How to Kick Working Mom Guilt

Many moms feel guilt about working. Guilt comes because we value two things at the same time and are not able to do both to the extent we want. Letting go of guilt and finding peace may require changing our actions but often it is less about changing what we’re doing, and more about changing how we think.

Working Mom Guilt

Recently I started working from home part-time. My first priority—like most mothers–is my family.  I have been exclusively a stay-at-home mom for several years, which I’ve loved. Working part-time has been a bit of a new balance for my family and has caused a variety of emotions in both my children and in me.  I LOVE what I do and I feel my work has helped me be a better mom in many ways. Yet, I have found myself feeling lots of guilt that I’m not with my children all the time.

Guilt Means We Value Two Things

Guilt is usually an indication that we value two things. I value being a mom who’s available to my children AND I value being able to make a contribution outside of, and in addition to my family. No matter how I tried to configure things, the two things I value always seemed to be robbing from the other.  I inevitably ended up feeling guilty and frustrated regardless of what I was doing.

The Guilt Trap

When I was working I felt guilty.  Even though I had a babysitter there, and I had made sure all their needs were met, I felt guilty when my three-year old started banging on the door and crying. Or when I had to put off my kids to meet a deadline.  I felt like a bad mom—and thought, “I’m not available when my kids need me.  My work is taking away from my kids in some way.”

When I was with my children full-time I often found that I became run-down, distracted and irritated. I felt resentful that people were constantly needing things and I was just giving constantly.  I’d spend lots of time picking up the house and then nag my kids to put everything away and get irritated that they didn’t do it.  I would find myself noticing small problems with my children’s behavior and stressing about them.  I would sit down to play with my daughter and enjoyed it for a few minutes but then became bored.  Sometimes I would get distracted thinking about my to-do list, or other more interesting things.  Or, I was often irritable and impatient.  Ironically, I felt guilty that I wasn’t being a good mom—even when I was spending all my time with them.

I was in a guilt trap. It seemed no matter what I did I felt guilty.  I was tired of feeling guilty.

Getting Down to the Why

In order to get some traction on this, I decided I needed to get down to WHY I wanted both things.  The motive behind our actions can be very telling.  Clean motives sound like “I want to be the kind of person who….”  “I value….etc.”  These types of motives usually reveal we are in alignment with our own values.

Motives like, “I have to….”  “I should…”  “If I don’t…”  “I’m afraid without ______ I will be _____”  “I don’t know…..” reveal that we are operating our of fear, confusion or obligation.  This usually leads to lack of fulfillment and frustration.

Whichever path I chose (working or not) I wanted to do it from a place of empowerment.

Was I working to get away from my kids?  Was I being with my kids because I was afraid my skills were too rusty and I didn’t really know what or how to contribute?  Was I afraid I couldn’t be happy without working?  Was I afraid I had to work for finances?  Am I being a mom because I feel obligated?

Why Do I Want to Be a Mom?

I want to be a mom because I believe family is why we’re here on earth.  At the end of life, when I look back, my family and my role as mother and wife will matter most.  I want to feel that I did my best:  I want to love and teach the four little spirits I have, how to be confident of their own worth, how to interact with others, how to be responsible and contributing citizens and I want to make sure they feel loved.

Why Do I Want to Work?

I want to work because I want to share some of the amazing tools I had found to help other moms access better emotional health.  When I use my mind and create, it fulfills some of my own needs which allows me to give more to my kids.  I find I don’t feel as resentful because I don’t feel I’m in a tunnel of never-ending demands.  Ironically, I find that less time with my kids helps me value the time I have with my kids more—and be all in with them when we’re together.  I find that when my brain is busy solving problems at work, I don’t feel as much of a need to nit-pick problems with the house or with my children’s behavior.  There seems to be more room for just loving them.

Breakthrough

In examining they whys of each, I had a breakthrough.  I realized that I still believed my work took away from my children in some way even though reality showed that wasn’t true.

Once I realized this I was able to re-direct my brain to two new thoughts:

  1. Offering my children a mom who is emotionally healthy will bless them infinitely more than the extra number of minutes I might spend with them.
  2. Modeling for my children how to be a healthy, integrated mom who takes care of them but also takes care of myself could be one of the most powerful things I offer them—even more powerful than any amount of minutes playing withthem.
  3. My work actually brought them a sense of identity.  They were proud of what I was doing, and interested in it.  And when I was busy it allowed them to practice being more independent and handling the disappointment of not having me there sometimes.

Finding Peace

When I redirected my mind to these thoughts, I was able to let go of the guilt. I was able to feel that my work actually benefited my children instead of taking away from them.   Ironically, without the guilt I found I showed up as a better mom AND I showed up better for work.

