Tag: motivation

It’s Okay If You Don’t Want To

Last week my three-year-old daughter was in the hospital for several days. As you can probably imagine, she hated all the probing and poking by the nurses and she kept asking to go home. When the doctors finally identified the pathogen she had, my daughter started improving with an IV antibiotic treatment.

Though my daughter had started to feel better, the doctor stipulated that to return home my daughter had to show that she could continue to improve while on an oral antibiotic.

I Don’t Want To

When we tried to give my daughter the large syringe full of creamy white antibiotic, she said, “I don’t want to take the antibiotic.” She turned her head and tried to run away. It was ironic because I knew what she REALLY wanted was to go home, but it first required doing something she didn’t want to do.

I told her, “It’s okay if you don’t want to take the medicine. You don’t have to want to take it, we just have to do it.” In the end, she finally took the antibiotics. She continued to get better and thankfully we were able to return home.

It’s Okay If You Don’t Want To

It seemed so obvious that my daughter NEEDED to do what she didn’t WANT to do, but ironically, I found myself struggling with the same thing this week. I’ve needed to redesign my website for some time—it’s important for growing my business, which is what I ultimately want. But I didn’t know exactly how to do the redesign and the more I got into it and tried to deal with all the technicalities it was overwhelming. I didn’t WANT to deal with it. My brain started thinking about how I could hire it out, or if I could just keep the website I had.

You Can Do It Even If You Don’t Want To

But I told my brain the same thing I told my daughter. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. You don’t have to WANT to, you just have to DO it.” I knew that I had to do something I didn’t want to do now, so that I could get what I really wanted in the long run. So, I stuck it out. I kept trying and failing. I kept researching, googling “how-to” videos, and experimenting. I redesigned my website and I’m delighted with it.

Why the Brain Sabotages What We Really Want

Why does the brain often reject doing something we don’t want to do now, even if we know that what we ultimately want requires it? Because these desires are directed by different parts of our brain. The prefrontal cortex, or the higher brain, is where all of our logic, planning, and strategy occurs. The prefrontal cortex looks out for our long-term interests. The limbic system, or the lower brain, is the more “primal” part of our brain that tries to keep us alive—it’s primary goals are pleasure, safety, and efficiency. It keeps us from touching fire, it keeps us eating so we don’t starve, it helps us reproduce, etc. It’s looking for what feels good in the moment—because what feels good in the moment will often keep us alive.

The Higher Brain Can Supervise the Lower Brain

However, while the lower brain will keep us alive, it won’t make us happy. In order to be happy, we have to supervise the lower brain with the higher brain. Humans are the only animal that have a complex higher brain that can override the primitive part of the brain. The good news is, in humans the lower brain can’t do anything without the permission of the higher brain. That means it’s possible to not want to do something with our lower brain, and we can use our higher brain to choose to do it anyway in order to get what we really want.

The Skill of Happiness

It’s possible to not want to do something, and do it anyway. Learning this skill is the key to accomplishing your goals and becoming the person you really want to become.

How to Do It Even If When You Don’t Want To

Remind yourself it’s your lower brain talking.
Remind yourself that your higher brain DOES want to do it.
Do it anyway, even if your lower brain doesn’t want to.

Stop Saying “Should”

The word “should” seems innocent–even motivating but a closer look reveals that it leaves a trail of damage. It highlights inadequacies, robs us of motivation, and leaves us stuck in anxiety, disappointment and frustration. Removing the word “should” from your lexicon can make a big impact in how you feel about yourself and others.

“Should” is Everywhere

I used to say the word “should” all the time. “I should have gotten up earlier this morning.” “I should have been more patient with my kids.” “I should have started dinner earlier.”

I even used “should” when I thought about others. “My kids should listen the first time!” “People shouldn’t cut me off in traffic.” “They should make this website easier to navigate.”

Sometimes I used it to describe situation around me. “This shouldn’t be so hard.” “This meeting should be shorter.”

I also used to feel discouraged, overwhelmed and anxious a lot of the day.

“Should” Seems Responsible

At first glance, the word “should” seems like a benign or even a helpful word. It seems like it’s helping us notice how things need to be different. By recognizing how things should be, it’s almost as if we feel we’ve compensated for the fact that they aren’t that way. It makes us feel more decent and more responsible.

However, as I’ve become more aware of my internal dialogue. I’ve realized that the word “should” is quite insidious. It leaves a trail of devastating damage behind. Should doesn’t help me do or become more. It has the opposite effect.

The Problem with “Should”

The word “should” causes me to notice all that I am NOT doing and all that I have NOT become. It accentuates others’ faults and weaknesses, and highlights the less than ideal in circumstances around me. Because we feel that we and things around us are inadequate, it can decrease our motivation and leave us feeling anxious and frustrated. You can’t beat yourself up into being better. You can’t beat others into being better either–“shoulding” others strains relationships because it feels like criticism. It doesn’t mean we stop making requests of others or ourselves, it just means we don’t keep flogging ourselves with the expectation that it “should” be different.

What to Say Instead of “Should”

Here are some alternatives to the word “should” when you notice it creeping into your own internal dialogue.

Focus on the Benefit

I feel _____________ when I ___________.

Instead of saying “I should have changed out of my yoga pants before I picked my kids up at the bus stop.” Say, “I feel so much more confident when I take the time to get ready before my kids get home from school.” This helps you focus on the end result which motivating instead of on the action you didn’t do, which is discouraging.

