Emotions Are Contagious

Just as we can be infected by a sick person passing along their germs to us, our bodies have a built-in mechanism for “catching” emotions from others.  Without even realizing it, we pass along and receive emotions many times a day.  This has a significant effect on how we feel and on the emotional environment we create around us.  If we aren’t aware of the emotions we are giving off and receiving, these emotions can sabotage our moods, relationships, and our success.   

Emotions are Contagious

Do any of these experiences sound familiar: Have you ever winced when you saw someone stub her toe?  Have you ever yelled at your children to stop yelling, only to realize the irony that you just did the thing you asked them not to?  Have you ever been having a great day that turned sour because your children came home from school and started fighting and complaining?  Have you ever given your spouse the silent treatment because he was giving it to you?  Have you ever noticed someone who looked skeptically at you and later softened when you smiled at them?

Emotions are contagious.  Our brains are wired to mirror the emotions of people around us.  Check out this interesting demonstration of contagious emotions in a YouTube Video of a man laughing on the Metro and people around him starting to laugh until almost everyone is laughing.

Mirror Neurons

Obviously, we don’t “catch” emotions in the same way we catch disease.  However, there is a scientific explanation for the contagion of human emotion. The American Psychological Association describes this phenomenon as something called “mirror neurons.”   Essentially, mirror neurons are the brain’s ability to feel what someone else is feeling.

A group of researchers studied the neural reactions of some monkeys when they bit into a treat and other monkeys as they watched their companions eat the treat.  The pre-motor cortex of the monkey eating the treat responded in the same way as the pre-motor cortex of the monkey who only watched the other monkey bite into the treat.  Researchers were later able to find similar reactions in the human brain.  In other words—when we see others experience something, our brains have a similar reaction.  Literally, the same areas of the brain are affected when we watch someone experience something as when we experience it ourselves.

The Upside of Mirror Neurons

Mirror neurons serve a crucial purpose in connecting us to others.  They help us learn in our early development.  As infants, we observe how our parents and caregivers respond and feel about things, and we pattern our actions after theirs.  We’ve all seen mirror neurons in action as we watch a baby learn to smile.  These neurons help us determine what is safe and good around us.

These neurons also give us the ability to feel empathy.  When we see or hear about someone experiencing something, we are able to actually feel (or imagine) the same biological stimuli they do.  For example, when we see someone bump their head, we might wince.  Mirror neurons let us feel what we think the other person might be feeling.  This allows us to act with compassion or concern.  In the same way, these neurons can help us feel excitement for someone else.  We all love watching a romantic movie or seeing someone we know fall in love.  Our brains experience a portion of that same feeling.  This mirroring of emotion allows us to be excited for and supportive of people. The ability to mirror others’ emotions is at the crux of helping us connect with others.


The Downside of Mirror Neurons

The downside of mirror neurons is that we sometimes unwittingly become susceptible to the emotions of others.  When others are frustrated, angry or impatient, we may find that we have the same experience.  Several years ago, researchers studied mirror neurons in public settings. They watched the impact of one person at a metro stop who was visibly impatient—sighing, looking at his watch, and rolling his eyes.  The study showed that others around him became impatient as well.  In contrast, in the absence of someone who was visibly impatient, others at the metro stop did not become as impatient.  If we are not aware of our brain’s unconscious mirroring of emotion, we can easily be swept up into the drama of other’s emotions.

How To Avoid Mirroring Negative Emotion

Simply knowing that negative emotions can be contagious can give us leverage as we choose not to mirror back negative feelings.  Below is an example of how choosing not to mirror back emotions has helped our family during “morning mayhem”:

Getting out the door in the morning sometimes feels like a race.  From the minute the alarm clock rings, we rush around trying to get ready and eat breakfast in order to get to the bus in time.  My kids would much rather play and take their time—they don’t like rushing.

I’m constantly nagging and reminding my kids to “hurry.”  They are irritated that they “have” to do something and they are bothered that they have to do it quickly.  Without realizing what I am doing, I often mirror back their emotions.  I’m irritated that they aren’t hurrying.  We get caught in a yucky collusion of my nagging and reminding them to hurry, and they show their irritation by being grumpy, talking back, and moving slowly.

