Make Friends With Stress: How Our Beliefs About Stress Affect Us

Most people belief stress is a villain.  After all, it can increase your risk of a heart attack, it can decrease your effectiveness in a meeting or difficult conversation, and it can reduce our enjoyment of things.  However, new research suggests that it is not stress it’s self that is the villain, but how we think about stress that causes the problem.  In fact, in many cases stress could actually be beneficial.

Our Biological Stress Response

A few weeks ago, I had to teach a group of about 50 women.  Normally I really enjoy teaching, but it had been a busy week, and I had struggled with how to present the material.   As the time got closer, my heart began to pound, sweat collected on my palms and forehead, and my mind started racing. If felt stressed!

Biologically a lot happens to the body when we feel stress.  The brain (the hypothalamus) sounds the alarm system! It says, “Help, there’s emotional danger—gather the troops!” The body releases the hormones of cortisol, adrenaline and oxytocin.  When cortisol increases the blood glucose levels it stops non-essential emergency processes like digestion, growth, and the immune response. Adrenaline is also released; it increases the heart rate, blood pressure and energy.  Our bodies are incredible the way they are able to instantly gear up to meet a threat.

These responses won’t hurt us if they only occur occasionally, but if they are felt ongoing they create a host of problems.  This is why for years health professionals have told us that stress is bad for us. However, recent research has put that theory into question.

Is Stress Really Bad For Us?

Kelly McGonigal, a Stanford Professor and Health Psychologist, reveals some fascinating new research about stress in recent study that tracked over 30,000 Americans for 8 years.  The study tracked the amount of stress they had, their belief about stress and how many of them died. For people who had a lot of stress, the study showed that there was a 43% increased risk of dying. Think about it…if you’re stressed, your risk goes up by almost half!  BUT that was only true for people who believed that stress was bad for their health. Those who didn’t believe stress was harmful for their health had no higher risk of dying!

What You Believe About Stress Matters

So, put simply you decrease your risk of death from stress by 43% just by changing your thought about stress.  Did you catch that? That is powerful. You can reduce your body’s risk of dying from stress by changing a sentence in your brain! Wow.

In her book “The Upside of Stress,” Kelly McGonigal explains why this change in our perception about stress can be so powerful.  One of the hormones released during stress is called Oxytocin. This hormone has several stress reducing properties. First it reduces cortisol–which we mentioned earlier stops digestion, immune response and growth.  Oxytocin also relaxes your blood vessels which lowers your blood pressure and it can decrease physical pain due to it’s anti-inflammatory properties.

Isn’t it incredible how the body compensates for its own self-causing damage?  When people believe that stress is NOT harmful, more oxytocin is released. 

Benefits of Stress

In a study done at Harvard, study participants were taught several benefits of stress.  Then, the patients were purposely stressed while under observation. When patients thought about their stress positively, their heart still beat fast, but their blood vessels stayed open.   Kelly McGonigal explains that this biological profile looks like what our bodies do when they feel joy or courage. She says, “When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage.”

When we stress out about stress, it IS bad for our health.  However, when we choose to make friends with stress, it actually doesn’t harm us.  The best way to make friends with stress, is just by changing our thoughts about it.   

Stress Hard Wires Us For Connection

If you need more convincing, here’s one way McGonigal says stress can actually HELP us.   Again we can thank the hormone oxytocin. In addition to the other physical responses it creates, it also has emotional benefits.  Oxytocin increases your trust, empathy and your desire to connect with others. McGonigal states, “When you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience.”   Connection is one of the most significant determinants of happiness. Stress actually gives us a biological nudge to connect.

Another study that tracked 1000 adults in the US, showed an increased 30% risk of death for each stressful event that occurred.  BUT it also showed that those who spent time serving friends, neighbors and people in their community had 0% increased chance of death from their stressful events.   Our biology is literally changed when we reach out under pressure.

Connecting During Stress

This week as I stood in front the group of women, I confessed that I was feeling really nervous.  Immediately I received kind looks of affirmation and smiles. Their smiles gave me the courage to calm my nerves enough to present the way I had hoped.

Stress is only harmful if we believe it is.  I love Kelly Gonigal’s summation of stress, “Stress gives us access to our hearts.  The compassionate heart finds joy and meaning in connecting with others.”

