Maybe you’ve realized you have a story—or a thought that isn’t helping you. Maybe it’s even hurting you. Maybe you know what you WANT to believe, but it doesn’t feel true. Here are a few ideas to help.
Continue readingHow to Believe a New Story
It’s Okay If You Don’t Want To
Last week my three-year-old daughter was in the hospital for several days. As you can probably imagine, she hated all the probing and poking by the nurses and she kept asking to go home. When the doctors finally identified the pathogen she had, my daughter started improving with an IV antibiotic treatment.
Though my daughter had started to feel better, the doctor stipulated that to return home my daughter had to show that she could continue to improve while on an oral antibiotic.
I Don’t Want To
When we tried to give my daughter the large syringe full of creamy white antibiotic, she said, “I don’t want to take the antibiotic.” She turned her head and tried to run away. It was ironic because I knew what she REALLY wanted was to go home, but it first required doing something she didn’t want to do.
I told her, “It’s okay if you don’t want to take the medicine. You don’t have to want to take it, we just have to do it.” In the end, she finally took the antibiotics. She continued to get better and thankfully we were able to return home.
It’s Okay If You Don’t Want To
It seemed so obvious that my daughter NEEDED to do what she didn’t WANT to do, but ironically, I found myself struggling with the same thing this week. I’ve needed to redesign my website for some time—it’s important for growing my business, which is what I ultimately want. But I didn’t know exactly how to do the redesign and the more I got into it and tried to deal with all the technicalities it was overwhelming. I didn’t WANT to deal with it. My brain started thinking about how I could hire it out, or if I could just keep the website I had.
You Can Do It Even If You Don’t Want To
But I told my brain the same thing I told my daughter. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. You don’t have to WANT to, you just have to DO it.” I knew that I had to do something I didn’t want to do now, so that I could get what I really wanted in the long run. So, I stuck it out. I kept trying and failing. I kept researching, googling “how-to” videos, and experimenting. I redesigned my website and I’m delighted with it.
Why the Brain Sabotages What We Really Want
Why does the brain often reject doing something we don’t want to do now, even if we know that what we ultimately want requires it? Because these desires are directed by different parts of our brain. The prefrontal cortex, or the higher brain, is where all of our logic, planning, and strategy occurs. The prefrontal cortex looks out for our long-term interests. The limbic system, or the lower brain, is the more “primal” part of our brain that tries to keep us alive—it’s primary goals are pleasure, safety, and efficiency. It keeps us from touching fire, it keeps us eating so we don’t starve, it helps us reproduce, etc. It’s looking for what feels good in the moment—because what feels good in the moment will often keep us alive.
The Higher Brain Can Supervise the Lower Brain
However, while the lower brain will keep us alive, it won’t make us happy. In order to be happy, we have to supervise the lower brain with the higher brain. Humans are the only animal that have a complex higher brain that can override the primitive part of the brain. The good news is, in humans the lower brain can’t do anything without the permission of the higher brain. That means it’s possible to not want to do something with our lower brain, and we can use our higher brain to choose to do it anyway in order to get what we really want.
The Skill of Happiness
It’s possible to not want to do something, and do it anyway. Learning this skill is the key to accomplishing your goals and becoming the person you really want to become.
How to Do It Even If When You Don’t Want To
- Remind yourself it’s your lower brain talking.
- Remind yourself that your higher brain DOES want to do it.
- Do it anyway, even if your lower brain doesn’t want to.
What Would the World Be Like Without Negative Emotion?
Most of us think of negative emotions as bad. If given the chance we’d love to avoid or eliminate negative emotions entirely! However, negative emotions can have some powerful benefits. Being aware of how negative emotions help us can create a totally different experience for us when we feel negative emotion.
A Silver Platter of Emotions
If you were offered a silver platter of emotions which ones would you choose to feel on a regular basis? My guess is you’d choose emotions like happiness, peace, love, and contentment. These feel wonderful.
Would you choose any negative emotions? Most of us wouldn’t. After all, why would we want to CHOOSE negative emotion? Negative emotion feels terrible and sometimes drives us to act in ways we aren’t proud of.
A World Without Negative Emotion
What would a world without negative emotion be like? At first it may sound appealing, but without negative emotion, there would be no positive emotion. It is the contrast of negative and positive that allows us to know the difference.
