How to Stop Worrying About Missing Out

Choices can be agonizing–mainly because we worry about missing out on something. This fear plagues us in many decisions we make, from the most mundane decisions to significant life choices. When we have this fear we limit our joy, no matter what choice we end up making.  There’s a simple way to stop worrying about missing out and find more joy in whatever we choose: remember that “life is long.”

The Agony of Choices

This summer my girls saved up their allowance to do a little shopping.  Because we live abroad, it is a particularly exciting prospect to go to the toy section of Target when we visit home.  The girls had wide eyes as they wandered through the aisles of bright colors and possibilities. My older girls made their selections quickly and were ready to go.

My 6-year-old, however, agonized over what to buy.  She picked up several toys, games, and dolls, and carefully studied each box.  She came to me almost in tears, unable to decide which one to buy.  She wanted all of them, but she didn’t have enough money, and she worried she might never be able to come back. Considering we don’t come to Target often, there was some legitimacy in her concern.  However, her fear of missing out on something paralyzed her and she couldn’t make a decision.

There was a part of my “mother-heart” that wanted to loan her a little money so she could get them all, but I stopped myself.  I knew this was an opportunity to learn an essential life lesson.

As human beings we constantly worry about missing out; we want to have everything, be everything, and do everything now.  Our brains tell us that if we don’t do, or have, or be everything now—we won’t be able to do, have, or be it later.  We paralyze ourselves by the fear of missing out on something.

I gave my daughter a hug and admired her selections but I did not offer her a loan.  What I did offer her was a thought that my friend Laurel Ulrich, taught me many years ago.

Life is Long

I became friends with Laurel while I lived in Boston.  Laurel is a Pulitzer Prize-winning author who wrote the book, “A Midwives Tale.”  She is a renowned professor at Harvard.  She had also raised 5 children and stayed at home with them for much of their lives.  At the time, I felt a lot of angst about trying to balance my role as a mother and professional pursuits. One day, I asked Laurel how she balanced her professional contributions, motherhood, and selfhood.  Her answer was…

“Life is long.”

I admit, at first I was a little disappointed.  I had hoped she would have some magic formula that would help me balance everything I wanted to do at the same time. Instead, this seemed like sort of a trite answer you would find on a meme.  But Laurel explained that we often think we have to do everything at once.  Life has seasons, she said, and what we focus on can change as we move through these seasons.  She emphasized that she didn’t accomplished everything all at once.  She loved being home with her children for a season, and as they got older she studied for her Ph.D., which she didn’t get until she was 42.  She won the Pulitzer Prize at 53 and became a professor at Harvard at 57.  She still teaches at 80, and she continues to enjoy mothering her adult children.

Don’t Handicap Your Joy Now

The more I thought about her advice, “life is long,” the more I liked it.  My fear that I was missing out if I didn’t do everything NOW, was preventing me from feeling joy in either mothering or my professional life.  Previously, when I was home with my kids, I would wonder what I could be doing as I compared myself to colleagues and all the amazing things they were accomplishing.  As I reminded myself that there would be enough time and opportunity to pursue both of my deep desires—to be a fully present mother and to contribute professionally—I began to relax and enjoy the time with my children more.

Likewise when I did do nutrition presentations or consultations I felt less guilty as I remembered I would get to mother my children throughout their life, not just until they left the house.  I also reminded myself that my professional pursuits would help me be a better mother to them by helping me be more balanced.  That allowed me to enjoy my work and be more effective since I spent less brain space worrying.

Attitude Matters More Than the % of Time Spent

Over the years I’ve done a variety of combinations of full-time mothering and other pursuits.  Sometimes my fear of missing out creeps up on me. But I continue to remind myself that “life Is long.”

There isn’t any one “right” way to balance all the desires and demands on us.  Women find a myriad of ways to navigate them with beautiful results—as well as messy ones!  Different women, different situations, different stages of family and motherhood may shift the balance we choose.  However feeling it all needs to happen now can create angst and rob us of the joy we are seeking in either pursuit.

Ultimately, our attitude is more important than the percentage of time we spend in any particular pursuit.  Knowing life is long can help us be satisfied now.  Joy in the now means exponentially more fulfillment in anything we do.

The Word “Eventually” Can Be Powerful

I didn’t bore my daughter with all this in the Target aisle, but I did share the essence of the wisdom Laurel Ulrich shared with me many years ago. “You don’t have enough money to get them all now,” I said, “but you’ll have other chances to come back.  As you earn more money, we can come again to the store, or even look online.  If you really want all of these toys, you can earn them eventually.  Just choose the one you would like to get most now.”

