Many moms feel guilt about working. Guilt comes because we value two things at the same time and are not able to do both to the extent we want. Letting go of guilt and finding peace may require changing our actions but often it is less about changing what we’re doing, and more about changing how we think.
Working Mom Guilt
Recently I started working from home part-time. My first priority—like most mothers–is my family. I have been exclusively a stay-at-home mom for several years, which I’ve loved. Working part-time has been a bit of a new balance for my family and has caused a variety of emotions in both my children and in me. I LOVE what I do and I feel my work has helped me be a better mom in many ways. Yet, I have found myself feeling lots of guilt that I’m not with my children all the time.
Guilt Means We Value Two Things
Guilt is usually an indication that we value two things. I value being a mom who’s available to my children AND I value being able to make a contribution outside of, and in addition to my family. No matter how I tried to configure things, the two things I value always seemed to be robbing from the other. I inevitably ended up feeling guilty and frustrated regardless of what I was doing.
The Guilt Trap
When I was working I felt guilty. Even though I had a babysitter there, and I had made sure all their needs were met, I felt guilty when my three-year old started banging on the door and crying. Or when I had to put off my kids to meet a deadline. I felt like a bad mom—and thought, “I’m not available when my kids need me. My work is taking away from my kids in some way.”
When I was with my children full-time I often found that I became run-down, distracted and irritated. I felt resentful that people were constantly needing things and I was just giving constantly. I’d spend lots of time picking up the house and then nag my kids to put everything away and get irritated that they didn’t do it. I would find myself noticing small problems with my children’s behavior and stressing about them. I would sit down to play with my daughter and enjoyed it for a few minutes but then became bored. Sometimes I would get distracted thinking about my to-do list, or other more interesting things. Or, I was often irritable and impatient. Ironically, I felt guilty that I wasn’t being a good mom—even when I was spending all my time with them.
I was in a guilt trap. It seemed no matter what I did I felt guilty. I was tired of feeling guilty.
Getting Down to the Why
In order to get some traction on this, I decided I needed to get down to WHY I wanted both things. The motive behind our actions can be very telling. Clean motives sound like “I want to be the kind of person who….” “I value….etc.” These types of motives usually reveal we are in alignment with our own values.
Motives like, “I have to….” “I should…” “If I don’t…” “I’m afraid without ______ I will be _____” “I don’t know…..” reveal that we are operating our of fear, confusion or obligation. This usually leads to lack of fulfillment and frustration.
Whichever path I chose (working or not) I wanted to do it from a place of empowerment.
Was I working to get away from my kids? Was I being with my kids because I was afraid my skills were too rusty and I didn’t really know what or how to contribute? Was I afraid I couldn’t be happy without working? Was I afraid I had to work for finances? Am I being a mom because I feel obligated?
Why Do I Want to Be a Mom?
I want to be a mom because I believe family is why we’re here on earth. At the end of life, when I look back, my family and my role as mother and wife will matter most. I want to feel that I did my best: I want to love and teach the four little spirits I have, how to be confident of their own worth, how to interact with others, how to be responsible and contributing citizens and I want to make sure they feel loved.
Why Do I Want to Work?
I want to work because I want to share some of the amazing tools I had found to help other moms access better emotional health. When I use my mind and create, it fulfills some of my own needs which allows me to give more to my kids. I find I don’t feel as resentful because I don’t feel I’m in a tunnel of never-ending demands. Ironically, I find that less time with my kids helps me value the time I have with my kids more—and be all in with them when we’re together. I find that when my brain is busy solving problems at work, I don’t feel as much of a need to nit-pick problems with the house or with my children’s behavior. There seems to be more room for just loving them.
Breakthrough
In examining they whys of each, I had a breakthrough. I realized that I still believed my work took away from my children in some way even though reality showed that wasn’t true.
Once I realized this I was able to re-direct my brain to two new thoughts:
- Offering my children a mom who is emotionally healthy will bless them infinitely more than the extra number of minutes I might spend with them.
- Modeling for my children how to be a healthy, integrated mom who takes care of them but also takes care of myself could be one of the most powerful things I offer them—even more powerful than any amount of minutes playing withthem.
- My work actually brought them a sense of identity. They were proud of what I was doing, and interested in it. And when I was busy it allowed them to practice being more independent and handling the disappointment of not having me there sometimes.
Finding Peace
When I redirected my mind to these thoughts, I was able to let go of the guilt. I was able to feel that my work actually benefited my children instead of taking away from them. Ironically, without the guilt I found I showed up as a better mom AND I showed up better for work.
Working isn’t the right choice for every mom and each mom will have their own situations and challenges. However, if you are working or want to work and feel guilty, it might help to use the guilt as information rather than a chance to rail on yourself. Examine why you want to be with your kids and why you want to work. You may find you want to change what you’re doing. Either way though, own your choice and choose to live in peace instead of racking yourself with guilt. A peaceful mom will be way more powerful than whether or not you work.
Replace Working Mom Guilt with Peace
Write out why you want to be with your kids. Write out why you want to work. Determine if your motives are “clean.” If so, then make the best choice possible and own it! Don’t keep wracking yourself in guilt.