Sometimes we think people-pleasing is kind or it will strengthen our relationship because it will avoid hurt feelings, but it never does. People pleasing is lying. Happiness and the truth always go together–even when it’s awkward.
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Difficult conversations don’t have to be difficult. We all encounter situations that need to be addressed or talked through; these moments can either separate us more from others or draw us closer together. Knowing how to manage your brain as you approach a difficult conversation can turn the experience into a “connecting” conversation.
For most of my life I’ve tried to avoid difficult conversations unless they were ABSOLUTELY necessary. When an occasional issue arose, it often seemed easier to continue to endure the imperfect circumstances rather than deal with the conflict and drama of actually addressing my concerns with others. It’s true that by not addressing tough issues I had a lot less conflict with others—at least externally. However, the lingering resentment, frustration, and annoyance I felt still drove wedges into my relationships.
As I’ve become more emotionally healthy, I’ve had more courage and emotional capital to work on resolving challenges with others. As I have, I’ve learned something fascinating. Difficult conversations don’t have to push you farther away from others—they can actually draw you closer together.
Recently someone said something that really hurt me. I don’t get offended very easily, but this exchange really stabbed. I knew this person didn’t intend to hurt me, and I tried to brush it off. But it continued to bother me and I found myself carrying around resentment and frustration.
In the past, I often avoided confrontation over something like this—it felt way too hard and seemed unnecessary. I told myself “I just need to get over it.” However, the more I tried to ignore it, the more my resentment and irritation grew. I really cared about this person and I could see that this was driving a wedge between us. I felt defensive around this person and I wanted to feel close to them again. I knew it would require a difficult conversation.
According to Life Coach Jody Moore in her e-book “Difficult Conversations,” there are six steps to being successful at a difficult conversation. I will share the six steps she suggests below, and how I applied her wisdom in this challenging situation.
The best way to decide if you are ready to have a difficult conversation is to determine what your motive is. Your motive will make or break your success.
Ask yourself, “Why do you want to have this conversation?” If you are hoping the other person will apologize or change, they may not and you may be disappointed. We don’t have any control over others and hanging our happiness on others’ behavior often results in frustration. What’s worse is that others can sense our motives. If they feel they are trying to be manipulated or controlled, most people resist. Both parties often end up feeling worse.
If these aren’t motives that are likely to be successful in a difficult conversation, what motives are?
You know you’re ready to have the difficult conversation when your motive is love. You sincerely want to feel closer to the other person and withholding the truth is separating you by lack of understanding on either side, or by causing resentment. Growing up, my mom used this line before a difficult conversation, “I want to tell you something in a spirit of love.” It worked.
Thoughts that are motivated by love can include: I want to clarify something; I want to provide information; I want to increase connection; I want to make a request of someone or clarify a boundary.
In my difficult conversation I referred to above, I initially DID want an apology. I hoped they never said it again. I let myself feel hurt for a while. But I didn’t stay there very long because self-pity gets sticky very quickly. As the pain subsided, I really did want to feel love again toward this person. I wanted to feel close to them again. I wanted to be an emotional adult and provide them information about how this exchange impacted me.
Once you get your motive to some version of love, it’s time to define success. The result of your conversation should be about what the person YOU want to be in your relationship and how YOU want to feel.
Jody Moore writes, “Make sure that the result you choose is something 100% in your control. The way the other person reacts is not in your control. How they feel or what they say is not in your control. Whether or not they start acting differently in the future is not in your control. What IS in your control is how YOU feel, think and behave.”
In my experience, I knew that the other person might not apologize and might even be defensive. I knew they might not change or meet my request. I decided that for me, success was to own MY part of the issue. I would share the facts about the exchange and how it had impacted me. I would do it in a spirit of love. I would be curious about this person and what they were thinking and feeling. I would explain what would be helpful in the future. Regardless of their response or behavior, I would feel successful if I fulfilled my part of the conversation in love.
What you say or do won’t matter as much as how you feel. Your feelings will impact everything else.