Working isn’t the right choice for every mom and each mom will have their own situations and challenges.  However, if you are working or want to work and feel guilty, it might help to use the guilt as information rather than a chance to rail on yourself.  Examine why you want to be with your kids and why you want to work.  You may find you want to change what you’re doing.  Either way though, own your choice and choose to live in peace instead of racking yourself with guilt.  A peaceful mom will be way more powerful than whether or not you work.

Replace Working Mom Guilt with Peace

Write out why you want to be with your kids.  Write out why you want to work.  Determine if your motives are “clean.”  If so, then make the best choice possible and own it!  Don’t keep wracking yourself in guilt.

How to Fail the Right Way

Failure doesn’t have to be a shameful, disappointing experience.  It is possible to enjoy failing.  It may sound a bit far-fetched, but it’s possible….and it’s essential to living a life where you are creating results you love.  It all comes down to how you think about failing.

Why We Don’t Like to Fail

I don’t know many people who LIKE to fail.  What is it about failure that we’re afraid of? For most people failing causes feelings of disappointment, guilt, or shame.  Since none of us like experiencing those feelings, we avoid anything that would produce them: we don’t go to the exercise class because we might look weird, we don’t talk to someone new because they might not like us, we don’t try something new because we “don’t know how.”

Failure Can Be Fun

What if failure brought a totally different set of feelings?   What if failing was motivating, fascinating, or even fun?  It can be.

My daughters and I tried to get a taxi the other day.  We live in China, but don’t speak Chinese yet.  The first empty taxi looked at us and drove right past.  The second one purposely moved to the furthest lane to avoid us.  The third one stopped, but after looking at the address, he yelled something at us in Chinese and motioned for us to get out.

At this point my girls and I were discouraged. It was hot and we were all complaining; we wanted to go home and give up. My brain kept offering me thoughts like, “Why won’t these taxis take us?”  “Is there something wrong with us?”  “This is so frustrating!”   But those thoughts caused me to feel disappointed, embarrassed and frustrated.

I wanted to set a different tone for my kids.  I said, “Let’s see how many taxis it will take to get one that will drive us.  I bet it will be nine.”  My kids perked up and took bets on how many it would be.  As the taxis drove by us it turned into a game to see who would get closest to their bet.  Eventually we got a taxi, and were on our way.   Amazingly, our spirits were high—we had fun comparing how many times it took to get a taxi versus how many we had guessed (one of my daughters won with her guess of seven).  Changing our failure into a game made it fun.

How to Fail the Right Way

Most great people have failed many times.  Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed ten thousand times.  I have not failed once.  I have succeeded in proving that those ten thousand ways will not work.”  I’m glad Thomas Edison didn’t stop when he failed.  Each time he tried something that didn’t work, he considered it helpful information that got him closer to figuring out what WOULD work.

What if we thought about failing differently? What if we thought about failing as gathering information to figure out eventually what WILL work?  What if we made it a game?

Ramit Sethi, a financial expert who has been featured in many popular news sources, has a refreshing perspective on failure.  He believes that failure is evidence that we are stretching ourselves and accomplishing all that we can.  He says he expects to fail at least 5 times per month.  If he isn’t failing, he says he’s not working hard enough.  He keeps track of his failures and uses them as evidence that he is stretching himself, learning, growing, and becoming better. If we aren’t failing on a regular basis, we probably aren’t living our lives to the fullest.

The Wrong Kind of Failure

Failing to try something or not showing up fully in the things we commit to, isn’t the kind of failure that will help us succeed. It is self-sabotage.  This type of failing drives us deeper into shame, guilt and despair.  The kind of failure that really helps us is the kind where we go all in, but don’t make it.  This kind of failure allows us to learn something, and to become stronger.

Failure Lets Us Reach Impossible Goals

The key to failing in the right way is showing up completely.  Setting difficult goals and being confident enough to fail in front of others.  When we do fail, we don’t beat ourselves up about it.  We consider our failures as information that will help us succeed—we turn failure into a game.  The upside of failing is getting huge results—results most people are too afraid to pursue or that they believe they can’t obtain: close relationships, health, success, and happiness.  Sometimes it costs a few failures, but it’s worth it.

Be Confident Enough to Fail

What are you afraid of failing at?

Change the way you think about failure.  Consider it a chance to learn what DOESN’T work and get closer to what does.  You may even consider setting a failure quota to measure how far you are stretching yourself.

How to Stop Worrying About Missing Out

Choices can be agonizing–mainly because we worry about missing out on something. This fear plagues us in many decisions we make, from the most mundane decisions to significant life choices. When we have this fear we limit our joy, no matter what choice we end up making.  There’s a simple way to stop worrying about missing out and find more joy in whatever we choose: remember that “life is long.”

