Although many of us chose to be mothers and wives on purpose, being a deliberate mother or wife requires constant recommitment to our roles. The simple act of articulating our commitment can change the way we feel and may even change our relationships.
Trapped in India
Last week I took a trip to India with some friends. It was an amazing trip, but I really missed my kids and my husband! On the last day, I started getting so excited to see them, hug them, and get to be part of their daily life again. When I got to the airport counter, I realized my passport and visa were missing. I looked everywhere. Gone. The airline staff would not allow me to board the plane without them.
I was trapped by myself in India until I could get a new passport and visa to get home.
During the time I was stuck, I had a lot of time to think. I had been away from family before, but it was the first time I had ever been prevented by someone else from being with my family. I felt so helpless.
Wishing I Could Be With Family
While stuck in India, I dearly missed my 3-year-old resting her head on my shoulder. I missed my 6-year-old’s excitement when she gets home from school and tells me all about her day. I missed my 9-year-old’s thoughtful questions and insights about the world and I missed the way she makes us laugh. I missed hearing beautiful music from my 11-old on the piano and violin and watching her creativity as she plays with neighborhood friends.
I did not, however, particularly miss the more challenging parts of my days as a mom. Like the moments when I am so frustrated with my children’s whining that all I want to do is go in my room and shut the door. Or the times I become overwhelmed when everyone needs help at the same time and I lose my temper (as if they are wronging me in some way by all needing something simultaneously). Or, when I wish I could be doing something more interesting than playing blocks and filling water bottles and driving carpools. (I admit that sometimes I get distracted and check my text messages or put on a podcast when I’m with my kids instead of being fully present.)
I Chose This
As I reflected about what I missed about my kids, I found myself thinking: “I wanted to be a mom. I chose to have my children on purpose. I chose to be at home with them on purpose. I chose this life! I love this life!” But I also realized that in my more difficult moments I sometimes forget that I chose this life. It’s not so much that I choose NOT to be a mom in challenging moments I just start to feel out of control—my brain starts to believe everything is happening TO me. There are many competing demands coming at me and I’m just trying to re-act. It feels overwhelming, uncomfortable and unpleasant sometimes. Sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck doing something I don’t want to be doing. Sometimes I feel like my children are making my life hard. Sometimes (subconsciously) I begin to feel like I’m a victim who deserves something better (like children who obey, or less traffic, or a full time cook!).
Do I Continually Choose This on Purpose?
In many areas of our lives we have periodic events that help us renew commitments. For example, I go to the dentist every 6 months and get my teeth checked which reminds me to recommit to dental hygiene. We pay rent or a mortgage payment each month, which reminds us we are choosing to live in that apartment or home. With our careers, we have yearly performance reviews and renew our contract periodically. We also have these renewing events on our spiritual journeys: Christians take the sacrament or communion to renew their commitment to follow Christ, Hindus participate in fasts, Buddhists offer food as a sacrifice to show their devotion and earnestness. All of these events and rituals give us a chance to stop, reflect, and choose to renew our commitments.
So what do we do to renew our commitment to motherhood or being a wife? These are two of our most important roles, yet it’s easy stop deliberately “choosing” them; instead, we feel we are simply reacting to them or surviving in our roles.
Purposefully Choosing to Be a Mom in All the Moments
As I waited in India for a new passport and visa I dearly missed my husband and my kids. I missed being part of their lives each day. Life felt hollow without them. I couldn’t control whether or not I was with my family. I felt trapped NOT being with them.
In my hotel room I recommitted myself to being a wife and mom on purpose—even in the difficult moments. I recommitted to showing up as the best mom and wife I could be. I promised myself I wanted to be more present with my family and own all the parts of being a mom and a wife. I realized that this included choosing the not-so-pleasant parts too. I wanted to choose this role and deliberately be the mom I wanted to be, not just react to what happened to me each day.
Deliberate Motherhood
A few days later, with the help of some amazing people at the U.S. Embassy in New Delhi and some divine intervention, I was able to get a new passport and visa and fly home to my family. It was such a sweet reunion and I loved being back with the people who matter most to me.
In the days since, I’ve been trying to remind myself: “I chose this, and I’m continuing to choose this.”
Choosing The Good
In the wonderful moments, like when we’re all snuggled up for movie night, when we’re having a discussion at family dinner, or when the kids are playing happily, it’s been easy to say “I choose this!” Realizing that I’m renewing my commitment to choosing motherhood adds additional significance to the wonderful moments.
Choosing The Bad
When I feel bored playing Polly Pockets or changing my baby’s diaper and I think “I choose this,” Suddenly my boredom is replaced with gratitude. I notice little things l love like: my baby’s fat rolls on her wrists, the darling way she uses “y” instead of “l”, the tender way she wraps her arms around me and says “I love you.” As I feel more gratitude, I naturally want to engage more and show up as the mom I love to be.
When I think “I choose this” when I offer to let my husband sleep in because he’s had a long week at work, I get to enjoy being up early instead of feeling resentful. I feel like I’m in control and choosing to do it because I want to, not because I have to. That makes all the difference in feeling joy about it, and feeling connected to my husband through it.
Choosing the Ugly
Saying “I choose this” when my kids are all needy after coming home from school has been more challenging. But I’ve found that it takes the frustration out of my tone and I feel more connected to my kids when I’m helping them because I’m consciously choosing to do it. Instead of feeling all their demands are coming at me and I just have to try to receive and meet them, I feel like I’m the actor. I’m in control. I’m the one choosing to meet their needs because I want to. This feel empowering and I can calmly and clearly think and act to meet their needs in a way I feel confidant about later.
When my kids are whining refusing to help with chores, I’ve been trying to think “I choose this.” Instead of going to my thoughts of frustration about how my kids are making my life hard–I’m able to access my creativity think more about how I can teach them cleaning can be fun and rewarding. Instead of feeling like a victim, I feel like a leader.
The Power of Choosing
Saying “I choose this,” even when it’s not your ideal version of the situation stops the feeling that things are out of your control. It stops the feeling that you are a victim. That you are trapped. It gives the power back to you! Feeling empowered, we have better access to emotions like; gratitude, job, creativity, calmness, and leadership. Not only do I feel better in the moment when I chose it, I feel better in the long run about how I show up as a mom or a wife. Choosing is powerful.
Be a Mom on Purpose
Feelings like resentment, boredom, irritation, or blame can be good indications that you feel you are just reacting to your circumstances. When is the last time you felt resentful, bored, irritated, or overwhelmed as a mom or wife?
Next time you feel this way, try to notice the thoughts you are choosing to think. Consider replacing your thoughts with the phrase: “I choose this.” Choosing on purpose can change the way you feel about your situation and when you feel different–everything else changes too.
