The word “should” seems innocent–even motivating but a closer look reveals that it leaves a trail of damage. It highlights inadequacies, robs us of motivation, and leaves us stuck in anxiety, disappointment and frustration. Removing the word “should” from your lexicon can make a big impact in how you feel about yourself and others.
“Should” is Everywhere
I used to say the word “should” all the time. “I should have gotten up earlier this morning.” “I should have been more patient with my kids.” “I should have started dinner earlier.”
I even used “should” when I thought about others. “My kids should listen the first time!” “People shouldn’t cut me off in traffic.” “They should make this website easier to navigate.”
Sometimes I used it to describe situation around me. “This shouldn’t be so hard.” “This meeting should be shorter.”
I also used to feel discouraged, overwhelmed and anxious a lot of the day.
“Should” Seems Responsible
At first glance, the word “should” seems like a benign or even a helpful word. It seems like it’s helping us notice how things need to be different. By recognizing how things should be, it’s almost as if we feel we’ve compensated for the fact that they aren’t that way. It makes us feel more decent and more responsible.
However, as I’ve become more aware of my internal dialogue. I’ve realized that the word “should” is quite insidious. It leaves a trail of devastating damage behind. Should doesn’t help me do or become more. It has the opposite effect.
The Problem with “Should”
The word “should” causes me to notice all that I am NOT doing and all that I have NOT become. It accentuates others’ faults and weaknesses, and highlights the less than ideal in circumstances around me. Because we feel that we and things around us are inadequate, it can decrease our motivation and leave us feeling anxious and frustrated. You can’t beat yourself up into being better. You can’t beat others into being better either–“shoulding” others strains relationships because it feels like criticism. It doesn’t mean we stop making requests of others or ourselves, it just means we don’t keep flogging ourselves with the expectation that it “should” be different.
What to Say Instead of “Should”
Here are some alternatives to the word “should” when you notice it creeping into your own internal dialogue.
Focus on the Benefit
I feel _____________ when I ___________.
Instead of saying “I should have changed out of my yoga pants before I picked my kids up at the bus stop.” Say, “I feel so much more confident when I take the time to get ready before my kids get home from school.” This helps you focus on the end result which motivating instead of on the action you didn’t do, which is discouraging.
State What You Value
It’s important to me to ________________.
It’s easy to say “I should be on time to church.” Instead say, “It’s important to me to be on time for church.” It’s much more motivating to be on time when it’s couched in terms of what you value instead of what you “should” do.
Change the “sh” to “w” or “c”
I could _______________.
Just substituting “would” or “could” instead of “should” can make a big difference. It makes our requests much more pleasant and loving.
“It would make our home so much more pleasant if you could hang your backpack up when you get home.” Consider the difference between that and this. “You should hang your backpack up when you get home so our house doesn’t look trashed.”
Get Curious
I wonder why I am/they are ________________.
Using should takes us out of the present—it makes us think of something that didn’t happen in the past, or something that needs to happen in the future. Most of these thoughts come with stress and other negative emotions. Bringing our attention back to the present can help us abate some of this negativity.
Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t have yelled at my kids.” Think, “I’m feeling really irritated right now. I wonder why I’m feeling irritated?”
Getting curious about what you’re thinking and feeling has a powerful impact on helping us become more of who we want to be instead of just reacting to things around us.
Stop saying “should”
Getting rid of “should” can be so freeing. I’ve been working on this for a long time and I’m still working on it. My shoulds everyday are a lot fewer than they used to be. As a result I feel a lot more confidence, and I feel a lot less frustration with others.
Shoulds are a fixture in our lexicon. It takes some practice, and some patience but the payout in personal peace and motivation is big. Saying less shoulds to ourselves allows us to focus on what we ARE doing, and what we WANT to be doing instead of what we’re not doing. Removing “should” for others can give space in relationships allows people to feel loved as they are; this enables deeper connections. Eliminating “should” thoughts about circumstances lets us accept the things we cannot change and move forward instead of staying stuck in wishing things were different.
How many times a day do you say “should?”
Try observing when you use “should” and how it affects you.
Try substituting a different thought when you notice yourself saying “should.”