A friend asked me once, “How do you get your kids to talk to you so much?”  

Isn’t that a question we all have?  As children get older and more capable of expressing themselves, many seem to communicate less!  As parents we want to know what’s going on—what they are thinking, feeling and experiencing.  We need information so we can take care of them.  And, talking is an important part of connecting.  

Since our discussion I was thinking about all the ways I have experimented over the years with trying to draw out my kids to share what they’re thinking and feeling and experiencing.  I have found a lot of things that DON’T work in getting kids to talk, and a few that do seem to help them talk more.  

What Doesn’t Work vs. What Works

I want to highlight three things I’ve observed that cause my kids to clam up, not want to share, or feel disconnected talking me.   After each mistake, I’ll offer something I found that works better.  

Mistake #1:  Different “Agendas”

When my agenda is different than my child’s agenda they often don’t want to share.  The other day I was eating lunch with my four-year-old.  I asked her which friends she played with at school.  She clammed up and seemed awkward.  Then I asked what book she read in school.  She couldn’t remember.  Finally, she started talking about how her quesadilla looked like a smiley face.  I was disappointed, because I didn’t want to talk about the shape of the quesadilla—especially because she was getting her hands all greasy and making a mess as she ripped it apart. 

The truth is, we both wanted to connect. The way I wanted to do it was to talk about pre-school and what happened.  The way she wanted to do it was by joking about the shape of her quesadilla.  It can be easy to let our different “agendas” disrupt our ability to connect when we talk to our kids.  

What Works Better:  Going with Material Presented

There are many reasons kids may not want to open up. One reason is that humans are very adept at reading motives.  When a child feels we are trying to get information, they sense our self-serving motive (even if the reason we want the information is to better help them!). When humans sense selfishness in another person they often avoid it out of protection.  Another reason may be power.  In a world where most things are decided for them, information is one of the few things kids can control.  Trying to get kids communicate can easily become a power struggle!  

One thing that is helpful when we find ourselves frustrated that kids aren’t sharing is to stop and ask ourselves:  “Why do I want to talk to my child?”  Often the answer is to feel closer to the them or to help them.  We can ask ourselves, “What can I do right now to feel more connected with my child?”

After I realized I had a different agenda from my daughter at lunch—and that it was causing disconnection instead of connection, I stopped myself.  I decided to go with the material she presented for conversation.  I asked her to show me where the eyes and mouth were. HER eyes lit up and she loved my participation.  I showed her how she could turn the mouth upside down and made the face talk in a funny voice.  She thought this was hilarious.  While I didn’t get the down low on pre-school, I had a moment of connection with my daughter that was likely worth way more than a complete report on her day at school.  Going with the material a child presents can help draw them out and help us feel more connected.  

Mistake #2:  Assume They Don’t Want to Talk and Give Up

Because I’ve had some experiences trying to get kids to talk when they don’t want to and having it backfire—sometimes I’ve noticed I give up too quickly in trying to draw them out.  The other day, I was tucking one of my daughters in and I asked her what her “high”(best part) and “low”(worst part) were from the day.  She hesitated and said, “I don’t know!” I could tell she was tired and assumed she probably just didn’t want to talk.  So, I tucked her in and kissed her and turned the light out. As I was almost to the door she called out…”mom?”   I was tempted to feel like this was just a ploy to stay up later and prolong the bed-time routine.  But, I walked back into the room.  She said, “Mom, I don’t want to go to school tomorrow!”  Usually she loves school, so I was surprised by her outburst. I also knew this could likely be the product of feeling tired and exhausted at the end of the day.  What I felt like saying was, “Honey, it’s important to go to school—even when we don’t feel like it.”  BUT, thankfully I held my tongue.   

I said, “You don’t want to go to school?  Tell me why you’re feeling that way.”  Then a whole story tumbled out about how the bus monitor had moved their seats next to a boy who was making fun of her.  She was dreading having to endure the bus ride again. Once she got going, the story just poured out.  Clearly, she had a lot of feelings stored up that she didn’t know how to get out.  

What Works Better:  Asking the Right Kinds of Questions

I have found in the last several years that some types of questions are more helpful in encouraging kids to talk.  Certain kinds of questions cause the brain to clam up, and others open our minds.  For example, although my daughter WANTED to share, when I asked her “What was the worst part of your day?” it was difficult to sort through the entire day and analyze which one was the worst.  A better question might have been, “What was a difficult part of your day today.” This has been one of the most powerful tools I’ve used with my kids and I find it is almost fool-proof.  The other day I asked this same daughter about something she enjoyed that day, and she shared something right away.  

The right kind of questions can draw children out and help them feel safe to share.  Open-ended questions work better than closed questions.  General questions usually aren’t as helpful as specific ones. Using questions with absolutes in them is great way to shut down the person you are asking.  Accusatory questions are never helpful.  I’ll explain each type of question and give some examples.  

Open Ended vs. Yes or No

I’ve noticed that questions that require a “yes” or “no” answer tend to be a great recipe for ending a conversation.  In contrast, questions that are open ended tend to facilitate better conversation.  As adults, we are able to respond to closed questions in a less limiting way by expounding on our response.  However, children are much more literal and will often answer with yes or no.  For example, if I asked an adult, “Did you have a good day?”  they might respond with, “Yes—it was really busy and there was some office drama, but it was fine.”  In contrast, if you ask a child, “Did you have a good day?”  they are likely to respond with, “Yes.”  A question more likely to get a more informational response might be, “What did you play at recess today?”  