The book, “The Giver,” is a dystopian novel where the society has removed all memories of the past, and people are medicated so they feel limited negative or positive emotions. The result is that no one is heartbroken. No one is disappointed or lonely. But no one feels love, or exhilaration, or excitement either. In the cinematography of the movie, based on the book, the filming for this portion is done in black and white.
In the book, a designated individual (the Giver), is given the responsibility of being the holder of all memories and all negative and positive emotion. The young boy who is given this charge begins to feel for the first time in his life. He feels the exhilaration of a sled ride, but the devastation of war. He feels the excitement of attraction to a girl, but the horror of seeing infanticide. As he experiences the spectrum of human emotion the film slowly begins to gain color. Although the experience of feelings is overwhelming, he recognizes the value of feeling all emotions and tries to convince the community to stop numbing themselves.
Emotions—both positive AND negative are what make us human. All emotion is what allows us to truly live and grow. Trying to filter which emotions we feel is limiting our humanity—it’s like living in a black and white world when we could be living in color.
Benefits of Negative Emotions
When we embrace the rich experience of the spectrum of emotions, a whole new world opens up to us. Instead of living in fear of negative emotions, we are able to do and be so much more. Here are a few things I have found negative emotions do for me.
Negative Emotions Make The Positive Ones Meaningful
Early in my career I applied for a job with the American Heart Association. I really wanted the job and felt some anxiety and uncertainty while waiting to hear back. When I received the job offer, I felt tremendous relief and excitement. Without have first felt the anxiety–I wouldn’t have appreciated the relief and excitement.
Negative Emotions Send Us Important Messages
Our family moved from Taiwan to China this last summer. I felt tremendous sadness after moving. I started feeling bad for being so sad–and my friend, Jennie Marchant, pointed out that the sadness was an indication of the wonderful friends and meaningful experiences I had experienced there.
Negative Emotions Can Help Us Slow Down
It is often difficult to move as quickly with negative emotion. Discouragement, disappointment, fear and others slow us down. One time I received some disappointing news. I tried to continue living my life at the same pace I was accustomed, but I found my mind kept going back to my disappointment and it slowed me down in what I was doing. Because I was consumed by the negative emotion it forced me to stop and really process the news I received.
Negative Emotions Are the Currency for Accomplishing New Things
In order to accomplish anything new, we must by it’s very definition do things that are unfamiliar to us. Starting this blog has introduced some new emotions for me. One of them is confusion as I try to figure out the technical side of blog design and SEO etc. There are times I don’t want to feel confused, however as I tolerate that negative emotion it allows me to create something new and the exhilaration from that is fantastic. There is no other way to accomplish something new–except to tolerate some negative emotion.
Negative Emotions Allow Us To Do Hard Things
Being willing to do hard things means we have to tolerate some discomfort. I have noticed that my body doesn’t react well to milk. Unfortunately, I love ice cream, and cheese and sour cream. When I cut out milk products, I feel disappointment that I can’t eat them. Being willing to tolerate disappointment allows me to enjoy better health and greater energy.
Negative Emotions Allow Us to Connect To Others
It is often when we feel negative emotions that we reach out to others. Living abroad means that we are immersed in a new culture every few years. That means learning to live among new customs and languages and trying to figure out life. This has some wonderful parts, but can also be overwhelming and discouraging at times. Interestingly I have found some wonderful friends during our time living abroad. Part of what connects us–at least initially–is the shared experience of living in a foreign culture together and trying to figure it out!
Negative Emotions Are Essential for Success
Negative emotions are the currency for accomplishing our dreams and goals. In order to do something difficult, we have to be willing to be uncomfortable, or to fail or to feel stress.
Being willing to experience negative emotion allows us to do more, accomplish more, heal more and connect more. Our whole lives become bigger, and more colorful. Ironically when we choose negative emotion, our lives become more happy.
Thinking About Negative Emotion Differently
When we think about negative emotion as something that is benefiting us—suddenly the emotion doesn’t feel quite so negative. We might become willing to tolerate and even choose negative emotions on purpose because we know they bring meaning and humanness to our lives.
Choose Negative Emotions
Think about which emotions you most want to feel in your life. Would any of them be negative? If you had to choose negative emotions to feel, which ones would they be?
Sadness, Discomfort, Disappointment, Failure, Fear…
Experiment by being willing to do hard, challenging or new things that might mean you’ll feel something negative. If a negative emotion results—own it. Be willing to feel it.