The brain loves to categorize others and ourselves as “good” or “bad.” But there are many drawbacks to this. Learning to honestly acknowledge the good AND bad in ourselves and others can allow us to be more honest, make changes, and love ourselves and others more deeply.
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Sometimes we think people-pleasing is kind or it will strengthen our relationship because it will avoid hurt feelings, but it never does. People pleasing is lying. Happiness and the truth always go together–even when it’s awkward.
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Uncertainty keeps us stuck replaying what ifs. One way to move through it is to decide the now is certain and decide who you want to be and what you want to do now.
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Several weeks ago our family was excited to take a trip to New York. We told the kids we could attend a Broadway show together. Not surprisingly, some of the girls disagreed about whether to go to Frozen or Lion King. In an effort to be a peacemaker, one of my daughters who wanted to go to Lion King said she was fine going to Frozen.
We had a wonderful time at Frozen, but afterwards that same daughter daughters was scowling. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was mad that we had gone to Lion King. Although she had good motives to try to be kind, she ALSO expected me to know that she didn’t want to and to act on that NOT instead of what she said.
Of course, she is just learning how to navigate the complicate world, but this incident reminded me about some excellent advice my parents gave my husband and I before we got married: “Own your words.” They explained that we often say something, but expect others to know we mean something different than what we said. My daughter said she was fine with going to Frozen, but she expected me to know that she wasn’t okay with it.
Here are just a few examples of common ways we might not own our words.
When we don’t own our words, we are essentially lying. We want to look like a nice person, but keep the indulgent emotions we feel.
This is often a recipe for resentment. Resentment can slowly destroy relationships. It’s often much more precarious than just expressing our true feelings in the moment. Not owning our words looks nice on the outside. We get “credit” for being kind, or thoughtful. But our motives and feelings don’t back up our words. This incongruity causes us to feel uncomfortable.
In order to rectify the situation, we often blame the other person for not knowing what we REALLY meant. We think they should have acted on what we meant not what we said.
There are two ways to rectify this situation.
Expressing how we really feel in the moment can feel a bit uncomfortable in the moment because the other person might not like what we say. However, when we don’t say how we feel, WE are the ones who feel uncomfortable. At first it can be easy to justify that we would rather be the ones to feel uncomfortable than making someone else feel uncomfortable and dealing with the conflict that can come from others’ disappointment or irritation.
However, we are not the only ones who are affected by our dishonesty. Over time, resentment eats away at our relationships with others. Other people are astute interpreters. They can feel our resentment even if we think we’re good at covering it up.
Honest IS always the best policy. This doesn’t mean we have to be rude, critical or insensitive…just honest.
When your spouse asks you how you are. Don’t expect them to translate your tone. Being honest could look like saying, “Thank you so much for asking. I had a difficult day. I could really use a hug and a listening ear.”
When someone asks for forgiveness we could say, “Thank you so much for your apology, it really means a lot to me. I need a little bit of time to think about this. Could we talk again in a few days?”
The second way to rectify the discrepancy between what we want to say and expect is to live into your words. If we say something, but mean something different and we find ourselves starting to blame others for not knowing what we meant, we can stop ourselves. Instead of blaming the other person, we can recognize that WE are responsible for the outcome.
When you tell your friend you’re fine going “wherever” for lunch and she suggests a place you don’t really like, you could own your words. Recognize that you weren’t honest. At that point you can correct what you meant—you can say, “I know I said I was fine with anywhere but actually I’m really feeling in the mood for Thai food.” Or, go to the restaurant the friend suggested and realize you signed up for it when you said, “I’m fine going anywhere.” We may feel disappointed, but we won’t feel resentful because we aren’t blaming the friend for not knowing what we meant but didn’t say.
When we own our words, we may feel disappointment but we don’t feel resentment towards the person because we accept responsibility for what we said.
When our spouse asks how our day was and we say fine, and later find ourselves hurt that they didn’t ask more questions and notice our discouragement, we could go back to them and say, “Thanks for asking me about my day earlier. Actually, it was a difficult day. I could really use a hug.” Or, we can accept responsibility for telling them we were “fine.” Again, we may feel disappointed they didn’t ask more, but own the fact that we didn’t tell them how we were really feeling and what we wanted.
