Most of us assume that the way we see things, is the way they are. But have you ever disagreed with someone about what happened in a particular situation? You both KNOW you are right? There’s a scientific explanation for why different people can have a totally different idea of what the truth is! The explanation can also improve your happiness.
Magic Words
I remember when I was young, my mother would burst into singing during dinner when we forgot to use the words, “please,” and “thank you.” You might remember the song, “There are two little magic keys that will open any door with ease. One little word is ‘thanks’ and the other little word is ‘please.” I learned it as gospel truth that it is nice manners to say “thank you” when someone helps you.
When we moved to China, we employed a woman to help us with some cooking, cleaning and child care. She worked so hard, and amazed me with her efficiency. As the mom of 3 little ones I was SO thankful for her help. When she was at my home, I would often thank her for all she did. I noticed that she looked very awkward when I said “thank you.” Our communication was fairly limited since she spoke Mandarin and I spoke English so it was difficult to flesh out what was going on. At first I thought maybe my pronunciation was off and I was saying something rude unintentionally!
However, I learned later, that culturally it is rude to say thank you to someone who is close to your family. Family members and people in the inner circle of friends consider it essential to be loyal to each other. Serving each other is something that is expected. Saying thank you carries the connotation that the person is not part of your inner circle. I was floored. I had never considered that saying “thank you” could be rude! In my culture saying thank you was kind, but in China, in this context, it was not.
Is There Another Truth?
This is a fascinating principle to apply to the mind. At any one time there are multiple truths that exist at the same time. Our brain is used to seeing things in one particular way and it’s most efficient and comfortable for the brain to keep thinking about things in the same way. However, keeping an open mind to the possibility of multiple true perspectives can be powerful in feeling happier.
In his book “The Happiness Advantage,” Shawn Achor, a positive psychologist suggests that at any one moment there are multiple realities that are true and available to us about any given situation. He asserts that people who are happy often have the ability to discern multiple parallel realities, and select the most beneficial one.
There is so much information coming at us at any one time, it is impossible to synthesize all of it. The brain uses shortcuts in order to select relevant information and process it in a meaningful way. While this is essential to our survival, it also means that the “truth” we see is filtered.
These filters can be anything from our belief system, to our culture, to our anxiety to preference, to fatigue and many more things. We don’t mean to skew our reality but it is a product of being a human. The good news is, that if your reality isn’t working, there are several true realities for the same situation.
The Truth About Winter
Here is an example of how this concept increased my happiness. Although I grew up in Colorado, which is a four season climate, I don’t love winter. As winter starts approaching, it’s easy for me to start feeling sort of anxious and trapped—even edgy. The default reality that I think of related to winter is the one where my fingers feel stiff and cold, I have to bundle my kids to go out and find lost mittens, I have to scrape windshields and shovel sidewalks, and the cars slip on the roads. The landscape is monochromatic, and people hurry between their cars and their inside destinations.
However, there is an alternative reality—equally believable to me—that exists as well. There are things I do love about winter. I love a white Christmas. I enjoy skiing, sledding with my kids and playing Fox and Geese. I love their rosy cheeks from the cold as they come in after being outside. I love the excuse to put on sweaters and boots. I love drinking hot herbal teas and hot chocolate and I love winter baking. It’s nice to have an excuse to cuddle up and read or watch a show.
Both realities are true, but one will create more happiness and less feelings of resentment and isolation. Turning into a Polyanna who can’t see the truth will not be helpful. We absolutely need to recognize all the factors, but we don’t have to allow exclusively negative information we take in to form our view of reality. At any given moment in the winter I will take in lots of information–everything from cold fingers and scraping the windshield to feeling cozy and noticing my children’s rosy cheeks. As my brain chooses data to process, I can purposely choose to notice things I love and things I enjoy and spend more time thinking about those. There will still be the negative, but I don’t have to allow those details to inform the chatter in my brain or my view of life. I choose my reality by what I choose to focus on. Choosing to live in the most beneficial true reality will increase our happiness.
Live in the Best Truth
What drags you down?
If you had to write a newspaper article about that situation or person or event, what would be the title of it? Explore more than one reality about it. Could you write a different newspaper article about the same situation that was equally true and but highlighted different facts? Choose to highlight to your mind the facts and stories that bring the most happiness.