Most of us have never experienced a global pandemic. Neither of the other other humans on hearth. We’ll all be bad at learning how to manage it sometimes. It’s okay. We can have compassion on ourselves and others.
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I like it when people respect me and admire me. Most of us do. We spend a lot of our time in social situations managing the way others feel and think about us. If you really believed that it was okay for people to be wrong about you, how would that change your behavior? This idea has radically changed my life, improving my relationships and allowing me to focus on what really matters.
When one of my daughters was a toddler she had some health issues and cried almost constantly. A lot of the day was spent in tantrums and tears. We felt so badly for her. We read lots of parenting books, tried lots of things and worked hard to find her the medical care she needed.
However, caring for a child who was so emotionally volatile was exhausting. It was also humiliating to bring her out in public because I felt so judged.
I remember the looks on people’s faces as they watched me with her in a store or when we were at church. They stared. They lifted their eyebrows. They rolled their eyes. They walked away. They pretended to ignore me, but their faces told a different story.
Sometimes people made comments like, “Wow, she’s loud,” or “She’s a handful.” It wasn’t uncommon to receive unsolicited parenting advice, “Have you tried just ignoring it?” or “She really needs some consequences and boundaries.” Sometimes people we knew a bit better would say things like, “I used to think you just couldn’t handle your daughter, but now that we have a tough one I feel bad for judging you.”
We aren’t perfect parents, but we were trying earnestly and had tried A LOT of things. I believe most people were just observing what they saw. Because I felt awkward about the way my daughter was acting and I worried people would judge me, their comments felt a lot like judgement.
Occasionally some good soul would say something like, “I’ve totally been there.” One time my daughter had a tantrum in the entry way of a large building. She was large enough that it was difficult to lift her up and take her out. I remember a woman who stopped and said, “You’re doing great.” I loved that human being! I had some wonderful friends and family who were supportive and loving during this difficult period. I am still so grateful for this.
One day though, I confided in a friend how discouraged I was feeling about how my daughter acted in public. She said, “There is nothing wrong with your daughter—there is only something wrong with you!” I don’t think she meant to hurt my feelings, but it hit at the core of what I worried people were thinking. “Because your child is acting so difficult, there is something wrong with you!” I found myself not wanting to go out with my daughter in public.
Every time my daughter had a meltdown, I not only had the very real emotional, mental, and physical work of helping her, I also felt like I had to defend myself, my daughter’s situation, my actions and my parenting. I didn’t want to be judged. Though MANY people were loving and compassionate, it was hard for most people to understand. I felt a lot of resentment that I was misunderstood.
I could see resentment was eating me away. It was eroding my relationships, my happiness and enjoyment socially. So I made a decision: it was okay if people judged me. Of course people didn’t understand! How could they unless they had been through something similar? People judge. There isn’t much we can do about it. It’s part of being human.
I decided to believe in myself. I knew I was doing my best, and it was okay if people thought I was a “bad mom.” It was so freeing!
Once I let go of trying to prevent other people’s judgement, my life changed. I remember going to Michael’s with my daughter screaming the whole time and being able to genuinely return smiles for the rude looks I got. I remember just being able to listen to people’s comments of sympathy or concern and keep an open mind without feeling defensive when friends shared ideas about how to help her.
With so much mental and emotional space cleared up from worrying about being judged and trying to defend myself, I was able to use the space to be more creative and have more energy to help my daughter and get in a healthier place myself. Also, because I was less defensive I was able to actually accept some of the good ideas people offered. Some were helpful, others weren’t. But I was able to think of them as offerings of love instead of darts of judgment.
I learned a powerful lesson through this experience. The things that I notice in others are often reflections of how I feel about myself. When I feel confident that I’m doing my best, I was able to be okay with other’s judgement of me because I didn’t believe it. I realized they could think whatever they wanted and I could still sincerely know I was doing my best. This was a tremendous relief.
Who do you try to please?
Stop trying to convince them you are right or good, and start believing in yourself enough to let them be wrong about you.