The more we live into our words, the more likely we are to be honest the next time. When WE have to accept responsibility for our own words, we become much more likely to share how we really feel.
When we were deciding on a Broadway, my daughter felt conflicted. She wanted two things; to go to Lion King, and to be a peacemaker. Both were fair and good things. However when she said she was fine with going to Frozen, but didn’t really mean it she ended up feeling resentful at the family. In addition to disappointment, she eroded her relationship with herself a little and her relationship with the family a little. These kind of interactions repeated over and over have a big impact on your relationships.
Own your words. As you do you’ll find you have so much more mastery of yourself and you’ll build trust with others.
I like it when people respect me and admire me. Most of us do. We spend a lot of our time in social situations managing the way others feel and think about us. If you really believed that it was okay for people to be wrong about you, how would that change your behavior? This idea has radically changed my life, improving my relationships and allowing me to focus on what really matters.
When one of my daughters was a toddler she had some health issues and cried almost constantly. A lot of the day was spent in tantrums and tears. We felt so badly for her. We read lots of parenting books, tried lots of things and worked hard to find her the medical care she needed.
However, caring for a child who was so emotionally volatile was exhausting. It was also humiliating to bring her out in public because I felt so judged.
I remember the looks on people’s faces as they watched me with her in a store or when we were at church. They stared. They lifted their eyebrows. They rolled their eyes. They walked away. They pretended to ignore me, but their faces told a different story.
Sometimes people made comments like, “Wow, she’s loud,” or “She’s a handful.” It wasn’t uncommon to receive unsolicited parenting advice, “Have you tried just ignoring it?” or “She really needs some consequences and boundaries.” Sometimes people we knew a bit better would say things like, “I used to think you just couldn’t handle your daughter, but now that we have a tough one I feel bad for judging you.”
We aren’t perfect parents, but we were trying earnestly and had tried A LOT of things. I believe most people were just observing what they saw. Because I felt awkward about the way my daughter was acting and I worried people would judge me, their comments felt a lot like judgement.
Occasionally some good soul would say something like, “I’ve totally been there.” One time my daughter had a tantrum in the entry way of a large building. She was large enough that it was difficult to lift her up and take her out. I remember a woman who stopped and said, “You’re doing great.” I loved that human being! I had some wonderful friends and family who were supportive and loving during this difficult period. I am still so grateful for this.
One day though, I confided in a friend how discouraged I was feeling about how my daughter acted in public. She said, “There is nothing wrong with your daughter—there is only something wrong with you!” I don’t think she meant to hurt my feelings, but it hit at the core of what I worried people were thinking. “Because your child is acting so difficult, there is something wrong with you!” I found myself not wanting to go out with my daughter in public.
Every time my daughter had a meltdown, I not only had the very real emotional, mental, and physical work of helping her, I also felt like I had to defend myself, my daughter’s situation, my actions and my parenting. I didn’t want to be judged. Though MANY people were loving and compassionate, it was hard for most people to understand. I felt a lot of resentment that I was misunderstood.
I could see resentment was eating me away. It was eroding my relationships, my happiness and enjoyment socially. So I made a decision: it was okay if people judged me. Of course people didn’t understand! How could they unless they had been through something similar? People judge. There isn’t much we can do about it. It’s part of being human.
I decided to believe in myself. I knew I was doing my best, and it was okay if people thought I was a “bad mom.” It was so freeing!
Once I let go of trying to prevent other people’s judgement, my life changed. I remember going to Michael’s with my daughter screaming the whole time and being able to genuinely return smiles for the rude looks I got. I remember just being able to listen to people’s comments of sympathy or concern and keep an open mind without feeling defensive when friends shared ideas about how to help her.
With so much mental and emotional space cleared up from worrying about being judged and trying to defend myself, I was able to use the space to be more creative and have more energy to help my daughter and get in a healthier place myself. Also, because I was less defensive I was able to actually accept some of the good ideas people offered. Some were helpful, others weren’t. But I was able to think of them as offerings of love instead of darts of judgment.