Because the person will likely mirror YOUR emotions, it’s important to get your feelings about yourself and the thing you want to say to a place of confidence (not conceit, just confidence). Thoughts like these might help: “I really want to feel closer to this person.” “This is hard, but I can do it.” “I’m prepared, this will turn out well.” “I can do this well enough—it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be honest and loving.”
It’s important to be aware of how you are feeling about the other person as well. People are astute observers of others’ motives and feelings. It’s hard to communicate love when we are angry or irritated. A great substitute for feelings of irritation or anger is feelings of curiosity or compassion. Here are some examples: “They are doing their best, even if their best doesn’t seem very good.” “I wonder what it’s like to be them?” “Maybe they are feeling fear/discouragement etc.—I know what that’s like. It’s awful.”
As I thought about the difficult conversation I was preparing for, I admit that I was nervous. I knew this person didn’t have a particularly great track record for calm responses. I cared about this person and didn’t want to sabotage the relationship. But I told myself, “I can do this. This is the type of person I want to be.” These thoughts helped me feel more confident.
Then I decided to believe that the other person didn’t realize they were hurting me and certainly weren’t intending to. I decided they must have been feeling tired and irritable when they made the comments. It’s hard to do your best when you don’t feel good. I even thought, “I wonder what they meant by this comment?” These thoughts got me to a place of compassion and curiosity.
It’s good to know what you’ll say, particularly when you’re doing something uncomfortable. If you plan ahead before a stressful situation, when your brain tries to retreat to it’s “primitive place,” your plan can take over. Here’s the basic structure Jody suggests for a difficult conversations:
1. Cushion—Sets tone…may be challenging for them and also for me.
2. Stick to facts (Don’t add in opinions and assumptions). Be specific.
3. Be curious about the other person. (If you can’t get to curious, try confused. It’s better than offended.)
I decided I would say something like this:
“I wanted to share something with you because I really value our relationship. I’m feeling a little nervous to tell you, but it’s important to me that you know. When you said _________, it really hurt me. I can imagine you didn’t even realize it would be hurtful, but I wanted to let you know. Tell me your thoughts.”
After their response, I planned to say something like, “It would help if in the future you wouldn’t say ______________. I’d love to know your thoughts.”
My mother was a believer in practicing what you would say before you said it. She used to help me write out a script for calling people about Girl Scout cookie delivery or calling an adult back about a babysitting job. Before I gave a talk in church, she would get out the feather duster and use it as a mock microphone. My mom would stuff it between the cushions of the couch and have us practice what we would say. As much as we grumbled about it, it really worked. Practicing really gives you more confidence and it helps flush out rough areas.
Write out your difficult conversation or practice it with a friend—even the mirror is a great listener!
I practiced my difficult conversation a few times in my mind. Then my husband graciously listened to what I planned to say. I didn’t use the feather duster, but saying it to someone else helped me practice while still being a little nervous. He’s particularly astute at catching anything that might trigger offense and helped me tweak my plan a little.
Give the person a heads up that you’d like to talk. Sometimes taking someone off guard can really cause the conversation to go south quickly.
I asked the person if it would work to talk to them. They agreed. My heart was beating fast, but I felt confident because I was feeling love for the person and because I knew what I wanted to say. I shared my short, practiced script.
There was some awkwardness. At first the person was a bit defensive. I didn’t try to defend back. I actually agreed with their points, which were legitimate. This really softened them and they apologized right away. They confirmed that they had no idea they had hurt me and said they would be more careful next time. We chatted a bit more and I understood where they were coming from when they said the comment. We parted on a positive note.
I felt so relieved. I understood this person better and I felt no more resentment or irritation. I had worried that things would be awkward, but I was surprised. Not only was our interaction NOT awkward, I felt our relationship was much better after our interaction. I felt closer to this person and they felt closer to me.
Difficult conversations can connect us if we lead with love and with logic instead of leading with angry emotions and blame.
Consider following the 6 steps of a successful difficult conversation so that you can feel closer to the person you love!