Make Friends With Stress

What are you stressed about right now?

  1. Remind yourself that stress is good.  It is your body’s way of gearing up to deal with something challenging.  Just by believing this, you will create biological courage to handle the situation with more grace and wisdom.  
  2. Use that courage to reach out and make a connection. Ask your neighbor how they’re doing. Give your husband a hug.  Smile at someone. You’ll do yourself and them a favor by creating more oxytocin.

Here’s a TED talk by Kelly McGonigal discussing this idea more in depth.  How to Make Stress Your Friend.

 

Hiding or Surfing: Changing Our Response to Stress

In stressful situations, our brains often go into survival mode.  We try to get through the situation with the least amount of damage possible.  Unfortunately this isn’t always the best way to approach a stressful situation. Programming how we want to handle stress ahead of time can make it much more enjoyable and much less taxing.

Nuclear Bomb Threat

Widespread panic overwhelmed the island of Oahu, HI early on a Saturday morning when this text message appeared on cell phones.  “Ballistic missle threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter.  This is not a drill.”

Immediately people made desperate attempts to find their loved ones and to seek shelter.   One woman hid in a bathroom with her children and prayed.  Some tourists were taken to concrete bunkers.  Parents stuck on the freeway worried they might never see their children again.  Given the high tensions with North Korea, and the closer proximity of Hawaii compared to the mainland US, Hawaiian residents were already on edge.  People had been told they would have about 12 minutes after a text alert before a bomb would hit.

I was particularly interested in the opposite responses of two of our friends.  One friend called her loved ones to say good-bye, and then hid under a table.  Another friend called her loved ones to say good-bye, and then went surfing.  At first it seemed a bit cavalier to head out surfing in the face of a bomb threat.  However, as I thought more about it, the idea intrigued me.  I love the image of her riding the waves instead of running around in panic.

Thankfully the text was a mistake.  There was no bomb and no obliteration, just 38 minutes of terror.  We had just moved off the island when this incident occurred, but having lived there for the last 3 years the threat felt very real to us.   If I knew I might be obliterated, what would I do with my last minutes?  I’m not suggesting anyone should actually go surfing during a bomb threat–especially if there were children to protect or concern over the nuclear blast affecting surrounding areas but I think the idea of thinking beyond the instinctual defense is an interesting one.

Choosing How to Respond

This is an intriguing metaphor for how we respond to events that happen around us.  While I have never experienced a nuclear bomb threat, I have plenty moments in which I have to make the same kind of choice about how to respond to an overwhelming circumstance.  Sometimes my reaction feels so instinctual I have to remind myself that I do have a choice about how to think and how to respond in a given situation.

Choosing to Hide

One of these moments happened the other day when my two-year-old melted down in shrieks and tears when she saw that we were having salmon for dinner instead of pizza.  By the time she was on the floor wailing and flailing, my brain was wailing and flailing too.  It was almost like a bomb of emotions went off in my brain and it was hard to think clearly.  My immediate thought was, “This is ridiculous.”  I sighed, rolled my eyes and felt irritated. When I’m irritated I rarely show up my best.  I’m more likely to yell or respond impatiently, or try to escape the drama by eating or checking my phone.  When I yell, my child feels guilt in addition to her initial emotion of disappointment. At the end of the night I feel discouraged about my mothering.  I feel stuck– essentially trapped under a theoretical table.

Choosing to Surf

Using our metaphor of surfing instead of hiding under a table—I tried to think about what type of response would help me go “surfing” instead.  I knew that my response started with the thought I chose.  I decided to flip my thought on my head.  Instead of thinking, “This is ridiculous,” I decided to think, “This is normal.  I’m so glad she’s developing as a healthy two-year-old.  If she never had opinions or expressed them, I’d be concerned!” This thought helped me feel thankful instead of irritated.  Gratitude is an open emotion that allowed me to respond with love and kindness.  I let the tantrum run it’s course, and when it was over I was able to scoop up my girl, hug her and carry on with dinner.  No drama.  No emotional “bomb shells” all over.  I was able to “surf” even amid the threat.

Go Surfing

The next time a “bomb” of emotion goes off in your head, notice what your default thought is.  If it’s one that might trap you in more negative emotions—try thinking the opposite thought.  Notice if it helps change your feeling and your result.  Surfing is a lot more fun!