I learned a powerful lesson through this experience. The things that I notice in others are often reflections of how I feel about myself. When I feel confident that I’m doing my best, I was able to be okay with other’s judgement of me because I didn’t believe it. I realized they could think whatever they wanted and I could still sincerely know I was doing my best. This was a tremendous relief.
Who do you try to please?
Stop trying to convince them you are right or good, and start believing in yourself enough to let them be wrong about you.
People are like artichokes: they are more than they seem on the outside. It often requires effort to peel away the layers and get to the tender heart of who someone really is.
I didn’t have my first freshly cooked artichoke until I was in my 20’s. Honestly, they always looked spiny and intimidating to me. I wasn’t sure how to approach them, so I never did. A friend of mine found out I’d never had one, and invited me over to learn the art of preparing and eating an artichoke.
I was amazed at the effort it took to prepare them! First we had to cut off each of the spines on the outside leaves and trim the top and spine. After boiling, we pulled off each leaf one by one. With our teeth we scraped tiny amounts of soft, pulpy meat on each of the petals. As we got closer to the heart, the amount of meat on each petal become more robust.
According to my friend, before we could get to the best part, which was the heart, we had to cut off the fibrous pillow sitting on top of the heart called the choke. It seemed well named—as I couldn’t imagine doing anything BUT choking on the wiry mess. The artichoke heart was a tender, juicy, almost nutty flavor. Bathed in lemon butter, it was pretty close to heaven. It was a lot of work to get to the center—but it was worth the effort.
Humans are a lot like artichokes—everyone has many “layers.” As people experience pain they learn how to protect themselves. Some do it through avoidance, others through sarcasm or pretending to be nonchalant, while some patronize or criticize others when they feel threatened. People think these thorns will protect themselves against being hurt by others. Like an artichoke, their rough outsides do provide protection—but they also keep others from seeing who they REALLY are, and being able to connect heart to heart.
People Can Be Prickly to Defend Their Vulnerabilities
People who are the roughest on the outside are sometimes the easiest to dismiss or avoid. However, like the big, thorny artichokes in the market that are frequently tossed aside, these people are often the most tender and rewarding on the inside.
During college, I taught life skills at the local prison for several months. I was idealistic and anxious to change the world. But, I confess I began to get a bit nervous as we went through one security door after another and we entered a room full of convicts. Most of them stared at us with rough expressions. Many were covered in tattoos, including on their face and hands. None of them looked like they wanted to be there. I took a deep breath.
As the prisoners introduced themselves, I became more and more grateful there were two security guards posted outside the door. I discovered that several of the men had committed serious crimes. To me they were a room full of big artichokes covered in spines and VERY intimidating.
As I introduced myself, I could see on their faces their disgust and disinterest in listening to some plucky, do-gooder college girl who did not understand anything about their lives or needs. The tension was thick and I felt a little nauseated.
I began going through the lesson material, which thankfully had lots of questions, discussion, and hands-on activities. Even in that first class, I began to glimpse contradictions. While at first many members of the class were sarcastic, uninterested, and even brash, I began to notice their thoughtfulness, engagement, and wisdom as the class went on.
It took some courage to go back again the next week. There were lots of spines and prickles again, but I found them slightly less intimidating. At the beginning of the class one man still refused to participate at all, but as we continued to talk even he softened and even smiled.
As the weeks went on I began to be sincerely curious about each of the people in my class. Who were they? Where did they come from? What was their family life like growing up? What did they think about, hope for, believe in? So I asked questions. I started peeling back their layers one by one. I began to see that their criminal behavior often stemmed from pain others had created for them. As I learned more, I began to sincerely care about them and my judgment began to evaporate.
The more the prisoners felt my genuine interest and concern, the more they felt safe to share. Each week we peeled away more layers and over time some of the obvious labels I had attached to these people began to peel off. Instead of thinking of one man as a criminal, I thought of him as simply the warm-hearted man who smiled often and cracked jokes when things got too tense. I thought of another as the one who offered soft, but thoughtful insights to the class.
One week before I started class, one of the inmates told me something I’ve never forgotten. Apparently some of the other inmates (not in the class) were ribbing the class members and telling them that they should take advantage of me and my co-teacher. My student quickly stood up for me and became angry. He told his fellow inmates he would never do that, and if that man tried anything he’d personally beat him to a pulp.
