It’s Okay For People To Be Wrong About You

I like it when people respect me and admire me.  Most of us do. We spend a lot of our time in social situations managing the way others feel and think about us. If you really believed that it was okay for people to be wrong about you,  how would that change your behavior?  This idea has radically changed my life, improving my relationships and allowing me to focus on what really matters.

People Pleasing is Exhausting

When one of my daughters was a toddler she had some health issues and cried almost constantly.  A lot of the day was spent in tantrums and tears.  We felt so badly for her.  We read lots of parenting books, tried lots of things and worked hard to find her the medical care she needed.

However, caring for a child who was so emotionally volatile was exhausting.  It was also humiliating to bring her out in public because I felt so judged.

People Will Judge

I remember the looks on people’s faces as they watched me with her in a store or when we were at church.  They stared.  They lifted their eyebrows.  They rolled their eyes.  They walked away.  They pretended to ignore me, but their faces told a different story.

Sometimes people made comments like, “Wow, she’s loud,” or “She’s a handful.”  It wasn’t uncommon to receive unsolicited parenting advice, “Have you tried just ignoring it?” or “She really needs some consequences and boundaries.”  Sometimes people we knew a bit better would say things like, “I used to think you just couldn’t handle your daughter, but now that we have a tough one I feel bad for judging you.”

We aren’t perfect parents, but we were trying earnestly and had tried A LOT of things.  I believe most people were just observing what they saw.  Because I felt awkward about the way my daughter was acting and I worried people would judge me, their comments felt a lot like judgement.

Occasionally some good soul would say something like, “I’ve totally been there.”  One time my daughter had a tantrum in the entry way of a large building.  She was large enough that it was difficult to lift her up and take her out.  I remember a woman who stopped and said, “You’re doing great.”  I loved that human being!  I had some wonderful friends and family who were supportive and loving during this difficult period.  I am still so grateful for this.

Feeling Misunderstood

One day though, I confided in a friend how discouraged I was feeling about how my daughter acted in public.  She said, “There is nothing wrong with your daughter—there is only something wrong with you!” I don’t think she meant to hurt my feelings, but it hit at the core of what I worried people were thinking.  “Because your child is acting so difficult, there is something wrong with you!”   I found myself not wanting to go out with my daughter in public.

Every time my daughter had a meltdown, I not only had the very real emotional, mental, and physical work of helping her, I also felt like I had to defend myself, my daughter’s situation, my actions and my parenting.  I didn’t want to be judged. Though MANY people were loving and compassionate, it was hard for most people to understand. I felt a lot of resentment that I was misunderstood.

Ditching Resentment for Confidence

I could see resentment was eating me away. It was eroding my relationships, my happiness and enjoyment socially. So I made a decision: it was okay if people judged me. Of course people didn’t understand!  How could they unless they had been through something similar?  People judge. There isn’t much we can do about it. It’s part of being human.

I decided to believe in myself. I knew I was doing my best, and it was okay if people thought I was a “bad mom.” It was so freeing!  

Once I let go of trying to prevent other people’s judgement, my life changed. I remember going to Michael’s with my daughter screaming the whole time and being able to genuinely return smiles for the rude looks I got. I remember just being able to listen to people’s comments of sympathy or concern and keep an open mind without feeling defensive when friends shared ideas about how to help her.  

With so much mental and emotional space cleared up from worrying about being judged and trying to defend myself, I was able to use the space to be more creative and have more energy to help my daughter and get in a healthier place myself.  Also, because I was less defensive I was able to actually accept some of the good ideas people offered. Some were helpful, others weren’t. But I was able to think of them as offerings of love instead of darts of judgment.

It’s Okay For People to Be Wrong About Me


I learned a powerful lesson through this experience.  The things that I notice in others are often reflections of how I feel about myself.  When I feel confident that I’m doing my best, I was able to be okay with other’s judgement of me because I didn’t believe it.  I realized they could think whatever they wanted and I could still sincerely know I was doing my best.  This was a tremendous relief.

Believe in Yourself

Who do you try to please?

Stop trying to convince them you are right or good, and start believing in yourself enough to let them be wrong about you.

