The brain loves to categorize others and ourselves as “good” or “bad.” But there are many drawbacks to this. Learning to honestly acknowledge the good AND bad in ourselves and others can allow us to be more honest, make changes, and love ourselves and others more deeply.
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As we experience life, we subconsciously think of ourselves and others in certain roles. They may not be quite as dramatic or as pigeonholed as as “villain,” “hero,” “victim,” but we do tend to cast ourselves and others in particular roles. Sometimes roles we assume can impact the way we experience life. Questioning the way we cast ourselves and others with our thoughts can be a helpful exercise in improving relationships and feeling better.
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What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for your spouse to stop being so critical or help out more? Are you waiting for your kids to start being more respectful? Are you waiting for someone to invite you over and reach out to you? Are you waiting for a job offer to come back? Are you waiting to lose weight? Are you waiting for someone to change the curriculum at school or someone to who shares your value system to run for political office? Most of us are waiting for something. Whatever you’re waiting for, I have great news.
It’s easy to feel that we are at the mercy of others for things to change. I want to remind you that YOU have tremendous power to change your relationships just by changing YOU and the way you think about them and by being brave to take action. Here are examples of two women I admire, who chose to BE the change they were waiting for:
First, several years ago a woman shared with me once that she was very embarrassed by the way her husband acted in social situations. He was awkward and seemed to say things that only he found funny. For many years she bit her lip but inwardly felt humiliated. Sometimes she even tried to ‘clean things up’ for him socially. Ultimately she realized her embarrassment about social situations was eroding her own relationship with him.
She decided that she wanted to be proud to be with him, no matter how he acted. So, when he was awkward and made his jokes SHE decided to be the one who laughed. She began to wonder what HE found so funny about his jokes. Over time she began to seem more humor in them and she even found enjoyment in watching him enjoy himself. She sincerely began to enjoy being with him more in social situations, and she found herself falling back in love with her husband. Interestingly others relaxed and seemed to enjoy her husband’s jokes more as well. That was a nice bonus, but by then it didn’t matter as much because she sincerely enjoyed him regardless. SHE was the one she’d been waiting for.
The second example is even more recent. In 2016 around the time of the US Presidential election, Sharleen Mullins Glenn was feeling frustrated and concerned about the corruption and self-interest she saw on the political stage. She kept wishing something would change, and that someone would do something about it. Finally, she prayed to know what SHE could do. The answer that came was to start, “Mormon Women for Ethical Government;” an on-line community of women who are concerned about ethical values in US governance and policy. They are non-partisan advocates for honor, decency and accountability in politics. In just a short time it has grown to over 6,000 members and has representation all of the US and even the world. They have been able to write press releases, hold rallies, talk to legislators and advocate for policy changes. She chose to BE the one who she was waiting for.
The first time we lived in China I was shocked at how people behaved in public places. Trying to get on an elevator felt like a Herculean event, especially with young children. The minute the doors opened, people began pushing and shoving and elbowing their way to the front. There was no respect for lines or who was waiting first. It was survival of the fittest and whoever was the biggest bully won! It felt rude and disrespectful to me. One time I will never forget was trying to get off the plan after 24 hours of traveling alone with 3 young children; an anxious 5 year old, a busy toddler and a new baby. I had survived the flight and was trying to get my luggage from the overhead compartment while helping a crying newborn in my front pack and trying to keep my toddler from running off. Before the plane had even stopped. People were up in the isles shoving each other to get off the plane. When I tried to stand up people knocked me over and my daughter got shoved up against the seat. Not one person stopped to let me get out. We had to wait until every person got off the plane. This might be fine if it is simply a short trip. But his was my every day. I could not understand it and it began to affect my experience living in China.
While we were living there I read the book, Wild Swans, which details the true story of 3 generations of women from a woman who was a concubine, to her daughter who was part of the cultural revolution, to her daughter who became a modern, educated woman and immigrated to the US. Through it I learned much of the recent history of China over the last century. Not just the facts and dates–but the emotional toll it took on people. For example, I read about when the government asked many of the big thinkers for criticisms telling them they would be rewarded for improving the country. Then, he punished them by imprisoning them, relegating them to rural labor or forcing them to leave the country. Others were forced to give names of family members that the government would punish in return for sparing their own jobs. These are just a few examples, but I began to see how a culture of self preservation had prospered here. I understood how people could push each other down getting to the elevator or off the plane. They knew that to survive they must depend on themselves. They knew that trusting others might be dangerous. While I don’t espouse this type of social pattern, understanding it from a different perspective helped me feel less frustrated when I was in those types of situations. Increasing my information on the subject helped change my perspective about it, and I felt less frustrated. I was the change I’d been waiting for. They weren’t going to change any time soon. See All Things Brave and Beautiful for more perspectives on changing the way you see things.
What are you waiting for?
Whatever change you’ve been waiting for, YOU can make it happen. Change yourself instead of waiting for others to change. Change your environment instead of waiting for others to do it. If you don’t know how, ask God and get moving. The world needs you. Your friends and family need you. YOU need you. Stop waiting, and be the one who makes it happen. You’ll be so glad you did.