There isn’t any one “right” thing to say to someone who has lost someone, and everyone experiences grief differently however there are a few principles that might help guide interactions with people who are experiencing grief.
Most of us experience difficulty in our lives, and feeling the love and support of others can make this experience so much better. After my mom passed away, many people reached out in love and generosity. I appreciated ALL these kind overatures. They encircled my family in arms of love during a very difficult time.
I also learned a lot during this time about what types of interactions are most helpful.
Mistake #1 Try to Make Someone Feel Better
This seems like such a noble motive. It’s natural to feel bad for someone when they suffer. Our inclination is to make them feel better so they won’t suffer any more. We might be inclined to say things like, “You’ll see them again.” “They are in a better place now.” “You have so many things to be grateful for.” While well intended, the problem with this type of comment is that it fails to validate how the person is feeling.
It never feels good to be told how to act or what to feel–especially if the person hasn’t been through the same experience. In fact, comments like these may even give the indication that you don’t think the loss really is a big problem. Feeling misunderstood can cause people to hold onto emotions longer and be less able to move through them to other emotions when they have processed them.
A Better Approach: Ask How Someone is Feeling or Do Something Kind
Ask questions to allow someone to share how they are feeling. Sometimes it is awkward when a person is struggling. We like to hear that people are doing well. However, what they often need is just to be able to express how they are doing and feel that it is understood and accepted. This helps them process feelings, which is actually what allows us to let them go. I remember when a friend said simply, “How are you?” That was the kindest thing they could have said.
I remember when my mom was going through chemo, and my Dad was trying to balance a career and fill the roles of both parents, many people did kind things that were so thoughtful. One neighbor came over on garbage day and took the garbage cans out to the curb. It meant so much to my Dad who had so many things going. Some friends came and planted flowers in our flower pots on the front porch–something my mother would have loved to do herself but wasn’t up to. Other friends brought a thoughtful gift and left in on the porch every week while my mom was sick to give her something to look forward to. The Christmas after my mom passed away our Aunt Katie had ornaments made for each of us that represented something each of us individually loved about our mom. There were so many sweet things people did, it is impossible to name them all–but each of them made us feel loved.
Mistake #2 Empathize by Projecting From Our Own Experiences
As humans we want others to know we care and understand. In an attempt to help others know that we recognize how hard this situation is, we might be inclined to assume how someone is feeling. We might share our own experience, and our own feelings with it.
Sometimes this CAN be very helpful. But other times it’s not. For example, when someone loses a child, we might be inclined to say, “I know how you feel–my grandparent just passed away.” It was well intentioned, however it could actually be hurtful to someone to think you are comparing the magnitude of loss of the passing of a grandparent to the magnitude of loss of a child. This can cause someone to feel that you don’t understand.
Sometimes people who are struggling with loss DO want to talk to people who have been through what they have experienced. Each type of loss is different; loss of a parent, a child, a sibling, a spouse, a grandparent, a friend, suicide, homicide, traumatic death etc. When we have experienced the same type of loss as someone else, they are often more open to our experiences. However, even two people who have been through a similar experience–or event the same experience–may grieve and process the experience in a very different way. There are no “shoulds” when it comes to what to feel during loss.
A Better Approach: Share How Much the Person They Lost Meant to YOU
One of the things my family did during the time my mom was in her final days was to solicit any memories of my mother. People sent them by email, posted them on her blog, mailed them, called them in and told us themselves. It was so uplifting to see the incredible impact she had had on so many people as we read her the notes and sentiments people shared. After her passing, those tributes stand as a monument to her legacy and remind us of who she was.
I really appreciated all the wonderful people who had lost their mothers who listened and shared with me after I lost my mom. I remember my Curtis cousins who had lost their mother to Ovarian Cancer a few years before, all sent us flowers that would grow through the winter as a symbol of hope and growth. They all came to the funeral which meant a great deal. The Westover Family in our ward who had lost their mother 5 or 6 years earlier (also to cancer) brought over a box of presents for each of us for our first Christmas without our mom. My Aunt Nanny who had lost her mother, invited us to her home for a few days to talk about grieving and to process together. These and so many more beautiful gestures were so meaningful to us.
Mistake #3 Awfulize
When we know someone is struggling, another inclination we have sometimes is to awfulize how the person must be feeling and try to communicate that to them. We might say, “That is SO hard.” Or “You must be struggling so much.” or “I don’t know how you do that.” Sometimes this can be helpful to the person. However, if the person isn’t feeling those things it can make the person feel awkward–that maybe they SHOULD be feeling a particular way and they aren’t.