Stop Saying “Should”

The word “should” seems innocent–even motivating but a closer look reveals that it leaves a trail of damage.  It highlights inadequacies, robs us of motivation, and leaves us stuck in anxiety, disappointment and frustration.  Removing the word “should” from your lexicon can make a big impact in how you feel about yourself and others.

“Should” is Everywhere

I used to say the word “should” all the time.  “I should have gotten up earlier this morning.”  “I should have been more patient with my kids.”  “I should have started dinner earlier.”

I even used “should” when I thought about others.  “My kids should listen the first time!”  “People shouldn’t cut me off in traffic.”  “They should make this website easier to navigate.”

Sometimes I used it to describe situation around me.  “This shouldn’t be so hard.”  “This meeting should be shorter.”

I also used to feel discouraged, overwhelmed and anxious a lot of the day.

“Should” Seems Responsible

At first glance, the word “should” seems like a benign or even a helpful word.  It seems like it’s helping us notice how things need to be different.  By recognizing how things should be, it’s almost as if we feel we’ve compensated for the fact that they aren’t that way.  It makes us feel more decent and more responsible.

However, as I’ve become more aware of my internal dialogue.  I’ve realized that the word “should” is quite insidious.  It leaves a trail of devastating damage behind.   Should doesn’t help me do or become more.  It has the opposite effect.

The Problem with “Should”

The word “should” causes me to notice all that I am NOT doing and all that I have NOT become.  It accentuates others’ faults and weaknesses, and highlights the less than ideal in circumstances around me.   Because we feel that we and things around us are inadequate, it can decrease our motivation and leave us feeling anxious and frustrated.  You can’t beat yourself up into being better.  You can’t beat others into being better either–“shoulding” others strains relationships because it feels like criticism.  It doesn’t mean we stop making requests of others or ourselves, it just means we don’t keep flogging ourselves with the expectation that it “should” be different.

What to Say Instead of “Should”

Here are some alternatives to the word “should” when you notice it creeping into your own internal dialogue.

Focus on the Benefit

I feel _____________ when I ___________.

Instead of saying “I should have changed out of my yoga pants before I picked my kids up at the bus stop.”  Say, “I feel so much more confident when I take the time to get ready before my kids get home from school.”   This helps you focus on the end result which motivating instead of on the action you didn’t do, which is discouraging.

State What You Value

It’s important to me to ________________.

It’s easy to say “I should be on time to church.”  Instead say, “It’s important to me to be on time for church.”  It’s much more motivating to be on time when it’s couched in terms of what you value instead of what you “should” do.

Change the “sh” to “w” or “c”

I could _______________.
Just substituting “would” or “could” instead of “should” can make a big difference.  It makes our requests much more pleasant and loving.

“It would make our home so much more pleasant if you could hang your backpack up when you get home.”  Consider the difference between that and this.  “You should hang your backpack up when you get home so our house doesn’t look trashed.”

Get Curious

I wonder why I am/they are  ________________.

Using should takes us out of the present—it makes us think of something that didn’t happen in the past, or something that needs to happen in the future.  Most of these thoughts come with stress and other negative emotions. Bringing our attention back to the present can help us abate some of this negativity.

Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t have yelled at my kids.”  Think, “I’m feeling really irritated right now.  I wonder why I’m feeling irritated?”

Getting curious about what you’re thinking and feeling has a powerful impact on helping us become more of who we want to be instead of just reacting to things around us.

Stop saying “should”

Getting rid of “should” can be so freeing.  I’ve been working on this for a long time and I’m still working on it.  My shoulds everyday are a lot fewer than they used to be.  As a result I feel a lot more confidence, and I feel a lot less frustration with others.

Shoulds are a fixture in our lexicon.  It takes some practice, and some patience but the payout in personal peace and motivation is big.  Saying less shoulds to ourselves allows us to focus on what we ARE doing, and what we WANT to be doing instead of what we’re not doing.  Removing “should” for others can give space in relationships allows people to feel loved as they are; this enables deeper connections.  Eliminating “should” thoughts about circumstances lets us accept the things we cannot change and move forward instead of staying stuck in wishing things were different.

How many times a day do you say “should?”

Try observing when you use “should” and how it affects you.
Try substituting a different thought when you notice yourself saying “should.”