I have always considered myself a nice person.  I once thought this was a good thing, but I’ve changed my mind.. 

Being a “nice” person often means I’m not very nice to myself.  It wreaks havoc on my emotional life and can actually negatively impact people around me as well.  

David Burns, a Stanford professor and psychologist, estimates that over 75% of people who suffer from anxiety have what he calls, “The Niceness Disease.”  

I’ve created a pseudo clinical profile for “The Niceness Disease” to help you “diagnose” and “treat” yourself and even inoculate yourself from being infected in the future.  As a former sufferer from this disease, I can say it’s possible to heal from it and life is much happier on the other side.  

What is “The Niceness Disease”?

The Niceness Disease is an umbrella term for the negative consequences of being nice at the expense of your own feelings, beliefs, and needs.  

“Nice” people usually care about what others think.  They are people who don’t like to ruffle feathers, people who like to please others, and people who hate putting others out.  

Being “nice” in this way has a great upside of being easy to be around and being very likable.  However, in order to keep the peace with others and maintain their own perceived likability, people with the niceness disease often discount or at least don’t express their own real feelings—even to themselves.  This can cause a host of problems.  

The good news is, this disease is completely treatable.  Even better—the cure is not particularly difficult or complicated, but it makes a world of difference in sufferers.  

“Nice” is Different Than “Kind”

Before we get to the cure for this disease, it’s important to clarify the difference between being nice and being kind.  Niceness is doing what others want you to do to keep the peace or please them.  Kindness is doing something thoughtful for someone else because you want to help them.  Kindness is essential to connecting with others and to feeling true happiness.  Niceness is not.  

DIAGNOSIS

The niceness disease is often difficult to detect because it’s shrouded in friendly behavior and even reinforced by positive social feedback. 

However, sufferers often share some or all of the following symptoms:

• Is very likable
• Is excessively friendly or gracious: always saying and doing the socially “right” things others want us to say and do
• Rarely feels or expresses “negative” emotion; believes that a good person should always say “yes” and act perfectly
• Is often discouraged from feeling it’s impossible to live up to others’ expectations
• Feels exhausted from constantly worrying about what others think and placing others’ needs above their own  
• Is a perfectionist: believes they must do things perfectly and be perfect
• Feels resentment: believes other people don’t respect them or that others expect and ask too much from them
• Feels anxiety

 If you have more than a couple of these symptoms, you likely have some degree of the “niceness disease.”

CAUSES

Perfectionism Causes Discouragement

Feeling that one has to be “nice” in order to be liked often leads to behavioral perfectionism.  People with the niceness disease often feel if they express how they really feel, or directly confront issues with others, they will ruin their relationships and people will not like them.  Perfectionism often leads to discouragement since it’s impossible to be perfect.  We’re always trying to measure up to something that can’t be accomplished.  

Keeping Emotions Hidden is Exhausting

Keeping emotions bottled up makes the feelings bigger.  The emotions keep getting louder because they want to be heard.  Keeping feelings down is a lot of work, like trying to keep a beach ball under the water only to find that it keeps popping up—it takes all our strength and focus to keep it under the water.   When we don’t allow are feelings to be expressed, we start to feel anxious because it’s exhausting to keep our emotions down!

Acting In a Way You Don’t Want To Can Breed Resentment

Most nice people believe they “should” do things, even if they don’t want to.  This breeds resentment, particularly when their efforts aren’t noticed or appreciated. 

Fear Your Needs Won’t Get Met Causes Anxiety

If you feel like your needs won’t be heard, even by yourself, it becomes stressful and even scary to be with others—our primitive brain worries that our own needs won’t be met.  It responds by causing us to feel anxiety, which is our body’s way of saying “Hey, you won’t get what you need to survive there!”  In addition, it can be exhausting to manage other’s perceptions all the time, and the motivation to be with others goes way down when we know it’s going to be a lot of work and stress.  

TREATMENT

Just like any other disease, treatment requires getting rid of the pathogen causing your sickness.  In this case, the thing causing the disease is hidden emotions.  

The treatment is quite simple: feel your emotions.  Let your hidden emotions out.  

Many people are afraid to “feel” their emotions because they are afraid they will act in a way they don’t want to.  It’s possible to just feel an emotion without acting on it.  Check out this article about how to process an emotion.

Even if you do act out on it, often authenticity allows you to connect with someone more than stiff niceness, which hides your true emotions.  Check out this article on how this principle applies to having difficult conversations.

PREVENTION

Other People’s Feelings are Their Business

We often talk about “hurting” other’s feelings, as if we inflict something on others by what we do or say.  But the truth is, we can’t “make” anyone feel any way.  People choose how they feel about, regardless of what we do or say.   Others’ feelings are their own business.  It is wonderful to show up in a kind and helpful way for others, but how they feel about how we show up is THEIR business.  Trying to manage others’ emotions is fruitless and exhausting.  The sooner we decide to let go of trying to manage how others feel, the sooner we are likely to free ourselves up to actually be emotionally available to really help others.

Decide It’s Okay For People To Be Wrong About You

Despite our best efforts and perfectionism, some people may not like you.  As humans, we judge each other.  Sometimes we mis-judge each other.  We have preferences about what we like and what we don’t.  We irritate each other.  Trying to make sure people always see us accurately is impossible.  The more we try to do it, the more miserable it is.  Deciding that it’s okay for others to be wrong about you is so liberating.  Read an article I wrote about an experience with deciding it was okay for people to be wrong about me.  

Conflict (handled right) Can Build Connection

Most of us who have the “niceness disease,” mistakenly believe that conflict erodes relationships.  This is false.  Conflict that is handled in a loving way can actually build intimacy and closeness.  Ironically, it is insincerity, driven by niceness, that separate us from those we love by placing wedges of resentment, discouragement, and anxiety between us.  Read an article I wrote about confronting some people I love about a difficult issue and how it brought us closer.  

Practice Voicing Your Feelings

It’s possible to share how you feel and still be kind.  In fact, when you don’t, the person you are being the most unkind to is yourself.  The more unkind you are to yourself, the more eroded your confidence becomes and the less you are able to give others.  Stating how you feel can be as simple as “I can understand how you’d see it that way.  I see it differently.”  Or, “I feel differently about it, let’s discuss.”  For extremely nice people, sharing preferences can be a great place to start.  

Be Kind, But Not Nice

What are situations or people that cause you to feel resentful or exhausted?  These are often quick indicators of “niceness.”  Look beneath the surface to find out what the hidden emotion is that may be causing your symptoms.  Find a way to lovingly express your feelings.  It doesn’t always mean you even need to act on your feelings—just expressing them often helps resolve the symptoms.  This will allow you to be kind to yourself and to others.