As a busy stay-at-home mom of four, I love what I do!  But it’s nice to get a break sometimes.  Finding time to do things to keep myself going has been a challenge—particularly when I’ve had babies and young children with me all day.  Over the years I’ve discovered something interesting.  Some of the “breaks” that I originally thought would replenish me turned out to not be fulfilling, while others were unexpectedly gratifying.

Things I thought would replenish me, but DIDN’T

In the past, I remember looking forward to Saturday afternoon shopping trips at Target without my kids. I initially thought it was a great break—I’d stroll through the aisles alone, savoring the chance to examine items without children pulling on me and begging to buy things and falling apart on the floor pleading to leave the store.  But when I would return to the chaos at home, I’d feel just as overwhelmed and frazzled as before I left, with the additional guilt of feeling that I had bought too many things!

In another attempt to give myself a “break,” I would sometimes zone out scrolling through Facebook or Instagram while my child took a nap.  It was nice to not think about anything in particular, and I felt a vague sense of connecting with friends.  But at the end of nap time I hadn’t truly connected with anyone and was still just as isolated as I felt before.  In addition, I felt disappointed that I had wasted the time I could have done something else more meaningful.

During dinner time, I’d sometimes grab a cookie to bring a little “joy” to an otherwise busy and demanding time.  I felt like I deserved it after spending all day dealing with the craziness in the house!  The cookie tasted yummy, but didn’t actually change the chaos in the home or my ability to handle it.  And after several weeks of cookie eating, I didn’t like what I saw on the scale.  And when I became really overwhelmed or discouraged, sometimes I would complain to my husband or a friend and download all my frustration. It helped me to vocalize my feelings, but often the more I repeated my sad story the more I believed it and the more frustrated I became.  

Finding a Pattern

I’ve realized that all of the “breaks” that left me feeling the same as when I started had something in common—they all included CONSUMING things. Whether it was money, time, or food, they were all about consumption. By contrast,  I’ve discovered that the “breaks” that truly replenish me all involve CREATING things—relationships, memories, order, and beauty.  Understanding this pattern has been powerful for me because it’s helped me choose to spend the time I do take away from my family on things that actually refresh me.  

Things that ACTUALLY replenish me

If I’m feeling lonely and I call someone to chat or take time to send a short note to a friend, I feel rejuvenated.  Having a family over to dinner, or doing something small to help someone else, makes me feel connections with others.

When I feel overwhelmed, sitting down and planning out the week helps me organize my to-do list in a way that feels manageable

If I exercise when I feel low on energy, I come home feeling a sense of accomplishment and a renewed enthusiasm to be the person I want to be.  Sometimes, taking a power nap gives me the refreshment I need.

I’ve found when I am frazzled by the disorder in the house, if I start to pick up a room and create more order, or if I work on a sink of dirty dishes, the “break” feels surprisingly satisfying and rewarding.

When I am discouraged, writing in my journal helps me get traction on what I am thinking and feeling and helps me comprehensively reflect on my life, and not just focus on the things my brain wants me to concentrate on. 

Creating a digital family scrapbook helps me remember all the wonderful moments with my family.  Even creating beauty in my home by arranging furniture or designing a picture wall is satisfying.

Why Consumption Doesn’t Replenish Us

When I am tired or lonely or overwhelmed, what I FEEL like doing is consuming.  It doesn’t require as much effort as creating something, and my brain THINKS it will help me feel better.

Consuming is using things created by others. This can mean eating, watching TV, reading, borrowing money, buying things, waiting for others to reach out to us, blaming others for problems, surfing the web, etc.

Some consumption is necessary, of course, to meet our basic needs for nourishment, safety, and connection.  We need to eat, and sleep and buy clothes and relax and connect with others.  Consumption feels good.  Some consumption for fun is fine too. There are several reasons, however, why consumption doesn’t actually replenish us. 

•  Consuming doesn’t solve the problem
• It often has its own negative consequences
• It robs us of self-worth
  

Consuming doesn’t solve the problem.

Consumption feels good in the moment because it distracts us from our negative emotions, but it doesn’t actually change anything.  Our negative emotions are often powerful motivators toward change.  Distracting ourselves with consumption actually prevents us from making necessary changes or taking action to solve the problem.  After we consumer something, we are still left with our same problems. And, we may even have additional negative emotions as the consequence of whatever we consumed.

When we feel lonely, for example, we are motivated to seek connection with others.  If we dull that motivation by scrolling through Facebook or watching a show, we don’t actually solve the problem—we never actually make the connection that helps us feel close to someone else.   When we’re done consuming, we still feel lonely.

Consuming often has negative consequences.  

Consuming feels good in the moment!  The brain is wired for pleasure—it seeks things that help us survive. The brain keeps seeking things that feel good, but more of a good thing is not always good. We often end up consuming more than we need because it feels good.  Overconsumption leads to a whole host of negative consequences, including weight gain, debt, wasted time, addiction, substance dependence, and many others.

Overconsumption robs us of feelings of self-worth.

Feelings of self-worth come from knowing our innate value and from creating value in the world.  When we’re busy consuming, we’re not working on accomplishing things that actually satisfy us, like building relationships, staying healthy, and developing our talents. Consuming takes our time, energy, money, and desire.  Overconsumption can begin to rob us of our feelings of self-worth and purpose.  Ultimately, we can become discouraged and depressed.

Why Creation Replenishes Us

When we’re feeling low, often the last thing we want to do is exert more energy.  However, this is exactly what will help us feel better.  We have a human need to create.  It gives us a sense of purpose and worth and generates feelings of happiness for several reasons:

• We sense our own divinity
• We create evidence for our own worth and purpose
• We connect with others

We sense our own divinity

As we create we begin to sense our divine heritage. This is part of our divine heritage being children of God.  He created the earth and all things.  As His children we inherit this divine characteristic. 

We create evidence of our own worth and purpose

As we create, we generate proof of our own worth.  Our worth is permanent and immutable.  Simply by being a human we are valuable and precious.  However, when we create something, it helps us prove to ourselves that we are competent and that we have a purpose.

We connect with others

As we create we often connect with others, which further increases our happiness.  Whether we are creating to make money or simply creating for service, creating usually involves doing something for others.  We are wired to feel happiness as we connect with others, especially if we have created something that enriches or helps others.

How to Create

Creation simply means making something that didn’t exist before.  

It could be something as simple as smiling at someone, giving a compliment, inviting another family to dinner, forming a new habit, reading a book to a child, or comforting them when they are sad, or calling a friend to talk. Some types of creation can be physical, like creating an arrangement of pictures on your wall, making a family scrapbook, painting a picture or sewing a piece of clothing.  

Creation can also include performing a musical number, starting a playgroup or discussion group, sharing an uplifting opinion or experience on Facebook, throwing a baby shower, or joining a volunteer organization.  Or it can mean embarking on a career or side-gig, starting a podcast, or forming an organization.  

Creation Generates Happiness

Creation takes effort and our brains usually try to avoid anything that requires more effortfrom us.  But, creation actually creates a positive result, while consumption usually just delays the negative result and adds to it. When we choose to override the brain’s initial inclination to consume and instead choose to create something, we generate feelings of relief, purpose, happiness, and energy that will satisfy and replenish us. 

Create More Happiness

When you have free time, what do you spend it on?  

List what you spend your time on and label it as consumption or creation. 

Notice which things actually replenish you and which ones just distract you. There’s nothing wrong with consuming sometimes, but deliberately choosing to spend more of our time on creation will help to rejuvenate and replenish your spirit with feelings of happiness and purpose and will give you energy and motivation in the other things you do.