Each of us have unwritten rules for how people in our lives should act. When they don’t follow them, it’s disappointing. One of the most powerful ways to improve a relationship is to take back responsibility for our own feelings regardless of how someone else acts. And, love them and us no matter what.
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Trust is the magic that connects us to people–it allows us to share vulnerable things and to feel close to others. Without trust we become separate entities that only interact on the surface. Trust opens us to deeper and more loving connection. Developing trust may be more simple than you think.
“I will never trust anyone again!” she announced as she slammed the door and slumped down on the floor. Not sure exactly what had prompted the outburst by her third-grade daughter, Brene Brown, a well-known author and researcher probed her daughter a bit more.
The story came tumbling out; she had told an embarrassing moment to a friend during recess. That friend had told other friends and soon everyone was giggling and whispering about her when the teacher came into the classroom. To make matters worse, because of all the talking and giggling, the teacher took marbles out of the class marble jar used to help promote good behavior.
Brene took a big breath and wiped her daughter’s tears. She set aside her desires to beat up her daughter’s friends, and tried to think how to explain trust to her daughter. With the marble jar image fresh in her mind, Brene explained that we share precious things with people who have earned the right to know them. Our trust of others is like a marble jar. Over time people gradually add marbles to the jar with little acts of trust–or lose marbles with small acts of betrayal. Marble jar friends are people who we have learned we can trust and depend on.
Then she asked her daughter, “Do you have any marble jar friends?” “Yes.” Her daughter replied. “How do you know they are marble jar friends?” Brene asked. “Because Laura gives me half a hiney-seat at lunch when there isn’t anywhere else to sit. And, Hannah because she remembered Opa and Oma’s name at the soccer game.” Brene was surprised at the simplicity of things that earned theoretical marbles of trust. Frankly, they weren’t heroic, they were small.
Inspired by this exchange, Brene Brown spent the next several years researching what creates trust. Interestingly, she confirmed exactly what her daughter had first identified; trust is built in small moments. Moments such as; remembering a birthday, smiling and saying hello in the hall, listening and empathizing instead of fixing, showing up at a funeral, remembering a family member’s name, asking follow up questions, following through on what you say you’ll do. Truly trust is built through small acts…putting marbles in the jar consistently over time.
What have the people you trust done to earn your trust?
Trust is precious. I want the people closest to me to trust me. I love the image of the marble jar as a metaphor of how to build trust. The following are things that research shows build trust and how they have played out in my life.
Humans are astute judges of other’s motives. Most of us have more than one motive for doing things. Our motives don’t have to be 100% altruistic all the time, but they need to have others’ interests at heart.
My husband prefers to do his haircuts at home to save money. Over the years I learned how he liked his hair and every few weeks I would cut it. During a period of time when I was up with my baby at night a lot and I felt in high demand during the day, cutting his hair sometimes felt like one more duty I had to perform. Of course, I loved him, and wanted to help him, but often I felt some resentment that this task meant less sleep or less time I could do something other than helping people all day. I never verbalized this to my husband, but he could tell that I was a bit put out. He knew that I was cutting his hair out of obligation and not love.
One day I came in and he was cutting his own hair. I was surprised. When I asked him why he was cutting his own hair, he explained he felt bad asking me to do his hair when it seemed like it was so stressful for me. He could tell that my motives weren’t pure. Although he was very gracious, I lost some of his trust in that exchange.
It may seem intuitive that reliability builds trust–however being reliable can be challenging. It certainly requires deliberate effort.
My kids are often slow at getting out of the house. I often have to remind them multiple times to put their shoes on, go to the bathroom, and get out in the car. I realized one day that I’m not very reliable; when I say it’s time to go, I’m still running around grabbing a diaper for my diaper bag, getting my own shoes, or running back in the house to get something I forgot. My children have learned not to trust me when I say it’s time now. I am trying to be more reliable. I have been making an effort to get myself ready first and really be ready to go when I ask them to come. Things have improved—we’re still not smooth as silk but it has improved things. When my kids know I’ll be ready when I call them, they are better at coming right away.
Sometimes the tiniest sacrifices build the most trust. Small sacrifices can add up over time to be more meaningful than big ones offered once.
My mom made small sacrifices for me growing up. I remember the budget was often tight when I was in my teen years. Like most girls I was anxious to look attractive and feel like I had stylish clothes. I remember multiple times my mom would say, “You can have the clothing budget this month.” I knew she needed new clothes as well, and was giving me the budget knowing how important it was to me. These moments added marbles to my jar.
Most people aren’t brave enough to ask for help when they really need it unless things get pretty dire. Interestingly, research shows that asking for help is one of the most powerful ways to build trust.
I will always be grateful to an amazing friend, Melinda Call, who knew how to be a marble jar friend. Shortly after my fourth baby she must have noticed the dark bags under my eyes from being up late with my newborn. She casually mentioned she’d be happy to watch my baby one morning a week so that I could have a time I could count on to nap or have time to do whatever I’d like. I was so taken back. I never would have asked someone to do that, and yet I so desperately needed it. She didn’t know that I had struggled with post-partum depression after each of my last 3 children, partially due to lack of sleep and feeling constantly needed without much of a break. My friend just observed and acted.
If you say something, own it. It’s easy to say something, and mean something else. We diminish trust when we expect others to know from our tone of voice or from our facial expression what we really mean.
One time a friend asked if I could watch her children. Normally I don’t mind watching kids owever, it was a stressful day, and I was feeling overwhelmed and worn down. Her children were lively and busy and I knew it would drain me if I took them that day. Although I wanted to help, I should have probably said no. Instead I agreed to watch her kids not wanting to disappoint my friend.
The kids were particularly difficult–drawing with permanent marker all over my daughter’s new bedspread, breaking some items in the house, and dumping every basket of toys out. I found myself resenting my friend and feeling frustrated that she would ask me to watch her children at the last minute. When she arrived to pick up the kids she asked how it went. “It was fine.” I said. But my tone of voice and face said otherwise.
As I look back, I wasn’t adding many marbles to her jar. I agreed to watch her kids and yet I blamed her for bringing difficult kids over on an inconvenient day. I didn’t own my words when I accepted the responsibility or when I gave the report on the day. My friend, I’m sure, felt mixed signals from me. It must have been confusing and frustrating for her!
Most of us know when we’ve let someone else down; we feel less lovable. One of the most powerful ways to build trust with others is to love them even when they don’t deserve it.
When stress gets to me and I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I am snappy and critical of my family. Really this isn’t fair and certainly isn’t pleasant. My husband’s response has taught me a lot about trust. Sometimes he will hug me and ask how I’m doing. Occasionally he will ask if he can take the kids while I have some personal time, or make a joke that diffuses the tension. Sometimes he simply ignores it. Loving me through my yucky times and not being critical back to me really melts my heart. It fills my jar of trust. Interestingly it makes me WANT to be more loving and kind.
It’s the little things that build trust–the way we respond when our children spill something, choosing to do something inconvenient because it’s important to someone else, forgiving small or big injustices, smiling just because, deliberately noticing ways we can help, doing what we say we’ll do, owning what we say, and really doing things out of love and not obligation that slowly add up to relationships of trust.
Begin adding marbles to their jars by doing small and simple things consistly over time.
Brene Brown tells her story about the marble jar in one of her books, Daring Greatly. She also gives an audio rendition of the story in this video called, “The Anatomy of Trust.”
https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/