One of my clients was concerned about contention in her marriage.  Her husband was frequently critical and she found herself either trying to bite her tongue and feeling resentful or snapping back at him.  She didn’t like how things were, but she couldn’t see any way out of it without her husband changing.  The frustrating part was, he wasn’t changing.  So, she felt helpless and frustrated.  

The Fortress

I shared an analogy with her.  Anytime we feel threatened, we want to defend ourselves.  It’s part of the survival instinct of the brain—even with emotional threats.  I had her imagine each criticism like an arrow.  When her husband criticized her—it was like he shot an arrow at her. 

To protect herself, sometimes she hid behind a big barricade of resentment and defensiveness in order to avoid getting hurt.  Sometimes she got out her own bow and arrow and raised it back at him when she snapped back at him.  

When she withdrew from him in defensiveness and resentment or sent back arrows of judgement or anger it reinforced the cycle because he felt he had to continue to defend himself so hedidn’t get hurt.

The problem was being poised in battle-ready position was exhausting because they were always on the defensive.  Neither of them felt as close to each other as they wanted.  

The Prisoner’s Dilemma

When I explained this analogy to her she said, “that’s exactly how I feel, but I don’t know how to get out of it without him changing.”  I explained that she and her husband were in a “prisoner’s dilemma.” Neither of them could feel safe enough to put down their weapons unless the other put them down first even though they’d both be better off if they did!

She said she felt trapped because it felt like there were only two options; let him hurt me or hurt back  Both were miserable.   

Those are not the only options.  

The Alternative Solution

The alternative solution I shared with her is to learn that arrows or criticism can’t automatically hurt you.  

You can learn how to put on emotional armor.  No one else can hurt your feelings without your permission.  Really.  They can say whatever they want.  It won’t hurt unless you believe them.  Or unless you make it mean something hurtful.  Why would you give that kind of power to someone who is already trying to hurt you? Take back your power over how you feel. You don’t have to control the other person to control how you feel.  Regardless of what they say or do, you get to decide how you feel.  No one else gets to choose that.  

You Can Feel Bad, As Long as You Choose It

Sometimes we WANT to be hurt when someone we love says something unkind.  That’s okay—as long as we know that we are CHOOSING to feel that way.  Our feelings are always OUR responsibility.  The power behind this is that you know you can change the thoughts that are causing you to feel terrible if you decide to.  You are not at the mercy of the other person. For more about how to handle criticism, see this article.  

Emotional Armor Doesn’t Separate Us It Connects Us

Sometimes people worry that if they stop allowing themselves to be hurt by others, they will become callous to other’s feelings or not be able to connect.  Actually, the opposite happens.  When we know we can’t be hurt unless we choose to be, we feel safe.  It allows us to take down the wall separating us from others.  And, it allows us to set down our own arrows.  We don’t have to feel defensive because we aren’t being threatened.  

Changing the War Dance

Just like in a dance, we learn how to respond to another person’s movement. When one steps forward, we step back and vice versa. This is true in emotional exchanges too. And, when we change the war dance we’re doing…often the other person changes too. Sometimes the other person puts down their arrows as well because they don’t feel threatened anymore.  Sometimes they don’t—but either way we aren’t getting hurt and we have a chance to get closer to the other person.  

How to Tear Down the Fortress

1.  Put on emotional armor by recognizing no one else can hurt your feelings.  
2.  Use your new protection to come close and re-connect.