Choices can be agonizing–mainly because we worry about missing out on something. This fear plagues us in many decisions we make, from the most mundane decisions to significant life choices. When we have this fear we limit our joy, no matter what choice we end up making. There’s a simple way to stop worrying about missing out and find more joy in whatever we choose: remember that “life is long.”
The Agony of Choices
This summer my girls saved up their allowance to do a little shopping. Because we live abroad, it is a particularly exciting prospect to go to the toy section of Target when we visit home. The girls had wide eyes as they wandered through the aisles of bright colors and possibilities. My older girls made their selections quickly and were ready to go.
My 6-year-old, however, agonized over what to buy. She picked up several toys, games, and dolls, and carefully studied each box. She came to me almost in tears, unable to decide which one to buy. She wanted all of them, but she didn’t have enough money, and she worried she might never be able to come back. Considering we don’t come to Target often, there was some legitimacy in her concern. However, her fear of missing out on something paralyzed her and she couldn’t make a decision.
There was a part of my “mother-heart” that wanted to loan her a little money so she could get them all, but I stopped myself. I knew this was an opportunity to learn an essential life lesson.
As human beings we constantly worry about missing out; we want to have everything, be everything, and do everything now. Our brains tell us that if we don’t do, or have, or be everything now—we won’t be able to do, have, or be it later. We paralyze ourselves by the fear of missing out on something.
I gave my daughter a hug and admired her selections but I did not offer her a loan. What I did offer her was a thought that my friend Laurel Ulrich, taught me many years ago.
Life is Long
I became friends with Laurel while I lived in Boston. Laurel is a Pulitzer Prize-winning author who wrote the book, “A Midwives Tale.” She is a renowned professor at Harvard. She had also raised 5 children and stayed at home with them for much of their lives. At the time, I felt a lot of angst about trying to balance my role as a mother and professional pursuits. One day, I asked Laurel how she balanced her professional contributions, motherhood, and selfhood. Her answer was…
“Life is long.”
I admit, at first I was a little disappointed. I had hoped she would have some magic formula that would help me balance everything I wanted to do at the same time. Instead, this seemed like sort of a trite answer you would find on a meme. But Laurel explained that we often think we have to do everything at once. Life has seasons, she said, and what we focus on can change as we move through these seasons. She emphasized that she didn’t accomplished everything all at once. She loved being home with her children for a season, and as they got older she studied for her Ph.D., which she didn’t get until she was 42. She won the Pulitzer Prize at 53 and became a professor at Harvard at 57. She still teaches at 80, and she continues to enjoy mothering her adult children.
Don’t Handicap Your Joy Now
The more I thought about her advice, “life is long,” the more I liked it. My fear that I was missing out if I didn’t do everything NOW, was preventing me from feeling joy in either mothering or my professional life. Previously, when I was home with my kids, I would wonder what I could be doing as I compared myself to colleagues and all the amazing things they were accomplishing. As I reminded myself that there would be enough time and opportunity to pursue both of my deep desires—to be a fully present mother and to contribute professionally—I began to relax and enjoy the time with my children more.
Likewise when I did do nutrition presentations or consultations I felt less guilty as I remembered I would get to mother my children throughout their life, not just until they left the house. I also reminded myself that my professional pursuits would help me be a better mother to them by helping me be more balanced. That allowed me to enjoy my work and be more effective since I spent less brain space worrying.
Attitude Matters More Than the % of Time Spent
Over the years I’ve done a variety of combinations of full-time mothering and other pursuits. Sometimes my fear of missing out creeps up on me. But I continue to remind myself that “life Is long.”
There isn’t any one “right” way to balance all the desires and demands on us. Women find a myriad of ways to navigate them with beautiful results—as well as messy ones! Different women, different situations, different stages of family and motherhood may shift the balance we choose. However feeling it all needs to happen now can create angst and rob us of the joy we are seeking in either pursuit.
Ultimately, our attitude is more important than the percentage of time we spend in any particular pursuit. Knowing life is long can help us be satisfied now. Joy in the now means exponentially more fulfillment in anything we do.
The Word “Eventually” Can Be Powerful
I didn’t bore my daughter with all this in the Target aisle, but I did share the essence of the wisdom Laurel Ulrich shared with me many years ago. “You don’t have enough money to get them all now,” I said, “but you’ll have other chances to come back. As you earn more money, we can come again to the store, or even look online. If you really want all of these toys, you can earn them eventually. Just choose the one you would like to get most now.”
This seemed to be a relief to her. It allowed her to make a selection without so much angst of feeling like she was missing out.
When you start to feel like you are missing out and you notice it is diminishing your joy, remember…life is long.
Be Confident You Can Do It All…Eventually
What do you worry you are missing out on? Do you struggle to find the balance between personal or professional development and mothering?
Write a list of all the things you desire to be and do. It is possible to do many of the things you’d love to do, but maybe not all at once. Not doing it now, doesn’t mean you are missing out. What would be most worthwhile to pursue NOW, and what could be some things to pursue eventually?