We might say, “I could never handle it, if my mom dies.” We mean to express that we recognize the magnitude of the experience. However, on the receiving end it can feel awkward–the person did not choose this difficulty because they thought they could handle it. It simply happened, and they are getting through it the best they can.
A Better Approach: Express Love and Concern
Rather than assuming how someone is feeling, it is better to ask them. “How are you doing?” “How are your spirits?” Follow their lead–if they want to talk, then listen. If not, they know you care. I remember when I flew back to China after the funeral and my friends Rosemay and Ryan showed up at my doorstep with dinner and hugs. I remember my friend Anny took me out to lunch after my mom died and just listened and asked questions. It allowed me to process and be exactly where I was in my grieving process.
Mistake #4 Assume the Person Will Get Over it
After several months had passed, it can be common for people to say things like “Are you healed?” Or, “Are you over it?” The interesting thing with grief is that is does become less acute over time, but it never fully goes away. It is episodic and comes and goes at unexpected times. As an outsider, it can feel like after a reasonable amount of time has passed, that people should “move on.” While it is true that staying in sorrow too long can turn into self-pity, it is never helpful to judge when it’s time for someone else to be less consumed with grief. Sometimes pointing this out to someone in grief or self-pity can have the opposite effect of what’s intended–causing the person to dig in their heels deeper into grief and self-pity in order to show how deeply they are hurting.
A Better Approach: Assume the Person Will Always Feel Some Pain
Assume the person will always have some level of grief over their loss. A kind statement is, “How has it been for you?” Or, “What has that been like?” This allows the person to share without the overarching message that healing is a phase that should be completed.
Mistake #5 Avoid The Person
Sometimes because we are worried we will say the wrong thing, we don’t say anything at all! Or, because we don’t know what to bring, we don’t go visit. This is understandable, but actually this can be more hurtful than saying or bringing the wrong thing. Often when someone is grieving, they feel particularly vulnerable. When they feel avoided it can feel even more lonely, and awkward and can even be more hurtful than saying or doing the wrong thing.
A Better Approach: Do Something
Even if it isn’t the perfect approach, ere on the side of action. Saying or doing something is always better than nothing. When my mom found out she had cancer, some of her friends showed up at her home with just a hug. My mom said it was one of the kindest things anyone did for her. After my mom died, someone sent my Dad a letter saying, “I’m not even sure what to say, but I just wanted to tell you I care.” It was one of his favorite notes. I remember I appreciated when people simply acknowledged my mom’s passing. “I’m so sorry to hear about your mom.”
A Note to Those in Grief
It can be painful to hear comments of those who are trying to help–but may not understand. Their comments may at times sound insensitive or naive. Be careful not to shut people down or they will stop reaching out. You are in a vulnerable place, and the love others offer can be a healing balm even if it is a little awkward or imperfect.
One thing I found helpful was to consider all the overtures people made as little love notes; like I was collecting this elementary school box of valentines from all these people who cared. Some were more helpful or meaningful, but all were intended to show love. Thinking about the comments and efforts of those who reached out allowed me to feel an incredible outpouring of love without being offended if people didn’t offer it in exactly the way I would have hoped.
My Aunt gave me some invaluable advice after my mom passed away. She suggested when you are the one grieving, create space for people to help you grieve. If people don’t ask the question you want to share about, share what’s in your heart. Try to picture their motive, not their words. Open your heart to others even if they don’t hold the space perfectly. Sharing some will be so much more fulling than ruminating about how they didn’t respond correctly. We’re all in this together; figuring out how to help each other.
Compassion in Action
On the first mother’s day after her passing, my aunt Natalie sent this picture and poem. It helped to capture how I was feeling and provided healing balm to my hurting heart.
. Is there something on my back? By Caitlyn Connolly
Heavy
By Mary Oliver
That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying
I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had his hand in this,
as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,
was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel,
(brave even among lions),
“It’s not the weight you carry
but how you carry it –
books, bricks, grief –
it’s all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it
when you cannot, and would not,
put it down.”
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?
Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?
How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe
also troubled –
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?
This lovely creative offering was a way of offering feeling empathy without assuming, judging, or giving advice. It simply acknowledged the event and offered validation.
