Most of us break commitments we make to ourselves many times a day. While it doesn’t SEEM like it’s hurting anyone–it hurts our self-trust and confidence. There is a simple way to improve confidence.
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It seems sweet for a 2-year-old to have a blanket or stuffed animal, but we might think it was a bit strange to see a 32-year-old dragging around a teddy bear everywhere with her. In the same way—sometimes we outgrow our own stories about ourselves and others. Here is how to know when your “stories” aren’t helping you anymore.
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Most of us ask ourselves unhelpful questions frequently and we don’t realize the negative impact it has on us. Changing the type of questions we ask ourselves can improve the way we feel and help us be more successful in our lives.
Voltaire said, “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” Questions are a powerful tool you can use to change your life and the lives of others. They affect how we feel and how we act. When we ask good questions, the brain goes to work generating answers. It’s like giving the brain a puzzle and it begins looking for pieces to fit together. Even when we are not consciously focused on a question, our brain continues to work on it. When your brain has something to figure out, it begins to notice new information or connect old information to solve it.
What questions do you ask yourself on a regular basis? Do any of these sound familiar?
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I lose weight?
What is my problem?
Why can’t I keep better track of my money?
Why can’t I pull it together?
Why am I so stupid?
What if it doesn’t work out?
Most of us ask questions like these without even realizing we are doing it. When we ask negative questions like these—we answer ourselves with a list of negative answers.
One question I’ve been asking myself a lot recently is, “Why can’t I pull it together?” I often think this when I’m running late.
It feels like a helpful question—like it’s somehow going to help me actually “pull it together” and be on time. The problem is I rarely do pull it together to be on time—even though I’ve been asking that question for many years. Not only has it not helped me pull it together, I realized recently it is sabotaging my efforts to be on time.
Here’s how I know. I’ve been watching myself. When I ask myself that question, I know the underlying answers are something like, “I’m not a very good mom.” “I’m always late” “I should have been more prepared.” My negative thoughts cause me to feel discouraged, inadequate and unsure how to be better.
If we want to find a solution, we must ask the right kind of questions.
Negative questions and their answers won’t get us anywhere. In fact, they will take us farther from changing our behavior because we’ll be stuck in negative emotion.
Positive questions yield more useful answers. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I pull it together,” I’ve been trying to ask, “How can I use this moment to teach or love my kids?” or “How can I be the mom I want to be in this situation?” or “I wonder what type of preparation people who arrive on time do?”
These questions have generated much more useful answers such as: “It’s okay if the kids are a little rushed, it’s important for them to learn to be on-time.” Or “I’m going to choose to be a little late so that I can be the mom I want to be in this moment.” Or “Next time I think I’ll have the kids set out their backpack and socks the night before.” These answers leave me feeling much more optimistic and empowered to actually “pull it together.”
The quality of the question will determine the quality of the answer. We do our best work when we are creative, confidant and open minded. Asking ourselves the right questions can be a powerful tool for putting our minds in this frame.
What questions do you ask yourself regularly? In his book, Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins suggests some questions that may be useful to ask ourselves daily—or at least regularly.
*What am I happy about in my life now?
*What am I grateful for in my life now?
*What am I committed to in my life now?
*Who do I love?
Who loves me?
*What kind of mom do I want to be today?
*What feels like love in this situation?
*How can I be an example of what’s possible?
*What choice would benefit me and everyone around me?
*How can I have fun and clean at the same time?
*What can I do to feel my emotions instead of eating them today?
*What can I do to laugh a lot today?
*What can I do to make someone’s day a little better today?
Ask yourself one question every day. Consider writing the question on a sticky note in a place you’ll see it often and remind yourself to work on the answer.
If an answer requires a lot of effort or if it requires sacrificing something to make a decision, sometimes the brain will often answer, “I don’t know.” The brain likes to be efficient and it doesn’t like to work hard if it can help it. It doesn’t like to be uncomfortable or do anything painful. It will avoid it if possible. It will procrastinate doing hard things.
The problem with “I don’t know,” is that it blocks your brain from finding answers. It seems innocent and reasonable, but really it means we don’t want to do the work to find the answer, or we don’t believe we’re capable. Both of those beliefs will keep us stuck.
When your brain tries to say “I don’t know…” open your mind again by saying “I’m learning.” Or “I’m figuring it out.” Take a guess, try something out and see. Sometimes the wrong way helps us realize what the right way is.
What is one question you ask yourself regularly? Are the answers useful?
If not, consider substituting the questions you ask yourself for a more useful question. Observe the results in your life.