One of my clients told me she believed she was a, “bad mom.”  Many moms can relate; most of us think that sometimes. I certainly do.  Somehow it seems like a helpful thing to think—like we’re noticing the fact that we’re not living up to who we want to be.  It’s almost as though our brain thinks if we think that thought enough, suddenly we’ll become a better mom!  

Here’s the rub.  The thought “I’m a bad mom” doesn’t help us become a better mom.  In fact, what’s fascinating is that it does the opposite. Think about it.  How do you feel when you think that thought?  Discouraged?  Guilty? Hopeless?  Exhausted?  

Believing You’re a Bad Mom Can Make You One

Those feelings don’t usually drive us to run out and hug our children, spend time with them, support them and do the other things we think a “good mom” should do.  What most of us do when we feel those feelings) is to distract ourselves.  We take a nap, go shopping, eat chocolate or watch Netflix.  

My client said she felt so discouraged about being a bad mom she was spending a lot of her time scrolling on her phone on social media and watching shows on Netflix.  Then, she felt guilty that she was not getting housework done or spending time with her kids because she was on her phone!  

In other words, the thought “I’m a bad mom,” was actually keeping her from being the mom she wanted to be.   Once she realized this, she wanted to change the way she was thinking.  But she didn’t believe there was any other way to see it.  

Thoughts are Like Lawyers

Our thoughts are like little lawyers.  They constantly collect new evidence to support their case. If we believe we are a “bad mom,” we’ll notice everything that supports that belief.  The result is we amass huge quantities of evidence about the things we believe so they feel true.   I asked her to list all the reasons she was a bad mom.  She could only think of a few things.

Evidence for Being a Bad Mom

1. Not making dinner
2. Not helping with homework
3. Not spending quality time with her kids

Consider Opposing Evidence

One way to challenge our thoughts is to theoretically take it to the courtroom and consider evidence on both sides.   The brain is so busy collecting evidence to support it’s case that it rarely considers evidence on the other side unless prompted.  

Then I asked her to list all the evidence she was a “good” mom.  She was silent. Finally, she said, I can’t think of anything.  Isn’t it interesting how our brains filter out things that isn’t evidence for our beliefs?  

Evidence for Being a Good Mom

I offered her a few ideas.  Did you leave your family and move out this week?  No.  Did you beat your children? No.  Did you make sure they got food and clothing? Yes. Did you drive your children anywhere this week?  Yes, I took my daughter to a Dr. Appointment.  Soon she began to list several things she had done.  

1. Reading scriptures with her children every night
2. Putting on a scouting event
3. Filling out permission slips
4. Giving her kids hugs
5. Doing guided reading with her daughter and more

After the session she emailed me with more evidence she had found scrolling through pictures on her phone from the week.  Once her brain realized maybe she was a good mom, it went to work finding evidence for the new belief.

Good Evidence Outweighs the Bad

The evidence FOR her being a good mom was way longer and way stronger than the evidence against it. Her brain just filtered out all the good stuff because she was so focused on the bad stuff. She said, “I just can’t get over how crazy it is that I couldn’t think of anything I had done well! It seems so obvious that I DID do good things this week.”

Of course she did.  And so do you.  And–your lists don’t have to look like either of hers.

You are an amazing mom.  Your brain may have a thick file of evidence to the contrary—but there is abundant evidence that you are a great mom as well.  You can prove it by taking your brain to court.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Take Your Brain to Court

1. List all the evidence that you were a bad mom this week (You might be surprised, it’s not as long as you think).
2. List all the evidence that you were a good mom this week.  If you feel stuck, look at pictures, ask your husband or your kids, look at your planner.  (There’s probably more evidence than you can list.)