Good

Last week my girls and I visited Monticello–Thomas Jefferson’s home.  They were excited to learn more about this historical icon who authored the Declaration of Independence, championed religious freedom and education for all. 

My girls were enthralled by the front hall of Monticello which is filled with artifacts collected from the Lewis and Clark expedition. The girls enjoyed learning of the French food Jefferson incorporated into his menus from his time as a diplomat and seeing his thirst for knowledge woven into even the architecture of his home.  

Bad?

However, my girls were surprised to discover that Jefferson owned slaves, and even fathered 5 children with a young 16-year old slave.

As they read about Sally Hemmings, the slave girl with whom he fathered children, my girls asked good questions. “What is a concubine?  Did she want to have children with him?  Why didn’t he marry her?  Why didn’t he free her?  Why didn’t her children get the same privileges as his other children?”

Contradiction

I knew Jefferson owned slaves and had fathered children from Sally Hemmings, however, being there in person caused me to reflect on some of the contradiction of Jefferson’s life. I thought about his public writings and outspokenness about abolition, while he privately benefitted from slavery financially, and took advantage of at least one young slave.   I also pondered about all the good he created.  

I could see in their faces confusion, disappointment and a general dampening of admiration for Thomas Jefferson.

The Brain Loves to Categorize

The brain loves to categorize people and things and events as bad or good.  It’s easier for us to make sense of them.

They had categorized him as “good,” and now this information didn’t fit.  Was he a “bad” person now?  

We had an important conversation.  

Explaining Human Contradiction

I explained that we don’t know all the details, but what we do know that some of the things he did were wrong and unfair.  I admitted to them my own ponderings about his contradictions.  

This experience allowed us to explore an important truth about growing up.  People are complicated.  People can do really good things AND really bad things.  I explained to my children that Thomas Jefferson did both good things AND bad things.  

The brain doesn’t like this. It keeps trying to fit people into all-or-nothing categories.  

Drawbacks of All-or-Nothing Thinking

While it’s simpler and easier to categorize people, it causes several problems.  First, because no one is all good or all bad it causes us to rationalize the bad in them or discount the good.

Second, we end up with a distorted view of reality.  Third, this all-or-nothing thinking often robs us of the opportunity to grow in our ability to hold ambiguity and tolerate two opposites. 

The Benefits of Ambiguity

However, the ability to tolerate ambiguity allows us to better see things as they really are.  It also allows us to maintain our values and integrity while also appreciating others for the good they offer. 

It doesn’t make ours or others wrongs “okay,” but we can love ourselves and others as we figure out how to be human.  We can deeply love others as they are even if we don’t love or condone all the things they do…and we can love ourselves in our own contradictions.  

Allowing for Reality and Deeper Love

Isn’t that what we all want–to be loved, even in our imperfectness?  And don’t we want to be able to love the good in others even if they aren’t all good?  

And vs. Or

There is one simple tool we can use to help us tolerate the ambiguity in ourselves and others. It is simply to use the word AND instead of OR when talk about the good and the bad in them.

Like Thomas Jefferson, each of us is good AND bad.  As we allow ourselves to sit with both pieces of ourselves and the good and bad in others we can see more clearly how to deal with the bad, and we can enjoy the good despite the bad.  

How to Reconcile the Bad in Others and Ourselves

1. Recognize that there is good and bad in you and in others.
2. Articulate the good
3. Articulate the bad
4. Decide what, if anything you want to do about the bad and/or the good