My little girls love fake jewels. You know the kind that come in the pirate booty bags and look like they are bigger than the Hope Diamond. They carry them around in little purses and treasure boxes and admire them.
We Come Knowing Our Innate Worth
Our self-worth can be described as a diamond too. We are innately valuable, unique and we are the raw material of greatness. Just as children love all jewels—even fake ones easily, they also love themselves easily. They plan to fail and when they do, they just get up and keep going. A baby learning to walk just assumes the falling is part of the process of learning. They don’t care what others think—they are just naturally delighted and want to share. The other day my girls were making smoothie mustaches and wanted me to see each one. The fact that they don’t have a perfect home, the perfect job, the cutest clothes doesn’t impact how they feel about themselves. So, what changes as an adult that causes us to forget our innate value, and unique greatness? Our diamond becomes obscured.
How Our Self-Concept Changes
I love the metaphor Michael Neil uses in his book, Effortless Success, to describe what happens to our self-concept over time. He describes it like a diamond that becomes covered over in horse manure and is then painted over with nail polish. Neil explains that the diamond represents our innate value–who we really are. The horse manure represents our insecurities and self-doubt —who we fear we are, and the nail polish represents the self that we project to others —who we pretend to be.
Who Are You Really?
Who are you? How much does who you fear you are, or who you fear others will think you are, change how you feel about yourself?
Are You Covered in Manure?
The diamond layer can easily become buried under insecurity and self-consciousness as we get older. It only takes a few times of being embarrassed or failing to begin heaping manure on our diamond. Our brain tells us the reason we failed is that we’re not good enough or there is something wrong with us. The brain is programmed to notice the negative. It’s constantly finding evidence of our inadequacies. More manure. My older girls are already starting to develop this human tendency. The other day when my daughter did poorly on a test, she used it as evidence that she wasn’t good at math. (Which by the way is completely untrue!)
Our fear about who we might me creates a derisive running internal dialogue. We say things to ourselves like, “What’s wrong with me.” “I’m such an idiot.” “Why would anyone like me?” “I’m just not good enough.” We say terrible things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else. Years of verbal self-abuse confuses us and creates a familiar script that writes our negative self-concept. After a while who we really are becomes completely obscured by manure.
Are You Drowning in Nail Polish?
Most people are so embarrassed about their inadequacies because they think it means there is something wrong with them, that they try to pretend they don’t have them. They believe if others really knew—then it would be difficult for others to love them. This is because they don’t love themselves because of their inadequacies.
In order to be accepted, they spend time trying to project who they want others to think they are. Keeping up appearances is exhausting! There is no time to develop their authentic self. And, they often undermine it by doing things that aren’t consistent with who they want to be. The more we pretend to be someone else, the less we can see who we really are. One of my daughters loves to be part of the group—and tries to act like she’s interested in the same thing and act like she’s good at things but frankly she isn’t. She’s strong in other areas. As a result, she’s often left behind and discouraged. She’s like a little hamster running on a wheel to keep up.
How to Improve Self-Concept
Most of us try to improve our self-esteem from the outside in. It’s ironic because often the things we do to improve our self-esteem are the very things that are obscuring it. We try to beat ourselves up into being better or we try to fake being who we wish we were. This just adds more manure and nail polish to the mound.
Nail Polish Remover Stinks
Trying to change what others think of us is a losing battle. People judge. We might think if we change what we do or say or have that people will like us better. This could look like going into debt for something superfluous, agreeing to do something you don’t want to just to look like a “good person,” or going along with a group even if it’s something you don’t agree with. But these types of changes just add more layers of nail polish. It puts more space between us and our best version of ourselves!
Shoveling Could Go on Forever
A few, dig deeper and try to root out some of their insecurities and weaknesses by trying to improve their weaknesses. While this sounds noble at first, they try to perfectionize their way to a better self-concept. They believe if they can just do everything perfectly, (complete everything on-time, never yell at their kids, work out every morning, pass up on the chocolate cake, always be kind and unselfish and fit in a pair of pants two sizes smaller) then they would feel at peace with themselves.
While self-improvement is certainly an important component of self-concept, when it’s motive comes from believing we are not enough, we always end up feeling inadequate. It’s like trying to shovel in a sand pile and the minute you shovel out something a whole new pile falls in. Trying to change from a place of inadequacy guarantees that you will never feel you are enough.
Diamond Mining
Our diamond layer will never be fully in view if it’s obstructed by our own poor opinion of ourselves and dependent on other’s opinions.
Diamond mining is a complicated process. When Diamonds are mined, huge machines crack the rock around an area. Large scoops of hard rock are collected and taken back to be further refined. The diamond is then extracted from the rock and cut and polished. Can you imagine if someone tried to mine for diamonds with a cotton ball or a shovel? Yet, that is exactly how we often approach our own self-concept. We think we can somehow keep adding things on top of our diamond to make it more beautiful.
Mine Down to Who You Really Are
There is an even more powerful, faster and much more enjoyable journey to better self-esteem. It comes by starting at the diamond level. We start by recognizing who we reallyare—understanding our innate value allows us to naturally shed the other layers. Working from the inside out is essential for real self-esteem to grow.
Once we know who we are, we can see our weaknesses and problems in a healthier way. We can project who we really are rather than cover up our inadequacies because we realize that our worth is not what we do. Our worth already exists and there is nothing we can do to change it. Working from our diamond layer outward is powerful work. It helps us see our own value and it helps others see it too.
As you choose to start from the inside out—you begin to fall in love with yourself. You notice what’s amazing about yourself, others do two. The manure and the nail polish diminish. Just like my little girls treasure their fake jewels, we learn to treasure who we really are more than who we fear we are or how others think of us. This is self-esteem.
How to Uncover Your Self-Esteem
Reveal Your Diamond
Is your self-esteem covered? Who are you really at your core? Make a list of 10 things you like about yourself. Make a list of 10 things you’re proud you have accomplished.
Wash Off The Manure
What are the negative things you fear are who you are? What do these fears cause you to feel and do? How could you face some of your fears? Is there anything you want to do to improve the things you don’t like? Is it possible they aren’t as awful as you think?
Remove the Nail Polish
Who do you wish others would think you are? What do you do to promote this image? How could stop trying to pretend? What’s the worst thing that could happen if people saw you at your worst?