I was floored. How had they changed from being annoyed and disinterested to showing this fierce loyalty? By peeling away the layers little by little. I had glimpsed for just a minute this man’s soft, tender heart—the prize at the end of the layers.
Getting to the heart is never quick or easy. It requires courage, patience, curiosity, and genuine concern and love. It requires choosing to drop labels and seeing others differently. It requires surviving some thorny prickles. But it is worth it. Getting to the heart is pretty close to getting to heaven.
Who is a prickly person in you life that you’re tempted to avoid or even re-act to? A child, a spouse, an in-law, a check-out attendant, a colleague.
Try peeling back some of the layers this week by asking genuine questions. Try dropping labels you may have for them. Try assuming the best about them. Notice if you start to get closer to their heart.
Difficult conversations don’t have to be difficult. We all encounter situations that need to be addressed or talked through; these moments can either separate us more from others or draw us closer together. Knowing how to manage your brain as you approach a difficult conversation can turn the experience into a “connecting” conversation.
For most of my life I’ve tried to avoid difficult conversations unless they were ABSOLUTELY necessary. When an occasional issue arose, it often seemed easier to continue to endure the imperfect circumstances rather than deal with the conflict and drama of actually addressing my concerns with others. It’s true that by not addressing tough issues I had a lot less conflict with others—at least externally. However, the lingering resentment, frustration, and annoyance I felt still drove wedges into my relationships.
As I’ve become more emotionally healthy, I’ve had more courage and emotional capital to work on resolving challenges with others. As I have, I’ve learned something fascinating. Difficult conversations don’t have to push you farther away from others—they can actually draw you closer together.
Recently someone said something that really hurt me. I don’t get offended very easily, but this exchange really stabbed. I knew this person didn’t intend to hurt me, and I tried to brush it off. But it continued to bother me and I found myself carrying around resentment and frustration.
In the past, I often avoided confrontation over something like this—it felt way too hard and seemed unnecessary. I told myself “I just need to get over it.” However, the more I tried to ignore it, the more my resentment and irritation grew. I really cared about this person and I could see that this was driving a wedge between us. I felt defensive around this person and I wanted to feel close to them again. I knew it would require a difficult conversation.
According to Life Coach Jody Moore in her e-book “Difficult Conversations,” there are six steps to being successful at a difficult conversation. I will share the six steps she suggests below, and how I applied her wisdom in this challenging situation.
The best way to decide if you are ready to have a difficult conversation is to determine what your motive is. Your motive will make or break your success.
Ask yourself, “Why do you want to have this conversation?” If you are hoping the other person will apologize or change, they may not and you may be disappointed. We don’t have any control over others and hanging our happiness on others’ behavior often results in frustration. What’s worse is that others can sense our motives. If they feel they are trying to be manipulated or controlled, most people resist. Both parties often end up feeling worse.
If these aren’t motives that are likely to be successful in a difficult conversation, what motives are?
You know you’re ready to have the difficult conversation when your motive is love. You sincerely want to feel closer to the other person and withholding the truth is separating you by lack of understanding on either side, or by causing resentment. Growing up, my mom used this line before a difficult conversation, “I want to tell you something in a spirit of love.” It worked.
Thoughts that are motivated by love can include: I want to clarify something; I want to provide information; I want to increase connection; I want to make a request of someone or clarify a boundary.
In my difficult conversation I referred to above, I initially DID want an apology. I hoped they never said it again. I let myself feel hurt for a while. But I didn’t stay there very long because self-pity gets sticky very quickly. As the pain subsided, I really did want to feel love again toward this person. I wanted to feel close to them again. I wanted to be an emotional adult and provide them information about how this exchange impacted me.
Once you get your motive to some version of love, it’s time to define success. The result of your conversation should be about what the person YOU want to be in your relationship and how YOU want to feel.
Jody Moore writes, “Make sure that the result you choose is something 100% in your control. The way the other person reacts is not in your control. How they feel or what they say is not in your control. Whether or not they start acting differently in the future is not in your control. What IS in your control is how YOU feel, think and behave.”
