Emotions Are Contagious

Just as we can be infected by a sick person passing along their germs to us, our bodies have a built-in mechanism for “catching” emotions from others.  Without even realizing it, we pass along and receive emotions many times a day.  This has a significant effect on how we feel and on the emotional environment we create around us.  If we aren’t aware of the emotions we are giving off and receiving, these emotions can sabotage our moods, relationships, and our success.   

Emotions are Contagious

Do any of these experiences sound familiar: Have you ever winced when you saw someone stub her toe?  Have you ever yelled at your children to stop yelling, only to realize the irony that you just did the thing you asked them not to?  Have you ever been having a great day that turned sour because your children came home from school and started fighting and complaining?  Have you ever given your spouse the silent treatment because he was giving it to you?  Have you ever noticed someone who looked skeptically at you and later softened when you smiled at them?

Emotions are contagious.  Our brains are wired to mirror the emotions of people around us.  Check out this interesting demonstration of contagious emotions in a YouTube Video of a man laughing on the Metro and people around him starting to laugh until almost everyone is laughing.

Mirror Neurons

Obviously, we don’t “catch” emotions in the same way we catch disease.  However, there is a scientific explanation for the contagion of human emotion. The American Psychological Association describes this phenomenon as something called “mirror neurons.”   Essentially, mirror neurons are the brain’s ability to feel what someone else is feeling.

A group of researchers studied the neural reactions of some monkeys when they bit into a treat and other monkeys as they watched their companions eat the treat.  The pre-motor cortex of the monkey eating the treat responded in the same way as the pre-motor cortex of the monkey who only watched the other monkey bite into the treat.  Researchers were later able to find similar reactions in the human brain.  In other words—when we see others experience something, our brains have a similar reaction.  Literally, the same areas of the brain are affected when we watch someone experience something as when we experience it ourselves.

The Upside of Mirror Neurons

Mirror neurons serve a crucial purpose in connecting us to others.  They help us learn in our early development.  As infants, we observe how our parents and caregivers respond and feel about things, and we pattern our actions after theirs.  We’ve all seen mirror neurons in action as we watch a baby learn to smile.  These neurons help us determine what is safe and good around us.

These neurons also give us the ability to feel empathy.  When we see or hear about someone experiencing something, we are able to actually feel (or imagine) the same biological stimuli they do.  For example, when we see someone bump their head, we might wince.  Mirror neurons let us feel what we think the other person might be feeling.  This allows us to act with compassion or concern.  In the same way, these neurons can help us feel excitement for someone else.  We all love watching a romantic movie or seeing someone we know fall in love.  Our brains experience a portion of that same feeling.  This mirroring of emotion allows us to be excited for and supportive of people. The ability to mirror others’ emotions is at the crux of helping us connect with others.


The Downside of Mirror Neurons

The downside of mirror neurons is that we sometimes unwittingly become susceptible to the emotions of others.  When others are frustrated, angry or impatient, we may find that we have the same experience.  Several years ago, researchers studied mirror neurons in public settings. They watched the impact of one person at a metro stop who was visibly impatient—sighing, looking at his watch, and rolling his eyes.  The study showed that others around him became impatient as well.  In contrast, in the absence of someone who was visibly impatient, others at the metro stop did not become as impatient.  If we are not aware of our brain’s unconscious mirroring of emotion, we can easily be swept up into the drama of other’s emotions.

How To Avoid Mirroring Negative Emotion

Simply knowing that negative emotions can be contagious can give us leverage as we choose not to mirror back negative feelings.  Below is an example of how choosing not to mirror back emotions has helped our family during “morning mayhem”:

Getting out the door in the morning sometimes feels like a race.  From the minute the alarm clock rings, we rush around trying to get ready and eat breakfast in order to get to the bus in time.  My kids would much rather play and take their time—they don’t like rushing.

I’m constantly nagging and reminding my kids to “hurry.”  They are irritated that they “have” to do something and they are bothered that they have to do it quickly.  Without realizing what I am doing, I often mirror back their emotions.  I’m irritated that they aren’t hurrying.  We get caught in a yucky collusion of my nagging and reminding them to hurry, and they show their irritation by being grumpy, talking back, and moving slowly.

