Maybe you’ve realized you have a story—or a thought–that isn’t helping you. Maybe it’s even hurting you. Perhaps you know what you WANT to believe, but it doesn’t feel true. Here are a few ideas to help.
Shop for New Beliefs
Sometimes finding the right thought is like trying on clothes. You wouldn’t walk right into a store grab the first thing you see on the rack, buy it and go home expecting it to be perfect. You would pick a few items, try them on and look in the mirror. You might even try them on with other items to see if you like them. You might even put them on hold—look around and come back. Or buy them and return them. Sometimes finding the same thought is a similar process. You have to try on some different thoughts to find the right one. You might even purchase one but return it later, or try it and then alter it. When you have this type of attitude about changing your thoughts, it can help you be more patient as your brain tries out different thoughts.
Recently I’ve been working on my tendency to be late. I realized I have the thought, “I can do just one more thing.” I started shopping for new beliefs. A few I have been trying include; “I’d rather be on-time than get this last thing done,” “I am an on-time person,” or “I save time by being on-time.” I am trying them out to see what works.
Step Laddering Example
Sometimes it can be too abrupt for the brain to go from believing one thing to the opposite of that belief. If you find this is true, step-laddering your thoughts can be helpful.
That means you start at one end with your current thought and you put your end goal at the top of the ladder. In between you put small changes to the thought. Often you start with something neutral. You gradually work your way up to something different. Sometimes even changing it to a question, “I wonder if….” Or “Is it possible that…” can help the mind be more open to it.
If you can’t go from “I hate my body” to “I love my body,” for example, you could try on of the following; “I have a body,” “My body has provided my 4 beautiful children,” “I’m working toward loving my body,” “What if I could love my body?” “I wonder what someone who loved their body would do.”
Choose a Thought and Write It Down
When you choose a thought, it’s important to write it down. Writing it down helps make it concrete. The new thought–or story–becomes something real and tangible instead of just a nice idea. It’s something you’re creating and something you’re committing to.
Practice the New Thought
Put it on sticky notes in different places around your house, carry it in your pocket. Put it on your phone screen saver. When you notice the old thought, pull out the paper with your new thought and re-direct your mind to it. You have a lot of practice believing the old thought. It takes time to create new neuropathways.
Sometimes it can take up to 100x of re-directing your brain to believe something new. While 100 may seem like a lot of times, it isn’t all that much when you consider that you probably think the thought several times a day. In less than a month of re-directing your mind to a new thought, you could believe something totally different. Some of my clients like to use a sheet with 100 squares on it. They make a mark each time they re-direct to the new thought.
Gather New Evidence
Our thoughts are a lot like magnets. They collect evidence to support themselves. Believing something new means you are going against a lot of evidence you have collected over the years. Your new thought is on probation and you have to gather new evidence for it in order to help your brain believe it. You will have to keep defending it for a while until the weight of evidence shifts and your brain fully believes it. The good news is, you will collect the evidence quicker than you think. Pretty soon it will be difficult to believe that you believed the old thought!
I remember at one particular time when I had 3 young children at home all day, I had a story I repeated most nights to my husband. It went something like this, “It was so hard today. This child did ____, this child did ____, etc.” I just thought I was reporting on the day. But I realized I was noticing more of the things I focused on—and as a result everything felt so hard! Instead I decided to try telling a different story. I started trying think of one positive thing that happened each day to tell my husband. This one small thing made a huge difference. I started looking for positive things instead of negative. And, I found them! Not only did my story about my days change to “my kids are so sweet,” but my relationship with my husband improved since I wasn’t just venting every night.
Tell Your New Story
One of the most powerful ways to solidify your new story is to write and/or share it with others. Research shows that experiences or memories are stored between neurons. Eachtime we tell the story, our brains actually retrieve the matter and it is re-organized as we tell it. It is then re-stored differently between our neurons. In other words, telling our stories helps us changes them. If it is a story we are wanting to change, this can be a powerful tool to make the stories we want to believe, our default stories.
Write in a journal with your new belief driving the narrative. Tell your “story” to others using your new belief as the foundation of it. You may be surprised. It will feel awkward at first—you might even feel like you aren’t telling the “whole” story. But you’ll notice over time it becomes normal to tell the story in the new way.
As you tell your story more, YOU are the one who comes to believe it more.
Believe A New Story
- Try on different thoughts. Don’t be afraid to let go of some if they don’t fit.
- Practice the new thought (Up to 100x)
- Gather evidence for the thought.
- Tell your new story