The Agony of Choices

This summer my girls saved up their allowance to do a little shopping.  Because we live abroad, it is a particularly exciting prospect to go to the toy section of Target when we visit home.  The girls had wide eyes as they wandered through the aisles of bright colors and possibilities. My older girls made their selections quickly and were ready to go.

My 6-year-old, however, agonized over what to buy.  She picked up several toys, games, and dolls, and carefully studied each box.  She came to me almost in tears, unable to decide which one to buy.  She wanted all of them, but she didn’t have enough money, and she worried she might never be able to come back. Considering we don’t come to Target often, there was some legitimacy in her concern.  However, her fear of missing out on something paralyzed her and she couldn’t make a decision.

There was a part of my “mother-heart” that wanted to loan her a little money so she could get them all, but I stopped myself.  I knew this was an opportunity to learn an essential life lesson.

As human beings we constantly worry about missing out; we want to have everything, be everything, and do everything now.  Our brains tell us that if we don’t do, or have, or be everything now—we won’t be able to do, have, or be it later.  We paralyze ourselves by the fear of missing out on something.

I gave my daughter a hug and admired her selections but I did not offer her a loan.  What I did offer her was a thought that my friend Laurel Ulrich, taught me many years ago.

Life is Long

I became friends with Laurel while I lived in Boston.  Laurel is a Pulitzer Prize-winning author who wrote the book, “A Midwives Tale.”  She is a renowned professor at Harvard.  She had also raised 5 children and stayed at home with them for much of their lives.  At the time, I felt a lot of angst about trying to balance my role as a mother and professional pursuits. One day, I asked Laurel how she balanced her professional contributions, motherhood, and selfhood.  Her answer was…

“Life is long.”

I admit, at first I was a little disappointed.  I had hoped she would have some magic formula that would help me balance everything I wanted to do at the same time. Instead, this seemed like sort of a trite answer you would find on a meme.  But Laurel explained that we often think we have to do everything at once.  Life has seasons, she said, and what we focus on can change as we move through these seasons.  She emphasized that she didn’t accomplished everything all at once.  She loved being home with her children for a season, and as they got older she studied for her Ph.D., which she didn’t get until she was 42.  She won the Pulitzer Prize at 53 and became a professor at Harvard at 57.  She still teaches at 80, and she continues to enjoy mothering her adult children.

Don’t Handicap Your Joy Now

The more I thought about her advice, “life is long,” the more I liked it.  My fear that I was missing out if I didn’t do everything NOW, was preventing me from feeling joy in either mothering or my professional life.  Previously, when I was home with my kids, I would wonder what I could be doing as I compared myself to colleagues and all the amazing things they were accomplishing.  As I reminded myself that there would be enough time and opportunity to pursue both of my deep desires—to be a fully present mother and to contribute professionally—I began to relax and enjoy the time with my children more.

Likewise when I did do nutrition presentations or consultations I felt less guilty as I remembered I would get to mother my children throughout their life, not just until they left the house.  I also reminded myself that my professional pursuits would help me be a better mother to them by helping me be more balanced.  That allowed me to enjoy my work and be more effective since I spent less brain space worrying.

Attitude Matters More Than the % of Time Spent

Over the years I’ve done a variety of combinations of full-time mothering and other pursuits.  Sometimes my fear of missing out creeps up on me. But I continue to remind myself that “life Is long.”

There isn’t any one “right” way to balance all the desires and demands on us.  Women find a myriad of ways to navigate them with beautiful results—as well as messy ones!  Different women, different situations, different stages of family and motherhood may shift the balance we choose.  However feeling it all needs to happen now can create angst and rob us of the joy we are seeking in either pursuit.

Ultimately, our attitude is more important than the percentage of time we spend in any particular pursuit.  Knowing life is long can help us be satisfied now.  Joy in the now means exponentially more fulfillment in anything we do.

The Word “Eventually” Can Be Powerful

I didn’t bore my daughter with all this in the Target aisle, but I did share the essence of the wisdom Laurel Ulrich shared with me many years ago. “You don’t have enough money to get them all now,” I said, “but you’ll have other chances to come back.  As you earn more money, we can come again to the store, or even look online.  If you really want all of these toys, you can earn them eventually.  Just choose the one you would like to get most now.”

This seemed to be a relief to her.  It allowed her to make a selection without so much angst of feeling like she was missing out.

When you start to feel like you are missing out and you notice it is diminishing your joy, remember…life is long.

Be Confident You Can Do It All…Eventually

What do you worry you are missing out on? Do you struggle to find the balance between personal or professional development and mothering?

Write a list of all the things you desire to be and do.  It is possible to do many of the things you’d love to do, but maybe not all at once.  Not doing it now, doesn’t mean you are missing out.  What would be most worthwhile to pursue NOW, and what could be some things to pursue eventually?