Using the same principle of mirror neurons, I decided to try a different approach.  I figured my kids would probably get ready more quickly if I was calm and supportive.  At the very least, I hoped a calmer environment would help us start the day and get out the door on a happier, more positive note.  I got up and reminded myself I wanted to set a calm tone—I woke my kids up by rubbing their backs and talking gently.  I smiled at them and handed them their clothes.  During breakfast, I put on calm music, I used a calm voice, and I tried not to nag.  My kids reflected calmness back to me.  I noticed a lot less talking back, frustration, and distraction.

We didn’t beat any Olympic time records, but we did make it out the door in decent time and everyone was so much happier starting the day.  I was floored at the power of mirror neurons to change how I felt and my kids felt.

Avoiding mirroring negative emotions first requires that we become aware of our capacity to both receive emotional cues from others and give them out ourselves.  Second, we must make a conscious decision to choose the emotion we want to feel instead of simply responding to emotions around us.

Mirror Neurons and Difficult Conversations

Almost everyone cares at least a little about what others think of them, and we often predict what others might think about what we do or say.  We might assume others won’t like something—or that they will.  Interestingly, we often make our assumptions true by the way we present something.  We read other’s feelings (or project the way they will respond) through our mirror neurons and mirror back that emotion.

Instead of being reactive to the way other’s may feel, we can determine how WE feel.  When we genuinely express our own feelings, others will often mirror back the same emotion.  This can be particularly powerful in difficult conversations.

I completed a Nutrition and Dietetics degree at small women’s college in Boston.  I enjoyed my time there and found some wonderful professor-mentors. Many of them encouraged me and my fellow students to pursue challenging career paths and to seek out positions of leadership in our field.  I had many of these opportunities available to me.

Near the end of my degree program, my husband and I decided to have a baby.  I became pregnant and we were thrilled!  I planned to complete my program, but I decided to complete it at a slower rate and I knew it might change some of my career choices afterward.  I was worried about how my choice to have a baby would be received by my professors.  I was afraid they would be disappointed, and view my baby as a road block to my success.  All summer I stewed about how I would tell them about their pregnancy, worrying about their reaction.  I felt awkward telling them, and my first inclination was to approach it awkwardly.

When the time came to tell my professors, though, I decided to exude my genuine emotion, which was excitement!  I shared my exciting news and told my professors how thrilled I was!  I was curious about their reaction and I was delighted to see that they responded with excitement and support for me!

In fact, they were so generous—they allowed me to take time off for the delivery, told me that I could bring the baby to class, and supported me in several research projects, including my thesis on pregnancy-related diet issues.  I have always wondered how they would have responded had I gone in feeling uncomfortable and awkward about telling them—I wonder if they might have responded with discomfort and awkwardness about it as well.  I don’t know, but I learned a powerful lesson about emotions.

People often mirror our emotions back to us.  It’s counterproductive to anticipate their response and come to them with that emotion, because we simply create the result we feared.  Making a deliberate choice to be authentic in our feelings may or may not result in a positive response from the person we’re talking to.  However, being authentic brings us personal peace.  As we learn to care less about what others think, being authentic becomes easier.  Check out my article about getting over people pleasing.

The Emotions We Express Matter

The emotions we exude to others matter. We play a pivotal role in co-creating the emotional environment we live in with others.  Being deliberate about our emotions, instead of simply mirroring back the emotions of others, gives us more control, more peace, and more satisfaction.

Act Emotionally, Don’t React Emotionally

What is the dominant emotion you feel when getting ready in the morning?  What emotions do you feel most often when you are with your spouse, your children, or your friends?  What emotions from others are you mirroring?

1.   Be aware of others’ emotions and how you might be mirroring their emotions.
2.  Choose what emotion you want to feel and project that emotion for others to mirror.


Sources
Scientific American.  “What’s So Special About Mirror Neurons?” Ben Thomas, Nov. 6, 2012.
Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews.  “Connecting Minds and Sharing Emotions through Mimicry:  A Neurocognitive Model of Emotional Contagion.”  Eliska Prochazkova, Mariska A Kret.  Vol. 80, September 2017, Pages 99-114.
Mind Spring. “The Connection Between Mirror Neurons and Workplace Success.” April 5, 2018.

