Most supermarkets here in China require customers to have their bags of fruits and veggies individually weighed and labeled before going to the check-out counter. The first time I bought produce, I waited in a line at the weighing station to have my fruits and veggies labeled. When I got to the front of the line, I tried to place my first item on the scale. As I did, a hand reached out in front of me and put a bag of beans on the scale before I set my bag down. I was confused. A man had cut in front of me. I ignored it and let him finish. After I weighed my first bag, I went to put the second bag of apples on and another person placed their watermelon on the scale before me. Seriously?! I started to get frustrated. “People aren’t supposed to act like this,” I thought to myself.
Manuals
When we buy a new car or a new appliance, we usually receive a manual that tells us how the item should operate. In a similar way, each of us, whether or not we realize it or not, has “manuals” about how people in our lives should act. We create instructions and expectations for people around us. We decide how other people should drive, what our husbands should do for our birthdays, and how our children should respond when we ask them to do something.
Manuals Don’t Work
Unfortunately, even though our manuals might seem reasonable and even helpful, they don’t work. Others often don’t know about our manuals for them, and even when they do they often don’t follow them. When we allow our happiness and love to depend on whether or not people follow our manuals, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
The Problem with Manuals
We give away our power of feeling good to others when we make our happiness dependent on whether they do what they are “supposed” to do. And always expecting others to act a certain way can make us appear needy or even desperate. Even if others do what we have written in our manuals, it is often insincere, and they often feel resentful because they feel our love is conditional. When they try to please us by following the manual, it can even prevent from being who they really are! The result is that manuals often cause stress and disconnection in relationships.
Throw Out Your Manual
One of the most freeing experiences you can create for yourself is to throw out your manuals for others. There are a few benefits to getting rid of our manuals. We take back power over how we feel—we no longer depend on others to act a certain way for us to feel good. This frees us up to enjoy others as they are—and love them without conditions. Love always drives our best actions and usually elicits the best actions of others.
Throwing out your manuals doesn’t mean you allow people to take advantage of you or to treat you poorly. We can allow others to act how they want to, but we must set boundaries and enforce them to keep ourselves safe. We can always make requests of others and let them know how we wish they would behave—we just don’t want to hang our happiness on whether they comply or not.
How to Get Rid of Your Manual
First, be willing to accept that the other person might not change. Instead, when others don’t act the way you think they should, try substituting curiosity for irritation.
Next, sincerely question what it is you expect of the other person and why. Ask yourself why they act the way they do and what their intentions are. Often our pain is driven by ascribing intentions to others’ actions, but our assumptions are not always accurate. Consider if there are any benefits of their current behavior to them or to you.
Finally, choose who you want to be and how you want to feel even if they never act in the way you want them to. Remember, you don’t get to choose how they act, but you always get to choose how you feel by the thoughts you think.
My Manual Revisited
At the grocery store in China, I clearly had a manual for fellow shoppers, and it included the expectation that they wait in line. While this expectation seemed reasonable, it didn’t change the fact that others were jumping in front of me; in fact, my expectation only made me feel more miserable.
I started to get curious. Why did they cut in line? Originally, I assumed it was because they were selfish and rude. But as I thought about it more, I realized they come from a country of over a billion people. Throughout much of their history, they have had limited resources. They even have a saying to explain the lack of resources people faced over centuries: “There are many monks but only a little gruel.” I found myself understanding how it could make sense to have a “survival-of-the-fittest” type of attitude.
The next time I went to the store I asked myself, “Who do I want to be in this situation?” Do I want to be someone who’s giving dirty looks and boxing out other customers? Do I want to feel irritated? Is it really that big of a deal if it takes me two minutes longer to get through the veggie weighing line?
I decided I wanted to feel calm and I wanted to feel love for the people around me, even if that meant it took a bit longer to get through the line. I realized other people didn’t have to wait in line for me to feel calm and respected. I could feel this anytime I wanted by the thoughts I chose to think.
The next time I was in line at the store, I turned around and saw a woman with a young child. I smiled at her. She smiled back. A man in front of me dropped something and I picked it up. When it was my turn, I put my veggies on the scale. As expected, a woman who wasn’t in line put her eggplant in front of my oranges. Feelings of irritation began to swell up inside me, but I reminded myself that I might do the same thing if I had grown up in a country with a billion people all clamoring for resources.
I calmly smiled at her, and got my bag ready to weigh after she finished. After the oranges, someone else put their veggies on, but the woman behind me said something to them in Chinese and they stopped. She motioned for me to put my next bag on. I completed my veggie weighing without interruption. I smiled and thanked her. I would have felt calm regardless, but I was amazed at how much better the experience was when I got rid of my manual and chose love instead. Love is amazing.
Substitute Your Manuals for Unconditional Love
When you notice yourself feeling frustrated with someone else, and thinking if they would just ___________, ask yourself these questions:
- What do you wish they would do? Get out a piece of paper and list your desires and expectations. Don’t hold back.
- Why do you wish they would act this way? Keep asking why. (The ultimate reason usually boils down to a feeling: we want to feel loved or appreciated.)
- How is believing that they SHOULD do this working out for you?
- Why do you believe they are acting this way?
- Is there any benefit to them for acting the way they are? What about a benefit to you?
- What would happen if you believed that they were doing their best? What would happen if you stopped expecting them to change? How would you act differently? How would they act differently?
- What would unconditional love for you and them look like in this situation?