Closed:  Is math going okay?
Open ended:  What happened with your math test today? 

Closed:  Do you like your teacher?
Open ended:  How is your teacher this year different than the one last year?

General vs. Specific

I have also found general questions aren’t as helpful as specific questions.  General questions often ask the brain to sort through too much information, which  can be overwhelming for a child.  They haven’t always fully learned how to select a relevant piece of information in order to share and connect.  Using a specific question can help a child narrow the field of information they draw on in order to be able to answer.  

General:  How are things going with friends?
Specific:  Who did you sit with today at lunch?

General:  How was the party?
Specific:   What were some of the activities you did at the party?

Don’t Use Absolutes

Something I’ve noticed in myself and other parents is that we often use absolutes like “your favorite,”  or “the worst,” to ask our kids questions.  For example, after a family outing I used to ask my kids what their favorite part of the day was.  Invariably the kids had a difficult time coming up with something.  Sometimes they would say, “I don’t know.”  Other times they would say, “everything.”  

Kids often think about things in black and white.  When parents use absolutes in a question, it can make a child worry they will give a “wrong” answer, or that they have to analyze to get the best answer.  Often this leads to overwhelm or discouragement and the result is less communication.  One simple way to shift this for children is to ask them questions with less weight such as, “What was one thing you enjoyed today.”  I found when I shifted to using less absolutes, my kids open right up and were much more likely to share.  

Absolute:  What was your favorite ride today at the amusement park?Flexible:  What was one thing you enjoyed today?

Absolute:  What was the most interesting thing you learned today?
Flexible:  Was there something in social studies today that you thought was interesting?

Accusatory vs. Exploratory Questions

When I am surprised or angry, I find it’s easy to slip into accusatory questions. These are virtually never helpful. Accusatory questions make a child feel threatened and defensive–or afraid. They last thing they feel like doing when they are accused is opening up to a productive brainstorming session or promising to change!

Accusatory:  Why did you do that?
Exploratory:  How did you respond?  How did you feel about the way you reacted?

Accusatory:  What’s wrong with you?  
Exploratory:  What are your thoughts about this situation?  

Mistake #3 Judging or Solving Can Shut Kids Down

Another thing I find really discourages my kids from sharing with me is judging, correcting, discounting, or trying to solve the problem right then.  

Once, my daughter came in frustrated about a situation with a friend.  She went off about all the terrible ways this friend treated her.  I did feel for her, but I also felt like she was awfulizing the situation and I thought it might help to have a different perspective.  I gently tried to point out a different way to see the situation hoping it would help. But, the minute I started to talk she turned and stomped away saying, “Mom, I can’t talk to you!”  I had unintentionally shut down the chance to talk about it with her because I made her feel dismissed and even embarrassed.  

Just Holding Space for Them to Explore

As parents, we feel like it’s our job to fix things or teach children what is right and wrong.  While this is true, timing and method matter.  When a child presents a concern or a problem, it’s easy to jump in and try to fix it or correct them.  However, our good intentions often backfire because kids don’t feel understood and often feel judged or incapable.  In the future they are less likely to want to share.  

Children don’t like to feel like they are wrong—and they don’t like feeling judged by the person they want to please!  A healthier way of encouraging kids to talk to you frequently is just to listen and reflect back how they feel.  I call it a “holding space.”  You don’t have to agree with their beliefs or behavior, but they are better able to flesh things out when there is a neutral holding space for them to verbally explore their experiences.  

A few weeks ago, my daughter came and told me she hated piano.  Instead of telling her how much we’re paying for lessons and how she needs to do it anyway (which is what I wanted to do), I said, “Oh, you hate piano?”  She said, “Yes!  My teacher gives me so many songs.  It takes sooooooo long to practice.”  I said, “Okay, you feel like it takes you a long time to practice?”  She said, “Yes.  I want to play with my friends and sisters when I get home and it’s hard to sit there for so long.”  All I did was continue to reflect back to her what she told me –it was like pulling a string gently out of her with the whole story.  

When she had finished, I asked a few more questions that let her think about ways she might solve the problem.  In the end  she said, “Bye mom, I’m going to go practice the piano now.”  I was standing there shocked after hearing the whole story!  She just needed space to express herself—and she felt better.  Sometimes just holding space is the best help we can give—and it makes our kids want to come back to us again.  

No Magic Recipe

There’s no magic recipe for getting kids to talk—each parent and child will have a different dynamic.  However, if the goal is connection, our efforts can  backfire if we push our own agenda, give up too early, or judge and correct our children while they’re talking.  Things that help kids communicate more include: going with the material they present, asking better questions, and just holding space and reflecting back what they say so they can solve the problem themselves.  

How to Get Kids to Talk More 

1.  Practice talking about the material your child presents rather than what you are inclined to ask about.

2.  Brainstorm two or three questions you could ask your child that are open-ended, specific, non-accusatory and don’t include words that are absolutes.  

3.  Hold your tongue and try reflecting back what your child expresses as they talk.