How To Not Fear Fear: Metabolizing Emotions

We spend a lot of our time as human beings trying to escape or ignore or change these types of feelings. Why?  Because they feel awful!  No one likes feeling fear, or feeling stressed, overwhelmed, afraid, embarrassed, or depressed.  The problem is that when we avoid negative emotions they stay around longer, get more intense and rarely address the takes up lots of brain space!  There is a better way to handle difficult emotions.

Negative Emotions Are Essential

Our brains and bodies are programmed with these feelings to move us to action.  If a truck is headed straight for us, we feel fear.  And, our fear drives us to move out of the way. If we have too many things required of us, we feel overwhelm.  This feeling drives us to eliminate the unessential.

However, in our modern world, it’s easy to feel that we SHOULD feel happy or peaceful all the time. We think if we feel something negative, we should fix it.  We have so many easy options for escape!

Avoiding Negative Emotions

When our to-do list feels too long, we can turn on Netflix and get lost in a show instead.  When dinner our is crazy, we eat a cookie on the counter to dull the overwhelm and get a hit of joy—even temporarily.  After a difficult conversation that didn’t go well, we can drown our guilt and disappointment by pushing a few buttons on Amazon and a box shows up on our door with a new pair of shoes.

Everyone has different emotions they try to avoid, and there are myriad methods of avoiding them; eating, shopping, TV, staying busy, anger, withdrawing, sleeping, alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, working etc.  When we avoid emotions, we never process them.  They continue to cause us problems.  And, the things we do to avoid negative emotions cause us trouble sometimes too.

The Problem with Avoiding Negative Emotions

There are 3 problems with trying to escape emotions:

  1. The things we do to escape difficult emotions sometimes have negative consequences.

    Here is an example:  There was a time in my life when I felt so overwhelmed and discouraged I listened to audiobooks all the time—especially at dinner time and crazy times in the car.  It seemed like a benign enough escape.  I knew it wasn’t ideal for my family but I wasn’t sure how else to deal with the chaos without becoming a person I didn’t like. I checked out.  While it saved my kids a lot of yelling, my escape also robbed me of precious time and interactions with my kids.

  2. When we don’t deal with an emotion, it sticks around and continues to resurface

    Emotions are simply chemicals in our body. Their job is to alert us of something important and move us to action if  necessary.  If they are not allowed to complete their job, they continue to resurface. Sometimes the emotion itself rises up again and again and other times it shows up in different ways.
    It’s sort of like those windup music boxes where you turn the crank and the ballerina dances to music.  If you keep the box open, eventually she will stop.  But, if you shut the box, she stops.  However, every time the box is opened she dances and the music plays. It may take many times of opening and closing to finish the cycle.  That is how our emotions work too.
    I had a baby just a few weeks after my mother passed away.  I wanted to grieve my mother’s loss—she was a tremendous presence in my life.  However, I was busy around the clock taking care of a newborn, an emotional toddler, and a needy pre-schooler.  We were in the middle of an international move and I didn’t know how to grieve in the midst of the insanity!  So I just closed the metaphorical music box (unconsciously of course) and kept trying to survive.

    Over the next few years however, when strong emotions surfaced, my grief was often right there.  Our move to a foreign country was overwhelming and difficult and I found myself sobbing nightly.  (I had moved to other countries before and been fine.  But this time I was totally lost.)  I thought it was the move itself—but looking back I see it was that grief resurfacing.  My grief resurfaced again and again as difficult things emerged in my life.  The ballerina had to play her part.

  3. It takes so much work to keep the negative emotions away we don’t have as much space in our minds for the things we really want to do!

    Recently I was trying to concentrate on something and my daughter was whistling.  It was really grating on me.  I tried to ignore it, but the harder I tried to not be bothered by it, the more intense the irritation began to be. In fact, it was requiring so much effort to “ignore” it, I hardly had any brain space left for the work I was doing.   This happens with emotions too—when we are angry at someone or irritated and we keep trying to push it down, it often consumes us even when we don’t realize it.

There is a better way to deal with emotions.

