We had a seesaw at our elementary school when was I young. My friend and I used to each take a side. We would use our legs to spring upwards until the other person hit the ground and then switched. When we got tired of this we would try to make the seesaw balance perfectly by each of us scooting closer or farther from the center of the seesaw in order to distribute our weight exactly evenly. It was almost mesmerizing to attempt what felt like an impossible feat: finding balance. Usually we’d have a moment of success only to have one of us laugh or move slightly tipping us again out of balance.
The Challenge to Find Balance
Life as a mom can feel a lot like a seesaw or better still many seesaws we want to be balanced. As moms, we balance so many things including; caring for ourselves, building our relationship with our spouse and children, keeping up on the house, managing a career or hobbies, friendships, health, extended family, church and so much more.
The Illusion of the Right Recipe for Balance
I used to think if I could just get the recipe right for how to balance everything perfectly, I’d feel successful. Instead, it seemed like every time I noticed I was out of balance and tried to slide down the metaphorical seesaw to find balance, something else got out of balance. When I spent one-on-one time with my kids, I didn’t have dinner ready on time. When I made an amazing dinner, the house was a mess. When I spent time cleaning, I was nagging my kids not to leave their things around. When I took time to care for myself, my kids fought more. I would make lists and plans and read blogs all to find the illusive perfect way to do it all.
Once in a while there were perfect days when I did manage to “do it all.” These rare days just served to increase my belief that I should be able to do it all. My idea that I should be able to do it all certainly drove me to be active at trying to manage lots of things, but ultimately I often felt like I was failing. Even when some seesaws were balanced others were not. And I made failing mean that something was wrong with me or the way I was doing things.
The Wrong Goal
I was right that something was wrong. But it wasn’t that there was something wrong with me or even the way I was doing things. What was wrong was my goal to have everything balanced at once. Life is SUPPOSED to be messy.
If everything was perfectly balanced all of the time, life would be boring; we wouldn’t have any reason to change or think, children would not have any chance to learn or grow, and we’d all be running around with automated schedules, meeting pre-determined expectations, and turning into human robots. Plus, we all might be translated to heaven and there wouldn’t be anyone left to appreciate the balance. 😉
Balance is NOT the Goal
If balance isn’t the goal, what is? Certainly, abandoning trying won’t get us where we want to go. What I have discovered yields the best results is this goal: becoming the best version of ourselves through the mess of it all.
We become better humans as we keep trying, as we move from see-saw to see-saw to attempt again. We get wiser as we make hard decisions about what to cut out. We become braver as we learn to say no. We become more kind as we learn to give up some things we want for things that matter more to us—and to others. We feel accomplishment as we work hard to do new things or do old things in new ways. We feel peace as we learn to live consistent with who we want to be.
The goal is not balance. The goal is to become the person you are meant to be. The messiness of life is the perfect playground. It forces us to constantly be making hard decisions and stretching ourselves.
The Right Goal
What does reality look like if our goal is to become better-stronger-wiser-humans instead of to find the perfect balance? Success looks messy. It means sometimes doing special time with my kids, sometimes letting them cry while I do a work out video, sometimes making an amazing dinner and letting the house go to pot, sometimes ordering McDonald’s and talking through a bullying problem with my daughter.
Life’s many seesaws are impossible to keep perfectly balanced all the time. It’s part of the fun to find one that’s tipping and move to shift it. Choosing one may mean you purposely DON’T choose others. That can make the one you DO choose more meaningful. It also makes us as moms stronger, smarter, better at decisions, more purposeful and wiser.
Failing Forward
Of course we’ll fail. Sometimes a see-saw will tip too far and the other side wallops down on the ground. We’ll realize our eating is out of hand and we’ve gained extra weight. We’ll realize we’ve become too focused on work or a personal project and put off our kids too long. Sometimes we realize the house is at risk of a health department inspection.
No one is keeping track of the number of fails—or falls. What matters is what you do during and after. Do you get back up and keep trying? Do you make an effort to go to that seesaw and balance it a bit better? The true fail ISN’T the seesaw tipping out of balance, it’s what you do when you get discouraged and give up. Giving up means you miss the best part of the process…when YOU become stronger. That’s when you start to become the person YOU are meant to be.
Imbalance is Necessary and Fun
I always looked at the imbalance as a problem. Now I see that it is necessary. Dealing with a variety of moving seesaws that need to be balanced is how we develop into our best versions of ourselves. And it’s what makes life fun.
Become Better Through Imbalance
- Change your goal from improving life balance, to improving who YOU are through it.
- Expect life to be messy.
- Be willing to fail, and keep trying.