Using the same principle of mirror neurons, I decided to try a different approach.  I figured my kids would probably get ready more quickly if I was calm and supportive.  At the very least, I hoped a calmer environment would help us start the day and get out the door on a happier, more positive note.  I got up and reminded myself I wanted to set a calm tone—I woke my kids up by rubbing their backs and talking gently.  I smiled at them and handed them their clothes.  During breakfast, I put on calm music, I used a calm voice, and I tried not to nag.  My kids reflected calmness back to me.  I noticed a lot less talking back, frustration, and distraction.

We didn’t beat any Olympic time records, but we did make it out the door in decent time and everyone was so much happier starting the day.  I was floored at the power of mirror neurons to change how I felt and my kids felt.

Avoiding mirroring negative emotions first requires that we become aware of our capacity to both receive emotional cues from others and give them out ourselves.  Second, we must make a conscious decision to choose the emotion we want to feel instead of simply responding to emotions around us.

Mirror Neurons and Difficult Conversations

Almost everyone cares at least a little about what others think of them, and we often predict what others might think about what we do or say.  We might assume others won’t like something—or that they will.  Interestingly, we often make our assumptions true by the way we present something.  We read other’s feelings (or project the way they will respond) through our mirror neurons and mirror back that emotion.

Instead of being reactive to the way other’s may feel, we can determine how WE feel.  When we genuinely express our own feelings, others will often mirror back the same emotion.  This can be particularly powerful in difficult conversations.

I completed a Nutrition and Dietetics degree at small women’s college in Boston.  I enjoyed my time there and found some wonderful professor-mentors. Many of them encouraged me and my fellow students to pursue challenging career paths and to seek out positions of leadership in our field.  I had many of these opportunities available to me.

Near the end of my degree program, my husband and I decided to have a baby.  I became pregnant and we were thrilled!  I planned to complete my program, but I decided to complete it at a slower rate and I knew it might change some of my career choices afterward.  I was worried about how my choice to have a baby would be received by my professors.  I was afraid they would be disappointed, and view my baby as a road block to my success.  All summer I stewed about how I would tell them about their pregnancy, worrying about their reaction.  I felt awkward telling them, and my first inclination was to approach it awkwardly.

When the time came to tell my professors, though, I decided to exude my genuine emotion, which was excitement!  I shared my exciting news and told my professors how thrilled I was!  I was curious about their reaction and I was delighted to see that they responded with excitement and support for me!

In fact, they were so generous—they allowed me to take time off for the delivery, told me that I could bring the baby to class, and supported me in several research projects, including my thesis on pregnancy-related diet issues.  I have always wondered how they would have responded had I gone in feeling uncomfortable and awkward about telling them—I wonder if they might have responded with discomfort and awkwardness about it as well.  I don’t know, but I learned a powerful lesson about emotions.

People often mirror our emotions back to us.  It’s counterproductive to anticipate their response and come to them with that emotion, because we simply create the result we feared.  Making a deliberate choice to be authentic in our feelings may or may not result in a positive response from the person we’re talking to.  However, being authentic brings us personal peace.  As we learn to care less about what others think, being authentic becomes easier.  Check out my article about getting over people pleasing.

The Emotions We Express Matter

The emotions we exude to others matter. We play a pivotal role in co-creating the emotional environment we live in with others.  Being deliberate about our emotions, instead of simply mirroring back the emotions of others, gives us more control, more peace, and more satisfaction.

Act Emotionally, Don’t React Emotionally

What is the dominant emotion you feel when getting ready in the morning?  What emotions do you feel most often when you are with your spouse, your children, or your friends?  What emotions from others are you mirroring?

1.   Be aware of others’ emotions and how you might be mirroring their emotions.
2.  Choose what emotion you want to feel and project that emotion for others to mirror.