Allow Your Emotion

Most people think that if they allow their emotion they will end up doing something they don’t want to do—like yell at their kids, or eat too many cookies, or sleep until 10 in the morning. However, allowing a feeling is different than acting on it.  Allowing a feeling just means that we feel it, we notice it, we don’t avoid it.  It doesn’t mean we act on it.  In fact, allowing an emotion actually allows the emotion to dissipate, so we are less likely to re-act to it.

Emotions are just chemicals in our body.  When we feel them, they are simply moving around inside of us.  The emotion itself won’t hurt us.  This is a powerful piece of knowledge.  When you know that you can handle any emotion, you stop feeling afraid of certain emotions and you don’t have to spend as much time avoiding negative emotions.

Our bodies need food to survive.  When we eat food, the body metabolizes it–breaks it down, absorbs it and sends it out to the body for fuel.  Similarly, emotions are essential to our survival. They provide the necessary impetus to eat, live, reproduce, find purpose and even get out of bed in the morning. When our body encounters an emotion, it’s crucial to metabolize it just as it would food.  It’s important for the emotion to be allowed to run it’s course, be identified and serve as fuel for the appropriate action.

How to Metabolize an Emotion

Become an observer of yourself.  When you notice yourself feeling a negative emotion like fear, stress, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, shame etc. don’t shove it down or numb it away by distracting yourself.  Instead, close your eyes and “watch” the emotion in your body for a minute.

It seems like just when I start to chat with another adult one of my girls decides they need something.  They are often pulling on my arm or nagging, “mom, mom, mom, mom….can we go?”. My two-year old often just lays down and howls.  Even after I’ve let them know we will be leaving in 5 min. they continue to pester me.  I often feel irritated!  Here’s how I process this emotion.

  1. Name the emotion

    I say to myself “This is irritation.”

  2. Describe what it feels like.

    Imagine that you were going to describe to someone what it feels like to feel a particular emotion.  You’d describe where you felt it in the body, what the sensation was like, what color it was, if it was hot or cold etc.I say, “I’m feeling really irritated right now. I feel tension in my eyebrows, my lower jaw feels tingly, and my lungs feel a little short of air.  To me irritation is a warm emotion—I picture it as orange goop sort of slowly building up in my lungs.

  3. Allow it to hang out.

    Remember it is just a chemical in your body, it can’t hurt you!  Many people worry that if you allow emotion to hang out, it will cause you to act on it. Don’t act on it (acting is an escape too.)  Just feel it.

    I say to myself.  “This is fine.  This is just irritation.  I can just be a person who is irritated.  I’m going to calmly continue my conversation, and it’s okay if my kids fall apart for a few minutes.  I don’t have to get angry at them.  Each time I just observe my irritation and don’t act on it, it becomes less intense.”

  4. Continue to allow it until it dissipates

    Of course my brain wants to sell me all sorts of ideas. “My kids are so disrespectful.” “They know better.” “Uh, this always happens.”  The more these ideas creep in, the more irritated I feel.  I just try to go back to noticing the emotion.  At first it seems to become the most important thing in that moment!  I can hardly think of anything else.  However, the more I allow it (and refuse to act on the emotion) it gets less and less intense.  It slowly starts to go away.    Soon I’ve forgotten all about it.

  5. Allow the emotion each time it re-surfaces.

    And it will!  But each time it comes back, it will be less and less intense.

    By this time, I’m likely walking to the car since I had told my kids it would only be five minutes.  However once everyone is back in the car, my brain loves to remind me of the irritating moment we just had.  When the thoughts start again, the emotion starts again.  Back to step 1.  But each time I allow the feeling until it dissipates.

Our emotions are just chemicals in our body.  They won’t hurt us and there’s nothing to fear.  If we try to ignore them or escape them we end up with a lot more trouble than the original emotion created in the first place.  Simply acknowledging and being willing to feel the emotion, allows it to pass.  What would your life be like if you weren’t afraid of feeling any emotion?

How do you handle negative emotion in your life?

What negative feelings do you fear most?
What do you do to avoid them?

Next time you notice a negative emotion try these steps:
1.  Name the emotion
2.  Describe it
3.  Allow it to hang out
4.  Continue till it dissipates
5.  Allow the emotion to hang out each time it re-surfaces