One of the emotions I find myself avoiding most is overwhelm. When the demand for our time or energy or money is greater than our capacity we feel overwhelmed. I used to think this was how every mom felt most of the day–and especially at dinner time. Then I learned some amazing tools that helped me feel calmer and happier in the midst of overwhelm.
Happy Hour
It was “happy hour” at our house, 5:00 pm. It was a far cry from the happy hour you might be imagining of colleagues gathering for a relaxing time after work. My baby had a death grip on my leg and was whining “hold you!” while I tried to sauté garlic. “Ugh, I should have cooked dinner this morning so it wouldn’t be so crazy tonight” I thought as I tripped over some magnetic letters strewn in front of the fridge. “The house is trashed, my kids never clean-up” I mumbled as I took a deep breath, picked up my baby. My older daughter looked over from the table and asked if I could help her with her math homework. I left my cutting board full of veggies and turned off my half-sautéed garlic in the pan. I sat down thinking, “I’ve got to try to be patient or she’ll have a melt down.”
We had only made it through a couple of problems when the baby pulled the table cloth and spilled the cup of water. “I hate this time of day. I don’t know if I can handle one more thing!” I thought as I stood up to get a paper towel. Comic relief arrived just in time—a pillow case monster just the size of my middle daughter came barreling down the hallway bumping walls and people to be as scary as possible! I hardly had time to smile before she knocked right into the chair and cut her toe. Of course, tears and wails followed—and not from the monster. I set the baby down to get a band aid. I felt guilty as I thought. “I know I should be more compassionate but hello, what did you think would happen when you walk around with a pillow case on your head!”
The baby started whining again, my older daughter reminded me she still needed help with math, and there was still the fountain of band aid tears…my overwhelm exploded. “Everybody just calm down! I’m just one person, I can’t help everyone at the same time.” I yelled. Everyone stopped. Their eyes were big and then my shame attack hit.
The Reason We Feel Negative Emotion
For many years, this was a familiar scenario for our family—and not just at dinner time. Overwhelm and irritation were my constant companions. And of course, discouragement was a close cousin. I didn’t know there was any other option; I thought everyone felt overwhelmed in demanding situations. My feelings just seemed like the natural result of the things going on around me. I felt exhausted and guilty a lot of the time and so frustrated I couldn’t seem to be the mom and person I wanted to be!
In the last few years, I’ve learned something very powerful. It has changed everything.
Our thoughts create our emotions. I can choose my thoughts.
This may seem like a simple concept, but it’s been around a long time. Two thousand years ago Epictedus the Greek philosopher taught, “Humans are disturbed not by things but by the view they take of them.” The Buddha taught a similar truth. “Suffering comes from thoughts not what actually happens.” The bible teaches us, “As a man thinketh, so is he.”
Three of the greatest teachers on earth taught this same principle. This truth means that we have the remote control to our own feelings. We can choose what we want to feel and create it by how we choose to think. We aren’t dependent on anything outside of us.
How to Feel Better
Let’s circle back to vignette of “happy hour” at my house as a case study about how this can help us:
- Notice your thoughts
Figure out what you are thinking in a given situation. Here’s my thought reel during this episode:
- “Ugh, I should have cooked dinner this morning so it wouldn’t be so crazy tonight” (Guilt)
- “The house is trashed, my kids never clean up” (Irritation)
- “I’ve got to try to be calm and patient during homework or my daughter will melt down.” (Overwhelm)
- “I hate this time of day. I don’t know if I can handle one more thing!” (Overwhelm)
- “I know I should be more patient, but hello, what did you think would happen when you walk around with a pillow case on!” (Guilt, Irritation)
- Notice your feelings (See parenthesis above)
Each thought we think creates a feeling. It is this feeling that drives our actions. So, it’s crucial to be aware of our thoughts and the feelings they create. - Decide how you WANT to feel.
We are in charge of how we feel. So if we want to feel differently, the first step is to deliberately decide what I did want to feel at dinner time. Clearly these thoughts weren’t serving me! I decided what I wanted to feel was peaceful and loving and confident at this time of day.
- Determine a healthier thought that will create that feeling
Knowing that events and demands would stay similar most nights (though specifics would change of course), I brainstormed thoughts that were true, but would help me feel better in the same situation. Here are some thoughts I’ve tried and afterward you’ll see the result of the emotions they created.
- “Whew! There’s a lot going on, I got this.” (Empowered)
- I’ll do what I can, and that will be enough.” (Peaceful)
- One of my favorites is, “This would make a hilarious email!” (Humor)
- A good default one for me is, “I’m so lucky to have 4 beautiful daughters” (Grateful)
- “I love that they are not vegging out in front of a video game or Netflix right now! They are confidant enough to express themselves. (Gratitude and Admiration)
- Sometimes I compare it to a thought of a much more difficult situation. What if I had to grow all my own food, and harvest it from scratch and sew all my kids clothes? I’ve got it good.
- Write down the new thought somewhere you will see it and redirect your brain to those thoughts where the situation arises.
Be Patient. It can take up to 100 times of consciously re-directing your mind to a thought in order to re-create the default pathway to that thought.
Truly Happy Hour
This is powerful stuff. If you would have told me a few years ago that 5 pm-6 pm could actually be one of the happiest hours of the day, I would not have believed it. The practice of changing my thoughts about this time of day has changed “happy hour” into an actual “happy hour!” It’s not rainbows and unicorns every night of course, but it’s certainly a lot more smooth. When I supervise my brain and deliberately substitute these types of thoughts for the other ones, I feel peaceful, empowered and loving! And, I don’t have to yell to get things done…which means I don’t feel guilty either.
We have the ability to choose our own feelings by deliberately choosing our thoughts. In other words, happiness is a skill! We don’t have to wait for anything around us to change in order to feel different.
Feel Happier
What’s a time you feel overwhelmed?
Stop and notice what thoughts you are having during this time. What feelings do they create? Replace those thoughts with thoughts that create a more helpful feeling.