In my experience, I knew that the other person might not apologize and might even be defensive. I knew they might not change or meet my request. I decided that for me, success was to own MY part of the issue. I would share the facts about the exchange and how it had impacted me. I would do it in a spirit of love. I would be curious about this person and what they were thinking and feeling. I would explain what would be helpful in the future. Regardless of their response or behavior, I would feel successful if I fulfilled my part of the conversation in love.
What you say or do won’t matter as much as how you feel. Your feelings will impact everything else.
Because the person will likely mirror YOUR emotions, it’s important to get your feelings about yourself and the thing you want to say to a place of confidence (not conceit, just confidence). Thoughts like these might help: “I really want to feel closer to this person.” “This is hard, but I can do it.” “I’m prepared, this will turn out well.” “I can do this well enough—it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be honest and loving.”
It’s important to be aware of how you are feeling about the other person as well. People are astute observers of others’ motives and feelings. It’s hard to communicate love when we are angry or irritated. A great substitute for feelings of irritation or anger is feelings of curiosity or compassion. Here are some examples: “They are doing their best, even if their best doesn’t seem very good.” “I wonder what it’s like to be them?” “Maybe they are feeling fear/discouragement etc.—I know what that’s like. It’s awful.”
As I thought about the difficult conversation I was preparing for, I admit that I was nervous. I knew this person didn’t have a particularly great track record for calm responses. I cared about this person and didn’t want to sabotage the relationship. But I told myself, “I can do this. This is the type of person I want to be.” These thoughts helped me feel more confident.
Then I decided to believe that the other person didn’t realize they were hurting me and certainly weren’t intending to. I decided they must have been feeling tired and irritable when they made the comments. It’s hard to do your best when you don’t feel good. I even thought, “I wonder what they meant by this comment?” These thoughts got me to a place of compassion and curiosity.
It’s good to know what you’ll say, particularly when you’re doing something uncomfortable. If you plan ahead before a stressful situation, when your brain tries to retreat to it’s “primitive place,” your plan can take over. Here’s the basic structure Jody suggests for a difficult conversations:
1. Cushion—Sets tone…may be challenging for them and also for me.
2. Stick to facts (Don’t add in opinions and assumptions). Be specific.
3. Be curious about the other person. (If you can’t get to curious, try confused. It’s better than offended.)
I decided I would say something like this:
“I wanted to share something with you because I really value our relationship. I’m feeling a little nervous to tell you, but it’s important to me that you know. When you said _________, it really hurt me. I can imagine you didn’t even realize it would be hurtful, but I wanted to let you know. Tell me your thoughts.”
After their response, I planned to say something like, “It would help if in the future you wouldn’t say ______________. I’d love to know your thoughts.”
My mother was a believer in practicing what you would say before you said it. She used to help me write out a script for calling people about Girl Scout cookie delivery or calling an adult back about a babysitting job. Before I gave a talk in church, she would get out the feather duster and use it as a mock microphone. My mom would stuff it between the cushions of the couch and have us practice what we would say. As much as we grumbled about it, it really worked. Practicing really gives you more confidence and it helps flush out rough areas.
Write out your difficult conversation or practice it with a friend—even the mirror is a great listener!
I practiced my difficult conversation a few times in my mind. Then my husband graciously listened to what I planned to say. I didn’t use the feather duster, but saying it to someone else helped me practice while still being a little nervous. He’s particularly astute at catching anything that might trigger offense and helped me tweak my plan a little.
Give the person a heads up that you’d like to talk. Sometimes taking someone off guard can really cause the conversation to go south quickly.
I asked the person if it would work to talk to them. They agreed. My heart was beating fast, but I felt confident because I was feeling love for the person and because I knew what I wanted to say. I shared my short, practiced script.
There was some awkwardness. At first the person was a bit defensive. I didn’t try to defend back. I actually agreed with their points, which were legitimate. This really softened them and they apologized right away. They confirmed that they had no idea they had hurt me and said they would be more careful next time. We chatted a bit more and I understood where they were coming from when they said the comment. We parted on a positive note.
