Failure doesn’t have to be a shameful, disappointing experience. It is possible to enjoy failing. It may sound a bit far-fetched, but it’s possible….and it’s essential to living a life where you are creating results you love. It all comes down to how you think about failing.
Why We Don’t Like to Fail
I don’t know many people who LIKE to fail. What is it about failure that we’re afraid of? For most people failing causes feelings of disappointment, guilt, or shame. Since none of us like experiencing those feelings, we avoid anything that would produce them: we don’t go to the exercise class because we might look weird, we don’t talk to someone new because they might not like us, we don’t try something new because we “don’t know how.”
Failure Can Be Fun
What if failure brought a totally different set of feelings? What if failing was motivating, fascinating, or even fun? It can be.
My daughters and I tried to get a taxi the other day. We live in China, but don’t speak Chinese yet. The first empty taxi looked at us and drove right past. The second one purposely moved to the furthest lane to avoid us. The third one stopped, but after looking at the address, he yelled something at us in Chinese and motioned for us to get out.
At this point my girls and I were discouraged. It was hot and we were all complaining; we wanted to go home and give up. My brain kept offering me thoughts like, “Why won’t these taxis take us?” “Is there something wrong with us?” “This is so frustrating!” But those thoughts caused me to feel disappointed, embarrassed and frustrated.
I wanted to set a different tone for my kids. I said, “Let’s see how many taxis it will take to get one that will drive us. I bet it will be nine.” My kids perked up and took bets on how many it would be. As the taxis drove by us it turned into a game to see who would get closest to their bet. Eventually we got a taxi, and were on our way. Amazingly, our spirits were high—we had fun comparing how many times it took to get a taxi versus how many we had guessed (one of my daughters won with her guess of seven). Changing our failure into a game made it fun.
How to Fail the Right Way
Most great people have failed many times. Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed ten thousand times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those ten thousand ways will not work.” I’m glad Thomas Edison didn’t stop when he failed. Each time he tried something that didn’t work, he considered it helpful information that got him closer to figuring out what WOULD work.
What if we thought about failing differently? What if we thought about failing as gathering information to figure out eventually what WILL work? What if we made it a game?
Ramit Sethi, a financial expert who has been featured in many popular news sources, has a refreshing perspective on failure. He believes that failure is evidence that we are stretching ourselves and accomplishing all that we can. He says he expects to fail at least 5 times per month. If he isn’t failing, he says he’s not working hard enough. He keeps track of his failures and uses them as evidence that he is stretching himself, learning, growing, and becoming better. If we aren’t failing on a regular basis, we probably aren’t living our lives to the fullest.
The Wrong Kind of Failure
Failing to try something or not showing up fully in the things we commit to, isn’t the kind of failure that will help us succeed. It is self-sabotage. This type of failing drives us deeper into shame, guilt and despair. The kind of failure that really helps us is the kind where we go all in, but don’t make it. This kind of failure allows us to learn something, and to become stronger.
Failure Lets Us Reach Impossible Goals
The key to failing in the right way is showing up completely. Setting difficult goals and being confident enough to fail in front of others. When we do fail, we don’t beat ourselves up about it. We consider our failures as information that will help us succeed—we turn failure into a game. The upside of failing is getting huge results—results most people are too afraid to pursue or that they believe they can’t obtain: close relationships, health, success, and happiness. Sometimes it costs a few failures, but it’s worth it.
Be Confident Enough to Fail
What are you afraid of failing at?
Change the way you think about failure. Consider it a chance to learn what DOESN’T work and get closer to what does. You may even consider setting a failure quota to measure how far you are stretching yourself.
