Falling Short of Expectations

One of my clients told me she was disappointed that the other day her daughter was too nervous to go into her gymnastics class.  She had a lot of legitimate reasons why this was a problem.  The class cost money and it felt like a waste that she missed it. She felt like her daughter wasn’t learning to deal with difficult emotions and push through.  And, frankly, it was embarrassing to deal with it in front of other parents.  She worried about the situation for a few days afterwards.  

All of these things are relatable.  We want our kids to be successful and when they fall short of our expectations it’s easy to feel disappointed and frustrated.  

Brain Programming Default:  Something Has Gone Wrong

Our brains come programmed with software entitled “Something has gone wrong.”  In order to protect us from danger (physical or emotional) our brains look for threats.  In addition, our brains want us and our children to be evolving into the best version of ourselves, so when we fall short of that our brain flags it as a major problem.  

Logically, this alert system in the brain seems helpful.  And it is, when there is really danger.  It could alert us to move or fight.  But most of the time there isn’t legitimate danger.  There is simply a gap between our expectation and reality.    Assuming that things have gone terribly wrong every time this happens can lead to discouragement instead of improvement.   And, assuming things have gone wrong when our kids fall short of our expectations often leads to conflict and doesn’t drive our best parenting.  

How Could This Be Perfect for Her?

I pointed out to my client that this situation was neutral.  Her daughter didn’t go to gymnastics.  Her brain was interpreting this as a big problem because her daughter missed the class and didn’t learn to do difficult things.  I asked her if it was possible that this same situation could be interpreted as the perfect thing for her daughter. 

She thought about it. She said it gave her a chance to connect with her daughter.  She was able to help her daughter recognize her feeling as anxiety.  She told her daughter it’s okay to feel some anxiety. She helped her process her feelings. She also encouraged her to go back in, even with some anxiety.  But the daughter wasn’t ready.  In talking to her daughter more, my client realized that when they were late, it stressed her daughter out.  So, she listened to her daughter and they made a plan to be on-time next week.  It allowed her daughter to feel understood and see that her mom was willing to change in order to help her. 

In the end my client decided that the connection, teaching and relationship building that occurred through this exchange was way more valuable that the cost of the gymnastics class, or the sport instruction she could have received.  Recognizing this allowed her to feel so much more peace about the situation.  She will still keep encouraging her to go into gymnastics class, but she won’t carry this angst or irritation about the missed class.  Operating from peace allows best mom she can.  

Changing the Brain Programming

If we find ourselves irritated, frustrated or exhausted when we or our kids fall short of expectations, it could be a good time to stop and decide if things have actually gone terribly wrong like our brain is offering us.  We can ask ourselves the question, “How is it possible that this is perfect for me or my child?”  Simply asking the question allows your brain to look for new evidence that your brain has overlooked.  

As you find new evidence that this is the “perfect” thing for them or for you, it allows you to replace the feelings of irritation, frustration or exhaustion with feelings of acceptance or peace.  

Shifting Your Programming in Big and Small Ways

This mindset change can be powerful in big things as well as day to day experiences.  This has been an important shift for me in looking at the experience of the Foreign Service on my children.  You can read more about my perspective change in this article.  However just recently, I had an opportunity to use this tool with my daughter in a small exchange.  

One of my daughters decided to spend her allowance on a Lego set.  It was quite expensive and I mentioned to her that it would take all of her money.  She went ahead and bought it.  Later that week, the rest of my daughters were excited about buying something. They got out their allowance.  But the daughter with the Lego set didn’t have any money.  I felt bad for her because she was left out.  I didn’t want her to be disappointed.  Part of my wanted to rush in and give her a little money.  But I didn’t.  I asked myself, how is this perfect for her.  It’s perfect because it helps her learn the value of money, and it helps her recognize that we have to chose between things we want.  And that lesson did.  She really reflected about her Legos.  She said, “I’m glad I bought the Legos.”  Think of all the learning she would have lost if I had thought about the situation as everything has gone wrong because she is feeling left out.  

As we stop and supervise our brains, we can often replace the software, “something has gone wrong,” with the software, “this is perfect for my child.”  

Change Your Programming

Here are some suggestions for dealing with those times when we or our kids don’t live up to our expectations and you find yourself feeling frustrated and unsure what to do next.  

1. Consider the question:  how is it possible that this is perfect for me or my child?
2. Look for evidence that this could be true: 

3.  Observe how you act when you believe that it is the perfect thing instead of that everything has gone wrong.