Just as we can be infected by a sick person passing along their germs to us, our bodies have a built-in mechanism for “catching” emotions from others. Without even realizing it, we pass along and receive emotions many times a day. This has a significant effect on how we feel and on the emotional environment we create around us. If we aren’t aware of the emotions we are giving off and receiving, these emotions can sabotage our moods, relationships, and our success.
Do any of these experiences sound familiar: Have you ever winced when you saw someone stub her toe? Have you ever yelled at your children to stop yelling, only to realize the irony that you just did the thing you asked them not to? Have you ever been having a great day that turned sour because your children came home from school and started fighting and complaining? Have you ever given your spouse the silent treatment because he was giving it to you? Have you ever noticed someone who looked skeptically at you and later softened when you smiled at them?
Emotions are contagious. Our brains are wired to mirror the emotions of people around us. Check out this interesting demonstration of contagious emotions in a YouTube Video of a man laughing on the Metro and people around him starting to laugh until almost everyone is laughing.
Obviously, we don’t “catch” emotions in the same way we catch disease. However, there is a scientific explanation for the contagion of human emotion. The American Psychological Association describes this phenomenon as something called “mirror neurons.” Essentially, mirror neurons are the brain’s ability to feel what someone else is feeling.
A group of researchers studied the neural reactions of some monkeys when they bit into a treat and other monkeys as they watched their companions eat the treat. The pre-motor cortex of the monkey eating the treat responded in the same way as the pre-motor cortex of the monkey who only watched the other monkey bite into the treat. Researchers were later able to find similar reactions in the human brain. In other words—when we see others experience something, our brains have a similar reaction. Literally, the same areas of the brain are affected when we watch someone experience something as when we experience it ourselves.
Mirror neurons serve a crucial purpose in connecting us to others. They help us learn in our early development. As infants, we observe how our parents and caregivers respond and feel about things, and we pattern our actions after theirs. We’ve all seen mirror neurons in action as we watch a baby learn to smile. These neurons help us determine what is safe and good around us.
These neurons also give us the ability to feel empathy. When we see or hear about someone experiencing something, we are able to actually feel (or imagine) the same biological stimuli they do. For example, when we see someone bump their head, we might wince. Mirror neurons let us feel what we think the other person might be feeling. This allows us to act with compassion or concern. In the same way, these neurons can help us feel excitement for someone else. We all love watching a romantic movie or seeing someone we know fall in love. Our brains experience a portion of that same feeling. This mirroring of emotion allows us to be excited for and supportive of people. The ability to mirror others’ emotions is at the crux of helping us connect with others.
The downside of mirror neurons is that we sometimes unwittingly become susceptible to the emotions of others. When others are frustrated, angry or impatient, we may find that we have the same experience. Several years ago, researchers studied mirror neurons in public settings. They watched the impact of one person at a metro stop who was visibly impatient—sighing, looking at his watch, and rolling his eyes. The study showed that others around him became impatient as well. In contrast, in the absence of someone who was visibly impatient, others at the metro stop did not become as impatient. If we are not aware of our brain’s unconscious mirroring of emotion, we can easily be swept up into the drama of other’s emotions.
Simply knowing that negative emotions can be contagious can give us leverage as we choose not to mirror back negative feelings. Below is an example of how choosing not to mirror back emotions has helped our family during “morning mayhem”:
Getting out the door in the morning sometimes feels like a race. From the minute the alarm clock rings, we rush around trying to get ready and eat breakfast in order to get to the bus in time. My kids would much rather play and take their time—they don’t like rushing.
I’m constantly nagging and reminding my kids to “hurry.” They are irritated that they “have” to do something and they are bothered that they have to do it quickly. Without realizing what I am doing, I often mirror back their emotions. I’m irritated that they aren’t hurrying. We get caught in a yucky collusion of my nagging and reminding them to hurry, and they show their irritation by being grumpy, talking back, and moving slowly.