Sources
Scientific American.  “What’s So Special About Mirror Neurons?” Ben Thomas, Nov. 6, 2012.
Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews.  “Connecting Minds and Sharing Emotions through Mimicry:  A Neurocognitive Model of Emotional Contagion.”  Eliska Prochazkova, Mariska A Kret.  Vol. 80, September 2017, Pages 99-114.
Mind Spring. “The Connection Between Mirror Neurons and Workplace Success.” April 5, 2018.

The Marble Jar: How to Build Trust

Trust is the magic that connects us to people–it allows us to share vulnerable things and to feel close to others.  Without trust we become separate entities that only interact on the surface.  Trust opens us to deeper and more loving connection.  Developing trust may be more simple than you think.

Who Are the People You Trust?

“I will never trust anyone again!” she announced as she slammed the door and slumped down on the floor.  Not sure exactly what had prompted the outburst by her third-grade daughter, Brene Brown, a well-known author and researcher probed her daughter a bit more.

The story came tumbling out; she had told an embarrassing moment to a friend during recess.  That friend had told other friends and soon everyone was giggling and whispering about her when the teacher came into the classroom.  To make matters worse, because of all the talking and giggling, the teacher took marbles out of the class marble jar used to help promote good behavior.

Brene took a big breath and wiped her daughter’s tears.  She set aside her desires to beat up her daughter’s friends, and tried to think how to explain trust to her daughter.  With the marble jar image fresh in her mind, Brene explained that we share precious things with people who have earned the right to know them.  Our trust of others is like a marble jar.  Over time people gradually add marbles to the jar with little acts of trust–or lose marbles with small acts of betrayal.  Marble jar friends are people who we have learned we can trust and depend on.

Then she asked her daughter, “Do you have any marble jar friends?”  “Yes.” Her daughter replied.  “How do you know they are marble jar friends?” Brene asked. “Because Laura gives me half a hiney-seat at lunch when there isn’t anywhere else to sit.  And, Hannah because she remembered Opa and Oma’s name at the soccer game.”  Brene was surprised at the simplicity of things that earned theoretical marbles of trust.  Frankly, they weren’t heroic, they were small.

Why Do You Trust Them?

Inspired by this exchange, Brene Brown spent the next several years researching what creates trust.  Interestingly, she confirmed exactly what her daughter had first identified; trust is built in small moments. Moments such as; remembering a birthday, smiling and saying hello in the hall, listening and empathizing instead of fixing, showing up at a funeral, remembering a family member’s name, asking follow up questions, following through on what you say you’ll do.  Truly trust is built through small acts…putting marbles in the jar consistently over time.

What have the people you trust done to earn your trust?

How Do You Earn The Trust of Others?

Trust is precious.  I want the people closest to me to trust me.  I love the image of the marble jar as a metaphor of how to build trust. The following are things that research shows build trust and how they have played out in my life.

Examine Your Motives

Humans are astute judges of other’s motives. Most of us have more than one motive for doing things.   Our motives don’t have to be 100% altruistic all the time, but they need to have others’ interests at heart.

My husband prefers to do his haircuts at home to save money.  Over the years I learned how he liked his hair and every few weeks I would cut it. During a period of time when I was up with my baby at night a lot and I felt in high demand during the day, cutting his hair sometimes felt like one more duty I had to perform.  Of course, I loved him, and wanted to help him, but often I felt some resentment that this task meant less sleep or less time I could do something other than helping people all day.  I never verbalized this to my husband, but he could tell that I was a bit put out.  He knew that I was cutting his hair out of obligation and not love.

One day I came in and he was cutting his own hair.  I was surprised.  When I asked him why he was cutting his own hair, he explained he felt bad asking me to do his hair when it seemed like it was so stressful for me.  He could tell that my motives weren’t pure. Although he was very gracious, I lost some of his trust in that exchange.

Be Reliable

It may seem intuitive that reliability builds trust–however being reliable can be challenging.  It certainly requires deliberate effort.