I felt so relieved. I understood this person better and I felt no more resentment or irritation. I had worried that things would be awkward, but I was surprised. Not only was our interaction NOT awkward, I felt our relationship was much better after our interaction. I felt closer to this person and they felt closer to me.
Difficult conversations can connect us if we lead with love and with logic instead of leading with angry emotions and blame.
Consider following the 6 steps of a successful difficult conversation so that you can feel closer to the person you love!
The word “should” seems innocent–even motivating but a closer look reveals that it leaves a trail of damage. It highlights inadequacies, robs us of motivation, and leaves us stuck in anxiety, disappointment and frustration. Removing the word “should” from your lexicon can make a big impact in how you feel about yourself and others.
I used to say the word “should” all the time. “I should have gotten up earlier this morning.” “I should have been more patient with my kids.” “I should have started dinner earlier.”
I even used “should” when I thought about others. “My kids should listen the first time!” “People shouldn’t cut me off in traffic.” “They should make this website easier to navigate.”
Sometimes I used it to describe situation around me. “This shouldn’t be so hard.” “This meeting should be shorter.”
I also used to feel discouraged, overwhelmed and anxious a lot of the day.
At first glance, the word “should” seems like a benign or even a helpful word. It seems like it’s helping us notice how things need to be different. By recognizing how things should be, it’s almost as if we feel we’ve compensated for the fact that they aren’t that way. It makes us feel more decent and more responsible.
However, as I’ve become more aware of my internal dialogue. I’ve realized that the word “should” is quite insidious. It leaves a trail of devastating damage behind. Should doesn’t help me do or become more. It has the opposite effect.
The word “should” causes me to notice all that I am NOT doing and all that I have NOT become. It accentuates others’ faults and weaknesses, and highlights the less than ideal in circumstances around me. Because we feel that we and things around us are inadequate, it can decrease our motivation and leave us feeling anxious and frustrated. You can’t beat yourself up into being better. You can’t beat others into being better either–“shoulding” others strains relationships because it feels like criticism. It doesn’t mean we stop making requests of others or ourselves, it just means we don’t keep flogging ourselves with the expectation that it “should” be different.
Here are some alternatives to the word “should” when you notice it creeping into your own internal dialogue.
I feel _____________ when I ___________.
Instead of saying “I should have changed out of my yoga pants before I picked my kids up at the bus stop.” Say, “I feel so much more confident when I take the time to get ready before my kids get home from school.” This helps you focus on the end result which motivating instead of on the action you didn’t do, which is discouraging.
It’s important to me to ________________.
It’s easy to say “I should be on time to church.” Instead say, “It’s important to me to be on time for church.” It’s much more motivating to be on time when it’s couched in terms of what you value instead of what you “should” do.
I could _______________.
Just substituting “would” or “could” instead of “should” can make a big difference. It makes our requests much more pleasant and loving.
“It would make our home so much more pleasant if you could hang your backpack up when you get home.” Consider the difference between that and this. “You should hang your backpack up when you get home so our house doesn’t look trashed.”
I wonder why I am/they are ________________.
Using should takes us out of the present—it makes us think of something that didn’t happen in the past, or something that needs to happen in the future. Most of these thoughts come with stress and other negative emotions. Bringing our attention back to the present can help us abate some of this negativity.
Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t have yelled at my kids.” Think, “I’m feeling really irritated right now. I wonder why I’m feeling irritated?”
Getting curious about what you’re thinking and feeling has a powerful impact on helping us become more of who we want to be instead of just reacting to things around us.
Getting rid of “should” can be so freeing. I’ve been working on this for a long time and I’m still working on it. My shoulds everyday are a lot fewer than they used to be. As a result I feel a lot more confidence, and I feel a lot less frustration with others.
Shoulds are a fixture in our lexicon. It takes some practice, and some patience but the payout in personal peace and motivation is big. Saying less shoulds to ourselves allows us to focus on what we ARE doing, and what we WANT to be doing instead of what we’re not doing. Removing “should” for others can give space in relationships allows people to feel loved as they are; this enables deeper connections. Eliminating “should” thoughts about circumstances lets us accept the things we cannot change and move forward instead of staying stuck in wishing things were different.
Try observing when you use “should” and how it affects you.
