Sculpting the Future
I love the statue “Man Carving His Own Destiny,” by the Czech-American sculptor Albin Polasek. Polasek was an immigrant to the United States and created this sculpture as an autobiographical work depicting his own journey and struggle as he created his own destiny as an immigrant, an artist, and a human. Shortly after finishing this work, Polasek lost the use of his left side due to paralysis. But he continued to shape his destiny even after this setback. Polasek married for the first time in his 70s and continued to produce more works of art by having someone help to brace the material while he carved. I love the image of Polasek literally carving out his own destiny, despite his substantial setbacks.
Man must carve himself from the rock that he is made of,
which is the very same rock in which he is bound. –S. Balthazar
Stuck in the Stone
Most of us have things we feel bound by—it may be a difficult relationship where we feel trapped by the behavior of someone else. It might be a physical issue, or mental illness, divorce, or lack of financial means. It may be limited time or ability. It may be trauma from our past or a regret we have. These things can feel like they literally trap us—it can feel like we are stuck in stone. Most of us wish we could just be rid of these things. We feel like they are preventing us from being our best selves.
But what if the process of chipping away at that rock around us and sculpting ourselves IS the very thing that forms us into who we need to be? If we never engage in the process of dealing with these obstacles and challenges, if we never engage in the process of sculpting, we may simply end up as a slab of plain rock.
Sculpting My Life
As I look back on my life and think about the things that have helped form the way I look at the world, that have determined the things that matter most to me, and that have shaped me into who I am today, I have to acknowledge that they are the hard things in my life. At the time I went through the major challenges in my life, I would have loved to avoid them or have them disappear. The challenges felt like they were paralyzing me, and they were painful to move through. Some of these things have included moving many times, losing my mom to cancer, struggling with depression, having children who struggled, personal health issues etc.
But I’ve realized that it was the process of sculpting through these “rocks” that has formed me into be the person I am today. I wouldn’t give back any of those challenges now, even knowing how hard they were, because I recognize the shaping influence they had on my life.
I want to share just one of the challenges that have sculpted me into what I am now:
Carving A Deep Groove
About ten years ago I was diagnosed with depression.
I think depression is a fascinating word. In one sense it means deep feelings of discouragement and even despondency. In sculpting, however, “depression” means a deep groove or indentation.
When I was diagnosed with depression, in many ways it felt as if I had fallen down into a deep chasm. It was dark, and I felt low and alone. At times I would come up, but I would fall back into the chasm and it seems that no matter what I tried, I didn’t know how to get out.
I felt stuck like the man in the stone in Polasek’s sculpture, bound by this darkness and misery.
My journey of living through depression and learning how to manage my mind and emotions in a healthier way has been a long process of chipping away old ideas and ways of seeing the world and behaving, and slowing carving new ones. It’s been painful, scary, and hard. But it has also been exhilarating and it has shaped who I am now. In the beginning, I thought my goal was just to get back to my old self—full of happiness and the love of life. But what I discovered in the sculpting process was an even better version of myself—one that had deeper grooves and more defined features. One that was more compassionate, better able to help and love others, one who was braver, more deliberate, and more confident.
Here are a few of the ways my depression journey sculpted a better version of me.
Creating Compassion and Contribution
After living in the dark valley of the soul, I have a deep compassion for those who suffer with depression or anxiety. I can often recognize people who suffer and I feel an instant affinity with them. I have some cherished friendships with people who have also suffered.
Because the process of breaking free from depression (which is something I continue to work on) has been such an empowering journey, I have wanted to help others learn how to break free of depression as well. Sharing my experience and the tools that have helped me has become an important part of my life’s work. Without suffering from depression, I never would have found these amazing tools or pursued the things I’m doing now with life coaching or blogging.
The Gift of Living Deliberately
Because how we feel is determined by what we think, I have had to learn to be a watcher of my own thoughts. This skill has allowed me to be much more aware of myself and much more educated in human nature in general.
This meta-skill has changed the way I think and the way I behave. Now I can see the results of my thoughts and I can often choose my thoughts more deliberately. Different thoughts allow me to create a different outcome. I’ve been able to create things in my life I never thought possible.
If I had always been happy and healthy, I would never have lived such an intentional life.
Confidence to Fail and Be Uncomfortable
Depression feels terrible. It’s heavy and foggy and the human spirit resists it. The brain tells us that negative feelings are dangerousin order to change the way I feel—we should fight or flee! In order to move through negative emotion, I realized I finally had to stop resisting it. I had to stop distracting myself from it, and I had to stop reacting to it. I had to process it.
Before I dealt with depression, I had never learned how to process emotions. Unwittingly, I had spent much of my life avoiding negative emotion. When I finally learned how to feel it, I realized it wasn’t that bad to feel emotion—the feelings created an uncomfortable sensation in my body, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. Interestingly, when I finally allowed myself to just feel, the feelings eventually subsided and went away. I could hardly believe all the time I had wasted trying to avoid negative emotions!
This meta-skill of processing emotion has given me confidence that I can handle any difficult emotion. That confidence has opened a totally new set of opportunities for me in life because I’m not afraid to fail, or be disappointed, or have others not like me.
Who I’ve been formed into—and continue to be formed into—is intricately intertwined with my experience with depression. This rock that entraps me is also the rock that helps shape who I am.
Looking Beneath the Rock That Binds You
Your best self and your best life are not outside of you, they are just beneath the surface of all the rock enshrouding you. It is the process of chipping away at that rock that will form you into who you need to become. That rock around you is not a setback, it is the key to you becoming your best self.
Just as Polasek continued to sculpt through his own personal difficulties, whoever you want to become is available to you. It will require some carving and chipping away to get there. Sculpting yourself hurts. It means getting rid of parts of yourself. It means realizing you are wrong about some things. It means being willing to think differently, to be uncomfortable sometimes, and to do things you’ve never done before. It means processing difficult emotions. You can’t get a new result by doing the same things you’ve always done. The result is worth it, because the result is better and happier version of you.
The first step is to stop thinking of the rock around you as unfair or as something that has gone wrong. Instead of hating the rock around you, use it.
Sculpt Your Own Destiny
What difficult things have helped you become who you are today?
What is the rock that binds you now? How will you use it sculpt yourself into the next and better version of you?