My kids are often slow at getting out of the house.  I often have to remind them multiple times to put their shoes on, go to the bathroom, and get out in the car.  I realized one day that I’m not very reliable; when I say it’s time to go, I’m still running around grabbing a diaper for my diaper bag, getting my own shoes, or running back in the house to get something I forgot.  My children have learned not to trust me when I say it’s time now.  I am trying to be more reliable.  I have been making an effort to get myself ready first and really be ready to go when I ask them to come.  Things have improved—we’re still not smooth as silk but it has improved things.  When my kids know I’ll be ready when I call them, they are better at coming right away.

Be Willing to Sacrifice

Sometimes the tiniest sacrifices build the most trust.   Small sacrifices can add up over time to be more meaningful than big ones offered once.

My mom made small sacrifices for me growing up.  I remember the budget was often tight when I was in my teen years.  Like most girls I was anxious to look attractive and feel like I had stylish clothes. I remember multiple times my mom would say, “You can have the clothing budget this month.”  I knew she needed new clothes as well, and was giving me the budget knowing how important it was to me.  These moments added marbles to my jar.

Notice and Act

Most people aren’t brave enough to ask for help when they really need it unless things get pretty dire. Interestingly, research shows that asking for help is one of the most powerful ways to build trust.

I will always be grateful to an amazing friend, Melinda Call, who knew how to be a marble jar friend.  Shortly after my fourth baby she must have noticed the dark bags under my eyes from being up late with my newborn. She casually mentioned she’d be happy to watch my baby one morning a week so that I could have a time I could count on to nap or have time to do whatever I’d like.  I was so taken back.  I never would have asked someone to do that, and yet I so desperately needed it. She didn’t know that I had struggled with post-partum depression after each of my last 3 children, partially due to lack of sleep and feeling constantly needed without much of a break. My friend just observed and acted.

Own Your Words

If you say something, own it.   It’s easy to say something, and mean something else.  We diminish trust when we  expect others to know from our tone of voice or from our facial expression what we really mean.

One time a friend asked if I could watch her children.  Normally I don’t mind watching kids owever, it was a stressful day, and I was feeling overwhelmed and worn down.  Her children were lively and busy and I knew it would drain me if I took them that day.  Although I wanted to help, I should have probably said no.  Instead I agreed to watch her kids not wanting to disappoint my friend.

The kids were particularly difficult–drawing with permanent marker all over my daughter’s new bedspread, breaking some items in the house, and dumping every basket of toys out.  I found myself resenting my friend and feeling frustrated that she would ask me to watch her children at the last minute.  When she arrived to pick up the kids she asked how it went.  “It was fine.”  I said.  But my tone of voice and face said otherwise.

As I look back, I wasn’t adding many marbles to her jar.  I agreed to watch her kids and yet I blamed her for bringing difficult kids over on an inconvenient day.  I didn’t own my words when I accepted the responsibility or when I gave the report on the day.  My friend, I’m sure, felt mixed signals from me.   It must have been confusing and frustrating for her!

Love Even If They Don’t Deserve It

Most of us know when we’ve let someone else down; we feel less lovable.  One of the most powerful ways to build trust with others is to love them even when they don’t deserve it.

When stress gets to me and I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I am snappy and critical of my family.  Really this isn’t fair and certainly isn’t pleasant.  My husband’s response has taught me a lot about trust.  Sometimes he will hug me and ask how I’m doing.  Occasionally he will ask if he can take the kids while I have some personal time, or make a joke that diffuses the tension.  Sometimes he simply ignores it.  Loving me through my yucky times and not being critical back to me really melts my heart.  It fills my jar of trust.  Interestingly it makes me WANT to be more loving and kind.

It’s The Little Things

It’s the little things that build trust–the way we respond when our children spill something, choosing to do something inconvenient because it’s important to someone else, forgiving small or big injustices, smiling just because, deliberately noticing ways we can help, doing what we say we’ll do, owning what we say, and really doing things out of love and not obligation that slowly add up to relationships of trust.

Do the people you love most have a jar full of marbles from you?

Begin adding marbles to their jars by doing small and simple things consistly over time.

Brene Brown tells her story about the marble jar in one of her books, Daring Greatly.  She also gives an audio rendition of the story in this video called, “The Anatomy of Trust.”

https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/