YOU Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For

What are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for your spouse to stop being so critical or help out more?  Are you waiting for your kids to start being more respectful? Are you waiting for someone to invite you over and reach out to you?  Are you waiting for a job offer to come back?  Are you waiting to lose weight?  Are you waiting for someone to change the curriculum at school or someone to who shares your value system to run for political office?  Most of us are waiting for something.  Whatever you’re waiting for, I have great news.

YOU are the one you’ve been waiting for!

It’s easy to feel that we are at the mercy of others for things to change.  I want to remind you that YOU have tremendous power to change your relationships just by changing YOU and the way you think about them and by being brave to take action.   Here are examples of two women I admire, who chose to BE the change they were waiting for:

Change Yourself Instead of Trying to Change Others

First, several years ago a woman shared with me once that she was very embarrassed by the way her husband acted in social situations.  He was awkward and seemed to say things that only he found funny.  For many years she bit her lip but inwardly felt humiliated.  Sometimes she even tried to ‘clean things up’ for him socially.  Ultimately she realized her embarrassment about social situations was eroding her own relationship with him.

She decided that she wanted to be proud to be with him, no matter how he acted.  So, when he was awkward and made his jokes SHE decided to be the one who laughed.  She began to wonder what HE found so funny about his jokes.  Over time she began to seem more humor in them and she even found enjoyment in watching him enjoy himself.  She sincerely began to enjoy being with him more in social situations, and she found herself falling back in love with her husband.  Interestingly others relaxed and seemed to enjoy her husband’s jokes more as well. That was a nice bonus, but by then it didn’t matter as much because she sincerely enjoyed him regardless.  SHE was the one she’d been waiting for.

Change Your Environment Instead of Complaining About It

The second example is even more recent.  In 2016 around the time of the US Presidential election, Sharleen Mullins Glenn was feeling frustrated and concerned about the corruption and self-interest she saw on the political stage.  She kept wishing something would change, and that someone would do something about it.  Finally, she prayed to know what SHE could do.  The answer that came was to start, “Mormon Women for Ethical Government;” an on-line community of women who are concerned about ethical values in US governance and policy.  They are non-partisan advocates for honor, decency and accountability in politics. In just a short time it has grown to over 6,000 members and has representation all of the US and even the world.  They have been able to write press releases, hold rallies, talk to legislators and advocate for policy changes.    She chose to BE the one who she was waiting for.

Change Your Perspective

The first time we lived in China I was shocked at how people behaved in public places.  Trying to get on an elevator felt like a Herculean event, especially with young children.  The minute the doors opened, people began pushing and shoving and elbowing their way to the front.  There was no respect for lines or who was waiting first. It was survival of the fittest and whoever was the biggest bully won!  It felt rude and disrespectful to me.  One time I will never forget was trying to get off the plan after 24 hours of traveling alone with 3 young children; an anxious 5 year old, a busy toddler and a new baby.  I had survived the flight and was trying to get my luggage from the overhead compartment while helping a crying newborn in my front pack and trying to keep my toddler from running off.  Before the plane had even stopped.  People were up in the isles shoving each other to get off the plane.  When I tried to stand up people knocked me over and my daughter got shoved up against the seat.  Not one person stopped to let me get out.  We had to wait until every person got off the plane.  This might be fine if it is simply a short trip.  But his was my every day.  I could not understand it and it began to affect my experience living in China.

While we were living there I read the book, Wild Swans, which details the true story of 3 generations of women from a woman who was a concubine, to her daughter who was part of the cultural revolution, to her daughter who became a modern, educated woman and immigrated to the US.  Through it I learned much of the recent history of China over the last century.  Not just the facts and dates–but the emotional toll it took on people.  For example, I read about when the government asked many of the big thinkers for criticisms telling them they would be rewarded for improving the country.  Then, he punished them by imprisoning them, relegating them to rural labor or forcing them to leave the country.  Others were forced to give names of family members that the government would punish in return for sparing their own jobs.  These are just a few examples, but I began to see how a culture of self preservation had prospered here.  I understood how people could push each other down getting to the elevator or off the plane. They knew that to survive they must depend on themselves.  They knew that trusting others might be dangerous.  While I don’t espouse this type of social pattern, understanding it from a different perspective helped me feel less frustrated when I was in those types of situations.  Increasing my information on the subject helped change my perspective about it, and I felt less frustrated.  I was the change I’d been waiting for.  They weren’t going to change any time soon.  See All Things Brave and Beautiful for more perspectives on changing the way you see things.

Be the One You’re Waiting For

What are you waiting for?

Whatever change you’ve been waiting for, YOU can make it happen.  Change yourself instead of waiting for others to change.  Change your environment instead of waiting for others to do it.  If you don’t know how, ask God and get moving.  The world needs you.   Your friends and family need you.  YOU need you.  Stop waiting, and be the one who makes it happen.  You’ll be so glad you did.