Try substituting a different thought when you notice yourself saying “should.”
Most people belief stress is a villain. After all, it can increase your risk of a heart attack, it can decrease your effectiveness in a meeting or difficult conversation, and it can reduce our enjoyment of things. However, new research suggests that it is not stress it’s self that is the villain, but how we think about stress that causes the problem. In fact, in many cases stress could actually be beneficial.
A few weeks ago, I had to teach a group of about 50 women. Normally I really enjoy teaching, but it had been a busy week, and I had struggled with how to present the material. As the time got closer, my heart began to pound, sweat collected on my palms and forehead, and my mind started racing. If felt stressed!
Biologically a lot happens to the body when we feel stress. The brain (the hypothalamus) sounds the alarm system! It says, “Help, there’s emotional danger—gather the troops!” The body releases the hormones of cortisol, adrenaline and oxytocin. When cortisol increases the blood glucose levels it stops non-essential emergency processes like digestion, growth, and the immune response. Adrenaline is also released; it increases the heart rate, blood pressure and energy. Our bodies are incredible the way they are able to instantly gear up to meet a threat.
These responses won’t hurt us if they only occur occasionally, but if they are felt ongoing they create a host of problems. This is why for years health professionals have told us that stress is bad for us. However, recent research has put that theory into question.
Kelly McGonigal, a Stanford Professor and Health Psychologist, reveals some fascinating new research about stress in recent study that tracked over 30,000 Americans for 8 years. The study tracked the amount of stress they had, their belief about stress and how many of them died. For people who had a lot of stress, the study showed that there was a 43% increased risk of dying. Think about it…if you’re stressed, your risk goes up by almost half! BUT that was only true for people who believed that stress was bad for their health. Those who didn’t believe stress was harmful for their health had no higher risk of dying!
So, put simply you decrease your risk of death from stress by 43% just by changing your thought about stress. Did you catch that? That is powerful. You can reduce your body’s risk of dying from stress by changing a sentence in your brain! Wow.
In her book “The Upside of Stress,” Kelly McGonigal explains why this change in our perception about stress can be so powerful. One of the hormones released during stress is called Oxytocin. This hormone has several stress reducing properties. First it reduces cortisol–which we mentioned earlier stops digestion, immune response and growth. Oxytocin also relaxes your blood vessels which lowers your blood pressure and it can decrease physical pain due to it’s anti-inflammatory properties.
Isn’t it incredible how the body compensates for its own self-causing damage? When people believe that stress is NOT harmful, more oxytocin is released.
In a study done at Harvard, study participants were taught several benefits of stress. Then, the patients were purposely stressed while under observation. When patients thought about their stress positively, their heart still beat fast, but their blood vessels stayed open. Kelly McGonigal explains that this biological profile looks like what our bodies do when they feel joy or courage. She says, “When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage.”
When we stress out about stress, it IS bad for our health. However, when we choose to make friends with stress, it actually doesn’t harm us. The best way to make friends with stress, is just by changing our thoughts about it.
If you need more convincing, here’s one way McGonigal says stress can actually HELP us. Again we can thank the hormone oxytocin. In addition to the other physical responses it creates, it also has emotional benefits. Oxytocin increases your trust, empathy and your desire to connect with others. McGonigal states, “When you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience.” Connection is one of the most significant determinants of happiness. Stress actually gives us a biological nudge to connect.
Another study that tracked 1000 adults in the US, showed an increased 30% risk of death for each stressful event that occurred. BUT it also showed that those who spent time serving friends, neighbors and people in their community had 0% increased chance of death from their stressful events. Our biology is literally changed when we reach out under pressure.
This week as I stood in front the group of women, I confessed that I was feeling really nervous. Immediately I received kind looks of affirmation and smiles. Their smiles gave me the courage to calm my nerves enough to present the way I had hoped.
Stress is only harmful if we believe it is. I love Kelly Gonigal’s summation of stress, “Stress gives us access to our hearts. The compassionate heart finds joy and meaning in connecting with others.”
What are you stressed about right now?
Here’s a TED talk by Kelly McGonigal discussing this idea more in depth. How to Make Stress Your Friend.