It seems sweet for a 2-year-old to have a blanket or stuffed animal, but we might think it was a bit strange to see a 32-year-old dragging around a teddy bear everywhere with her. In the same way—sometimes we outgrow our own stories about ourselves and others.
Our Brains Think in Stories
Our brain stores experiences as stories—it allows us to store more information than we otherwise could. It also helps us make sense of our lives and be able to share our experiences with others.
A story is not just the facts of what happens, but the meaning we attach to it and the identity we take on because of it.
Some of our stories are beneficial to us. But other stories aren’t. In fact, sometimes we change and grow but we still continue to carry around the same stories about ourselves when actually we’ve outgrown them. This can hold us back.
Our Stories Served an Important Purpose at One Time
Just like a little lovely probably brings safety and security to a little one who doesn’t fully understand the world around her yet—our stories are often an important part of making sense of the world and coping with a difficult situation the best we know how. However, just like carrying around a lovey everywhere would likely be a hindrance for an adult, sometimes the stories that served us once can slow us down as we grow and change.
The brain is designed to keep us alive. It wants to be safe and efficient—so by default it keeps us thinking the same thoughts that kept us alive up till now. The problem is, sometimes these old stories keep us from progressing.
Are They Still Necessary?
How do you know if a story is still helping you? You look at the result you are getting from that belief or identity. If it’s not helping you be the best version of yourself or if it’s causing a lot of negative emotions, it might be time to look at your story and decide if it’s still true, still helpful or still necessary.
Recently I realized I’ve outgrown one of my stories.
Story Version #1 “A Threat to My Happiness”
I have someone I interact with frequently who is challenging for me. I used to dread interactions with them. My story was essentially “They are a threat to my happiness.” This is what brains do—they try to protect us from things that are emotionally threatening. I want to be clear–this person wasn’t abusive in any way, just hard for me.
Because it was hard, I avoided this person as much as possible. But I realized the avoiding was actually making me miserable. I was spending a lot of time and energy avoiding them and I was making my story true—I was unhappy because of all my avoiding!
Story Version #2 “They Can Be Unkind and I Don’t Have to Be”
I set some boundaries to protect myself, but I decided who I wanted to be in the situation knowing they weren’t likely to change. My new story was: “They can be unkind and I don’t have to be. I want to be the type of person who is kind anyway.”
This story created a huge shift for me. I went from dreading interactions to being fine with them. I felt a lot more open and even comfortable around them. I took back control of my happiness and found that I didn’t have to mirror their emotions. I even found it was exciting to try to evolve to be the person who “took the high road.”
Outgrowing My Story
I thought I had written a great story, until recently I realized I’ve outgrown it. I realized while I don’t dread interactions with this person, I don’t particularly enjoy them either. And, I certainly don’t look forward to them.
Inherent in my story was judgement of this person—“they aren’t kind.” And, inherent in it was pride, “I’m the one who’s being the big person here.” The judgement and pride was making it hard to really enjoy this person or even truly love them.
Writing a New Story
I realized that I could decide to have a different story. I could decide this person was truly loveable. I started asking myself, “Is it possible I could genuinely love this person?” “What do I sincerely enjoy about them?” As I did, I began to notice more things I did appreciate and love. I gathered more evidence that I had been dismissing because of my old story.
Story Version #3 “I Love Them. Period”
I decided I wanted to genuinely love this person. My story was: “I love this person.” No caveat. No backstory. No high road. Just love. It’s so much more fun and so much more pleasant. I realized there wasn’t much of an upside to resisting loving.
I probably couldn’t have gotten here straight from “They are a threat to my happiness.” Each of my stories served a purpose. But letting them go as I changed and grew has enabled me to genuinely enjoy this relationship and interactions so much more. It is one of the most freeing stories I’ve ever adopted. Love is always the best option.
Let the Old Story Go
Don’t be afraid to question your stories. It’s okay to let them go when you’ve grown out of them. Sometimes we want to cling to them because they got us to a better place than we were before. But just like a little lovey—they become a hindrance to us if we don’t let them go. And just like a child giving up a blanket or a binky or a teddy bear, it’s only a couple of painful days and they realize their new identity is even better and freer than it was before!
Let Go of the “Stories” You’ve Outgrown
- Ask yourself if your “story” is helping you be the best you.
- If not, ask yourself if it’s possible you’ve outgrown your story and write a new one.