This seemed to be a relief to her.  It allowed her to make a selection without so much angst of feeling like she was missing out.

When you start to feel like you are missing out and you notice it is diminishing your joy, remember…life is long.

Be Confident You Can Do It All…Eventually

What do you worry you are missing out on? Do you struggle to find the balance between personal or professional development and mothering?

Write a list of all the things you desire to be and do.  It is possible to do many of the things you’d love to do, but maybe not all at once.  Not doing it now, doesn’t mean you are missing out.  What would be most worthwhile to pursue NOW, and what could be some things to pursue eventually?

Make Friends With Stress: How Our Beliefs About Stress Affect Us

Most people belief stress is a villain.  After all, it can increase your risk of a heart attack, it can decrease your effectiveness in a meeting or difficult conversation, and it can reduce our enjoyment of things.  However, new research suggests that it is not stress it’s self that is the villain, but how we think about stress that causes the problem.  In fact, in many cases stress could actually be beneficial.

Our Biological Stress Response

A few weeks ago, I had to teach a group of about 50 women.  Normally I really enjoy teaching, but it had been a busy week, and I had struggled with how to present the material.   As the time got closer, my heart began to pound, sweat collected on my palms and forehead, and my mind started racing. If felt stressed!

Biologically a lot happens to the body when we feel stress.  The brain (the hypothalamus) sounds the alarm system! It says, “Help, there’s emotional danger—gather the troops!” The body releases the hormones of cortisol, adrenaline and oxytocin.  When cortisol increases the blood glucose levels it stops non-essential emergency processes like digestion, growth, and the immune response. Adrenaline is also released; it increases the heart rate, blood pressure and energy.  Our bodies are incredible the way they are able to instantly gear up to meet a threat.

These responses won’t hurt us if they only occur occasionally, but if they are felt ongoing they create a host of problems.  This is why for years health professionals have told us that stress is bad for us. However, recent research has put that theory into question.

Is Stress Really Bad For Us?

Kelly McGonigal, a Stanford Professor and Health Psychologist, reveals some fascinating new research about stress in recent study that tracked over 30,000 Americans for 8 years.  The study tracked the amount of stress they had, their belief about stress and how many of them died. For people who had a lot of stress, the study showed that there was a 43% increased risk of dying. Think about it…if you’re stressed, your risk goes up by almost half!  BUT that was only true for people who believed that stress was bad for their health. Those who didn’t believe stress was harmful for their health had no higher risk of dying!

What You Believe About Stress Matters

So, put simply you decrease your risk of death from stress by 43% just by changing your thought about stress.  Did you catch that? That is powerful. You can reduce your body’s risk of dying from stress by changing a sentence in your brain! Wow.

In her book “The Upside of Stress,” Kelly McGonigal explains why this change in our perception about stress can be so powerful.  One of the hormones released during stress is called Oxytocin. This hormone has several stress reducing properties. First it reduces cortisol–which we mentioned earlier stops digestion, immune response and growth.  Oxytocin also relaxes your blood vessels which lowers your blood pressure and it can decrease physical pain due to it’s anti-inflammatory properties.

Isn’t it incredible how the body compensates for its own self-causing damage?  When people believe that stress is NOT harmful, more oxytocin is released. 

Benefits of Stress

In a study done at Harvard, study participants were taught several benefits of stress.  Then, the patients were purposely stressed while under observation. When patients thought about their stress positively, their heart still beat fast, but their blood vessels stayed open.   Kelly McGonigal explains that this biological profile looks like what our bodies do when they feel joy or courage. She says, “When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage.”

When we stress out about stress, it IS bad for our health.  However, when we choose to make friends with stress, it actually doesn’t harm us.  The best way to make friends with stress, is just by changing our thoughts about it.   

Stress Hard Wires Us For Connection

If you need more convincing, here’s one way McGonigal says stress can actually HELP us.   Again we can thank the hormone oxytocin. In addition to the other physical responses it creates, it also has emotional benefits.  Oxytocin increases your trust, empathy and your desire to connect with others. McGonigal states, “When you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience.”   Connection is one of the most significant determinants of happiness. Stress actually gives us a biological nudge to connect.

Another study that tracked 1000 adults in the US, showed an increased 30% risk of death for each stressful event that occurred.  BUT it also showed that those who spent time serving friends, neighbors and people in their community had 0% increased chance of death from their stressful events.   Our biology is literally changed when we reach out under pressure.

Connecting During Stress

This week as I stood in front the group of women, I confessed that I was feeling really nervous.  Immediately I received kind looks of affirmation and smiles. Their smiles gave me the courage to calm my nerves enough to present the way I had hoped.

