The brain loves to categorize others and ourselves as “good” or “bad.” But there are many drawbacks to this. Learning to honestly acknowledge the good AND bad in ourselves and others can allow us to be more honest, make changes, and love ourselves and others more deeply.
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What we intend to do and the impact we have on others can be very different in race relations. Learn how to do better.
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Sometimes we think people-pleasing is kind or it will strengthen our relationship because it will avoid hurt feelings, but it never does. People pleasing is lying. Happiness and the truth always go together–even when it’s awkward.
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Uncertainty keeps us stuck replaying what ifs. One way to move through it is to decide the now is certain and decide who you want to be and what you want to do now.
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Several weeks ago our family was excited to take a trip to New York. We told the kids we could attend a Broadway show together. Not surprisingly, some of the girls disagreed about whether to go to Frozen or Lion King. In an effort to be a peacemaker, one of my daughters who wanted to go to Lion King said she was fine going to Frozen.
We had a wonderful time at Frozen, but afterwards that same daughter daughters was scowling. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was mad that we had gone to Lion King. Although she had good motives to try to be kind, she ALSO expected me to know that she didn’t want to and to act on that NOT instead of what she said.
Of course, she is just learning how to navigate the complicate world, but this incident reminded me about some excellent advice my parents gave my husband and I before we got married: “Own your words.” They explained that we often say something, but expect others to know we mean something different than what we said. My daughter said she was fine with going to Frozen, but she expected me to know that she wasn’t okay with it.
Here are just a few examples of common ways we might not own our words.
When we don’t own our words, we are essentially lying. We want to look like a nice person, but keep the indulgent emotions we feel.
This is often a recipe for resentment. Resentment can slowly destroy relationships. It’s often much more precarious than just expressing our true feelings in the moment. Not owning our words looks nice on the outside. We get “credit” for being kind, or thoughtful. But our motives and feelings don’t back up our words. This incongruity causes us to feel uncomfortable.
In order to rectify the situation, we often blame the other person for not knowing what we REALLY meant. We think they should have acted on what we meant not what we said.
There are two ways to rectify this situation.
Expressing how we really feel in the moment can feel a bit uncomfortable in the moment because the other person might not like what we say. However, when we don’t say how we feel, WE are the ones who feel uncomfortable. At first it can be easy to justify that we would rather be the ones to feel uncomfortable than making someone else feel uncomfortable and dealing with the conflict that can come from others’ disappointment or irritation.
However, we are not the only ones who are affected by our dishonesty. Over time, resentment eats away at our relationships with others. Other people are astute interpreters. They can feel our resentment even if we think we’re good at covering it up.
Honest IS always the best policy. This doesn’t mean we have to be rude, critical or insensitive…just honest.
When your spouse asks you how you are. Don’t expect them to translate your tone. Being honest could look like saying, “Thank you so much for asking. I had a difficult day. I could really use a hug and a listening ear.”
When someone asks for forgiveness we could say, “Thank you so much for your apology, it really means a lot to me. I need a little bit of time to think about this. Could we talk again in a few days?”
The second way to rectify the discrepancy between what we want to say and expect is to live into your words. If we say something, but mean something different and we find ourselves starting to blame others for not knowing what we meant, we can stop ourselves. Instead of blaming the other person, we can recognize that WE are responsible for the outcome.
When you tell your friend you’re fine going “wherever” for lunch and she suggests a place you don’t really like, you could own your words. Recognize that you weren’t honest. At that point you can correct what you meant—you can say, “I know I said I was fine with anywhere but actually I’m really feeling in the mood for Thai food.” Or, go to the restaurant the friend suggested and realize you signed up for it when you said, “I’m fine going anywhere.” We may feel disappointed, but we won’t feel resentful because we aren’t blaming the friend for not knowing what we meant but didn’t say.
When we own our words, we may feel disappointment but we don’t feel resentment towards the person because we accept responsibility for what we said.
When our spouse asks how our day was and we say fine, and later find ourselves hurt that they didn’t ask more questions and notice our discouragement, we could go back to them and say, “Thanks for asking me about my day earlier. Actually, it was a difficult day. I could really use a hug.” Or, we can accept responsibility for telling them we were “fine.” Again, we may feel disappointed they didn’t ask more, but own the fact that we didn’t tell them how we were really feeling and what we wanted.
The more we live into our words, the more likely we are to be honest the next time. When WE have to accept responsibility for our own words, we become much more likely to share how we really feel.
When we were deciding on a Broadway, my daughter felt conflicted. She wanted two things; to go to Lion King, and to be a peacemaker. Both were fair and good things. However when she said she was fine with going to Frozen, but didn’t really mean it she ended up feeling resentful at the family. In addition to disappointment, she eroded her relationship with herself a little and her relationship with the family a little. These kind of interactions repeated over and over have a big impact on your relationships.
Own your words. As you do you’ll find you have so much more mastery of yourself and you’ll build trust with others.
We can’t beat ourselves up into doing better. In fact, when we beat ourselves up–we do worse. The way to do better, is to feel better. That starts by treating ourselves with compassion and patience.
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You are suddenly homeschooling and feeling frustrated that you don’t have personal time, and people constantly need you. You might feel like you don’t want to do this. But challenge yourself on that. You DON’T have to do this. You could let the kids run wild or forget about school. If you DO want to do it. Own it. Do it from a place of want instead of a place of have to. It’s so much more fun.
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Most of us have never experienced a global pandemic. Neither of the other other humans on hearth. We’ll all be bad at learning how to manage it sometimes. It’s okay. We can have compassion on ourselves and others.
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Why do you have a to-do list–for most people it’s to be a good mom, good wife, good employee, good person. But sometimes a to-do list can cause stress and overwhelm and cause you to be the exact opposite of what you’re trying to be.
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There are three common mistakes parents make that cause kids to not what to talk. Learn what they are and what does work to help kids talk more.
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