My doctor’s office in DC was boarding up the windows to protect against rioters which have been protesting the death of George Floyd and other unjust treatment of African Americans.

Asking

I asked my doctor, who is black, how she was doing with everything going on. She said, “My whole life I’ve felt like people around me value me differently because of my skin color.  It’s exhausting. Often, their discrimination is often not overt,” she explained.

Intent Can Be Different Than Impact

“Well-meaning people do things intending to be kind. But their words or actions reveal an underlying discomfort with someone who is different than them. It feels terrible to be on the other end of that,” my doctor said. 

One time someone reached up and patted her hair without asking.  “No one should be treated like a pet,” she said.   Another time a white patient quoted a vulgar line of Snoop Dog to her—trying to “connect.”  The patient didn’t even know what the phrase meant.  “When people try a little too hard it makes me feel like they feel awkward around me,” She said.

My doctor acknowledged their intentions weren’t bad, but the impact of their words and actions revealed their negative bias. I learned a lot listening to my doctor. 

Intent doesn’t always translate to impact.  Sometimes intent isn’t enough. It’s important to understand the impact on the other person.

Don’t See Nothing, See Me

One of the things my doctor shared was how unhelpful this statement is, “I’m color-blind.  I see everyone the same.”

She explained, “That kind of thinking is minimizing the problem not solving it. If people don’t see color, they don’t see me.”

She said, “I WANT people to see that I’m black. We AREN’T all the same.  I grew up on a poor neighborhood with a single mom and have experienced racism every day of my life.  It’s exhausting.”

“Saying we are all the same minimizes my experience. I want them to see me, see my skin color, AND understand ME and my life experience.”

Listening

I learned something interesting listening.

This is about more than just equal treatment. It’s about seeing skin color, not ignoring it.  It’s about understanding each other and our experiences–really seeing each other not just co-existing. I know I have more to learn.

The Power of Thought

Some people have criticized social media campaigns as ineffective because they are just words.  But I disagree.  Ideas can be more powerful than guns.. if we are willing to listen to each other. And, if we are willing to be wrong. Are you?

Are you willing to challenge some of your own beliefs? The beliefs we hold collectively as a society is what creates the outcomes we have of more violence and discrimination agains people of color.

If we want a different outcome, we have to start with different thoughts. Everyone–regardless of the amount of melanin in our skin have work to do.

We’ll need to be patient with each other in the process. Changing the way all of us think takes time, and deliberate practice. But it’s possible.

We Can Do Better

As we understand better, we can do better.  Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.”  I’m committing to keep trying to understand better and do better as I learn.  Are you?