State What You Value

It’s important to me to ________________.

It’s easy to say “I should be on time to church.” Instead say, “It’s important to me to be on time for church.” It’s much more motivating to be on time when it’s couched in terms of what you value instead of what you “should” do.

Change the “sh” to “w” or “c”

I could _______________.
Just substituting “would” or “could” instead of “should” can make a big difference. It makes our requests much more pleasant and loving.

“It would make our home so much more pleasant if you could hang your backpack up when you get home.” Consider the difference between that and this. “You should hang your backpack up when you get home so our house doesn’t look trashed.”

Get Curious

I wonder why I am/they are ________________.

Using should takes us out of the present—it makes us think of something that didn’t happen in the past, or something that needs to happen in the future. Most of these thoughts come with stress and other negative emotions. Bringing our attention back to the present can help us abate some of this negativity.

Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t have yelled at my kids.” Think, “I’m feeling really irritated right now. I wonder why I’m feeling irritated?”

Getting curious about what you’re thinking and feeling has a powerful impact on helping us become more of who we want to be instead of just reacting to things around us.

Stop saying “should”

Getting rid of “should” can be so freeing. I’ve been working on this for a long time and I’m still working on it. My shoulds everyday are a lot fewer than they used to be. As a result I feel a lot more confidence, and I feel a lot less frustration with others.

Shoulds are a fixture in our lexicon. It takes some practice, and some patience but the payout in personal peace and motivation is big. Saying less shoulds to ourselves allows us to focus on what we ARE doing, and what we WANT to be doing instead of what we’re not doing. Removing “should” for others can give space in relationships allows people to feel loved as they are; this enables deeper connections. Eliminating “should” thoughts about circumstances lets us accept the things we cannot change and move forward instead of staying stuck in wishing things were different.

How many times a day do you say “should?”

Try observing when you use “should” and how it affects you.
Try substituting a different thought when you notice yourself saying “should.”

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What To Do When You Don’t Feel Like It

We don’t have to WANT to do something, to do it. And in fact, the best way to change the way we feel about something is to do it. Positive outcomes actually reward the brain with happy hormones and the brain learns doing something hard is more desirable than the saved energy or the emotional exposure that we protect by not doing it.

I Don’t FEEL Like It

When I was a freshman in High School, I naively signed up for Cross Country not knowing what I was getting myself into. I showed up the first day in my canvas skimmer shoes, hobbled my way through the 3 mile run and came back red in the face, out of breath and dead last.

My calves hurt, my feet hurt, my EVERYTHING hurt. I was embarrassed and out of shape. I did NOT feel like going back the next day.

I had an amazing Coach—Coach Fergeson. He ran beside me and encouraged me during practice. It was mainly because of him that I kept going back. Slowly my muscles began to be conditioned and eventually I was able to run the whole 3 miles without stopping. I was still last, but not quite so miserably.

If we believe we must “feel” like doing something in order to do something, we will have a difficult time accomplishing much. In psychology, this is called Emotional Reasoning. It’s a concept that means you make decisions based on how you feel. Feelings should certainly be consulted when making a decision. But if we left all our actions to be determined only by the feeling centers of our brains, we would stay in bed, eat chocolate chip cookies and watch Netflix all day. Rarely does the brain WANT to do work, WANT to open up and be vulnerable or WANT to do things that are challenging.

We Don’t Have to FEEL Like It

In fact, in the new book “What the Brain Wants and Why We Should Do Exactly the Opposite,” the author explains that the brain’s primary motives are geared toward basic survival. This means avoiding pain, increasing our efficiency and seeking pleasure. While these things may have helped our ancestors survive, in a modern world they can actually sabotage our happiness.

There are very few physical threats, life is already very efficient and pleasure is available at the touch of a button or by opening a package. In fact, we need to learn the difference between when these basic survival skills help us (such as when we touch a hot stove), and when they hurt us (such as not getting out of bed).

Just Do It

Even though I never FELT like going to practice, I stuck with it. Pretty soon, other things besides my coach began motivating me. I made friends on the team, I started working for personal bests on my time and I discovered running had the most amazing after-run high.

I went on to run four years of Cross Country with my high school time and running became a life-long sport for me. During college, I built up to running half-marathons, marathons, and tri-athalons. I recently ran my first Spartan Obstacle Race.

Because I was willing to overcome my brain’s desire to avoid pain, I grew to love and crave exercise. I notice my day isn’t the same without it. The physical and emotional health and sense of accomplishment I have gleaned from showing up when I didn’t feel like it has blessed me over the past 20 years.

When our higher brain knows something is good for us but our lower brain doesn’t FEEL like it, we would be well served to follow the Nike slogan, “Just do it.” When you can’t, channel your inner Coach Fergeson and encourage yourself along the way trusting that once the brain gets enough times of recognizing the benefits, the lower brain will take over and begin “feeling” like it.

Getting It Done

What do you often not FEEL like doing?

1. Recognize your brain is doing it’s job to try to avoid discomfort and be efficient. But also recognize that in this case you might need to override your brain’s base motivation with your higher brain knowing you’ll be happier in the long run.

2. Just do it. Doing the thing you least feel like doing is the best way to reinforce to your brain that this activity actually is beneficial!

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