Stress is only harmful if we believe it is.  I love Kelly Gonigal’s summation of stress, “Stress gives us access to our hearts.  The compassionate heart finds joy and meaning in connecting with others.”

Make Friends With Stress

What are you stressed about right now?

  1. Remind yourself that stress is good.  It is your body’s way of gearing up to deal with something challenging.  Just by believing this, you will create biological courage to handle the situation with more grace and wisdom.  
  2. Use that courage to reach out and make a connection. Ask your neighbor how they’re doing. Give your husband a hug.  Smile at someone. You’ll do yourself and them a favor by creating more oxytocin.

Here’s a TED talk by Kelly McGonigal discussing this idea more in depth.  How to Make Stress Your Friend.

 

Hiding or Surfing: Changing Our Response to Stress

In stressful situations, our brains often go into survival mode.  We try to get through the situation with the least amount of damage possible.  Unfortunately this isn’t always the best way to approach a stressful situation. Programming how we want to handle stress ahead of time can make it much more enjoyable and much less taxing.

Nuclear Bomb Threat

Widespread panic overwhelmed the island of Oahu, HI early on a Saturday morning when this text message appeared on cell phones.  “Ballistic missle threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter.  This is not a drill.”

Immediately people made desperate attempts to find their loved ones and to seek shelter.   One woman hid in a bathroom with her children and prayed.  Some tourists were taken to concrete bunkers.  Parents stuck on the freeway worried they might never see their children again.  Given the high tensions with North Korea, and the closer proximity of Hawaii compared to the mainland US, Hawaiian residents were already on edge.  People had been told they would have about 12 minutes after a text alert before a bomb would hit.

I was particularly interested in the opposite responses of two of our friends.  One friend called her loved ones to say good-bye, and then hid under a table.  Another friend called her loved ones to say good-bye, and then went surfing.  At first it seemed a bit cavalier to head out surfing in the face of a bomb threat.  However, as I thought more about it, the idea intrigued me.  I love the image of her riding the waves instead of running around in panic.

Thankfully the text was a mistake.  There was no bomb and no obliteration, just 38 minutes of terror.  We had just moved off the island when this incident occurred, but having lived there for the last 3 years the threat felt very real to us.   If I knew I might be obliterated, what would I do with my last minutes?  I’m not suggesting anyone should actually go surfing during a bomb threat–especially if there were children to protect or concern over the nuclear blast affecting surrounding areas but I think the idea of thinking beyond the instinctual defense is an interesting one.

Choosing How to Respond

This is an intriguing metaphor for how we respond to events that happen around us.  While I have never experienced a nuclear bomb threat, I have plenty moments in which I have to make the same kind of choice about how to respond to an overwhelming circumstance.  Sometimes my reaction feels so instinctual I have to remind myself that I do have a choice about how to think and how to respond in a given situation.

Choosing to Hide

One of these moments happened the other day when my two-year-old melted down in shrieks and tears when she saw that we were having salmon for dinner instead of pizza.  By the time she was on the floor wailing and flailing, my brain was wailing and flailing too.  It was almost like a bomb of emotions went off in my brain and it was hard to think clearly.  My immediate thought was, “This is ridiculous.”  I sighed, rolled my eyes and felt irritated. When I’m irritated I rarely show up my best.  I’m more likely to yell or respond impatiently, or try to escape the drama by eating or checking my phone.  When I yell, my child feels guilt in addition to her initial emotion of disappointment. At the end of the night I feel discouraged about my mothering.  I feel stuck– essentially trapped under a theoretical table.

Choosing to Surf

Using our metaphor of surfing instead of hiding under a table—I tried to think about what type of response would help me go “surfing” instead.  I knew that my response started with the thought I chose.  I decided to flip my thought on my head.  Instead of thinking, “This is ridiculous,” I decided to think, “This is normal.  I’m so glad she’s developing as a healthy two-year-old.  If she never had opinions or expressed them, I’d be concerned!” This thought helped me feel thankful instead of irritated.  Gratitude is an open emotion that allowed me to respond with love and kindness.  I let the tantrum run it’s course, and when it was over I was able to scoop up my girl, hug her and carry on with dinner.  No drama.  No emotional “bomb shells” all over.  I was able to “surf” even amid the threat.

Go Surfing

The next time a “bomb” of emotion goes off in your head, notice what your default thought is.  If it’s one that might trap you in more negative emotions—try thinking the opposite thought.  Notice if it helps change your feeling and your result.  Surfing is a lot more fun!