Using the same principle of mirror neurons, I decided to try a different approach. I figured my kids would probably get ready more quickly if I was calm and supportive. At the very least, I hoped a calmer environment would help us start the day and get out the door on a happier, more positive note. I got up and reminded myself I wanted to set a calm tone—I woke my kids up by rubbing their backs and talking gently. I smiled at them and handed them their clothes. During breakfast, I put on calm music, I used a calm voice, and I tried not to nag. My kids reflected calmness back to me. I noticed a lot less talking back, frustration, and distraction.
We didn’t beat any Olympic time records, but we did make it out the door in decent time and everyone was so much happier starting the day. I was floored at the power of mirror neurons to change how I felt and my kids felt.
Avoiding mirroring negative emotions first requires that we become aware of our capacity to both receive emotional cues from others and give them out ourselves. Second, we must make a conscious decision to choose the emotion we want to feel instead of simply responding to emotions around us.
Almost everyone cares at least a little about what others think of them, and we often predict what others might think about what we do or say. We might assume others won’t like something—or that they will. Interestingly, we often make our assumptions true by the way we present something. We read other’s feelings (or project the way they will respond) through our mirror neurons and mirror back that emotion.
Instead of being reactive to the way other’s may feel, we can determine how WE feel. When we genuinely express our own feelings, others will often mirror back the same emotion. This can be particularly powerful in difficult conversations.
I completed a Nutrition and Dietetics degree at small women’s college in Boston. I enjoyed my time there and found some wonderful professor-mentors. Many of them encouraged me and my fellow students to pursue challenging career paths and to seek out positions of leadership in our field. I had many of these opportunities available to me.
Near the end of my degree program, my husband and I decided to have a baby. I became pregnant and we were thrilled! I planned to complete my program, but I decided to complete it at a slower rate and I knew it might change some of my career choices afterward. I was worried about how my choice to have a baby would be received by my professors. I was afraid they would be disappointed, and view my baby as a road block to my success. All summer I stewed about how I would tell them about their pregnancy, worrying about their reaction. I felt awkward telling them, and my first inclination was to approach it awkwardly.
When the time came to tell my professors, though, I decided to exude my genuine emotion, which was excitement! I shared my exciting news and told my professors how thrilled I was! I was curious about their reaction and I was delighted to see that they responded with excitement and support for me!
In fact, they were so generous—they allowed me to take time off for the delivery, told me that I could bring the baby to class, and supported me in several research projects, including my thesis on pregnancy-related diet issues. I have always wondered how they would have responded had I gone in feeling uncomfortable and awkward about telling them—I wonder if they might have responded with discomfort and awkwardness about it as well. I don’t know, but I learned a powerful lesson about emotions.
People often mirror our emotions back to us. It’s counterproductive to anticipate their response and come to them with that emotion, because we simply create the result we feared. Making a deliberate choice to be authentic in our feelings may or may not result in a positive response from the person we’re talking to. However, being authentic brings us personal peace. As we learn to care less about what others think, being authentic becomes easier. Check out my article about getting over people pleasing.
The emotions we exude to others matter. We play a pivotal role in co-creating the emotional environment we live in with others. Being deliberate about our emotions, instead of simply mirroring back the emotions of others, gives us more control, more peace, and more satisfaction.
What is the dominant emotion you feel when getting ready in the morning? What emotions do you feel most often when you are with your spouse, your children, or your friends? What emotions from others are you mirroring?
1. Be aware of others’ emotions and how you might be mirroring their emotions.
2. Choose what emotion you want to feel and project that emotion for others to mirror.
Sources
Scientific American. “What’s So Special About Mirror Neurons?” Ben Thomas, Nov. 6, 2012.
Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews. “Connecting Minds and Sharing Emotions through Mimicry: A Neurocognitive Model of Emotional Contagion.” Eliska Prochazkova, Mariska A Kret. Vol. 80, September 2017, Pages 99-114.
Mind Spring. “The Connection Between Mirror Neurons and Workplace Success.” April 5, 2018.