventure or comfort. The choices we make determine who we will become eventually. We can help choose adventurous goals for the new year by asking ourselves, “Who do I want to be at the end of this year?”
Do you want to keep leaving dishes in the sink or be a person who feels on-top of the a clean kitchen? Do we want to have deeper friendships or binge watch more shows? Do you want to be 5 pounds heavier or 5 pounds lighter? Once you decide who you want to be at the end of the year ask, “What adventure might help me become that?”
Happy New Year. And good luck on your new adventure.
Failure is only failure when we think of it as the end. When failure become the middle of our story–it’s just a plot twist that can make our story richer.
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Where someone criticizes us, we often have a negative and defensive reaction. But these feelings are unnecessary. There are two questions we can ask ourselves when we are criticized that can help us leave the situation feeling good and can improve our relationships as well.
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Our brains think they are protecting us from emotional “danger” by feeling anxious to meet new people. But ironically our brain creates the very problem we want to avoid…awkwardness. There are some simple ways to over-ride your lower brain so you can have more confidence meeting new people.
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