Evacuation

Our family was evacuated from our home in China a few days ago.  In the wake of the Coronavirus outbreak, the State Department mandated that all family members of the Consulate community return to the United States temporarily. So, in a couple of days we packed up our house, left our school, work, church, and community there to move to Washington, DC .  

We are thankful to be in a safe place, to be together as a family, and to be healthy.  Our hearts are with the Chinese people and others still in China—we are praying for them through this difficult time.  However, quickly leaving behind our life there, with no certain return date, has also brought some stress, uncertainty, disappointment, and exhaustion. 

As our family has been packing, traveling, dealing with jet lag, waiting out a quarantine, and beginning to put together a new life in the middle of the school year, I have been thinking about bamboo… 

Bamboo

In Asia, people often bring bamboo as a housewarming gift. Asians love bamboo because it is both unusually strong and incredibly flexible.  In the winter, heavy snow weighs down bamboo trees.  However, as the falls off, the bamboo snaps back up to its full height.  With its strength and flexibility, bamboo is a beautiful symbol of resilience.

I love this metaphor of bamboo bouncing back after hardship—we can learn a lot from the characteristics that allow bamboo to be so strong and resilient.  I will share four characteristics of bamboo that allow it to be resilient and offer a few thoughts about how these ideas could be applied to help us be resilient during challenges.  At the end of each section I will share a question that can help us develop our resilience.  

1.  Strength

Bamboo has an unusually strong exterior—its exterior fibers are very dense and hard.  Bamboo is two to three times stronger than timber.  It is more durable AND lighter than maple wood—which is one of the densest hardwoods.  It is stronger than steel, and bamboo can withstand compression better than concrete.  Without this tough exterior, bamboo could easily be crushed or damaged.  One of the reasons bamboo can withstand stress so well is that without knots like most wood has, the stress is evenly distributed over the entire surface.   

The Weight of Challenges

When we are loaded down with a challenge, the first thing we tend to notice is how heavy and hard it is.  This is normal.  What we do afterthat is what determines our strength.  We most likely want to put the load down, or hand it to someone else.  But trying to get rid of our challenges often doesn’t work, and even if we manage to somehow to avoid the challenge, we lose credibility with ourselves.  

Strength from Confidence

Our ability to be strong in difficulty comes from our confidence that we can handle hard things.  One way we can improve our confidence is by looking back on our lives and thinking about hard things we’ve handled in the past.  This can help us remember that we have grit, and that things get better. 

Luckily, we’ve moved many more times than I can even count during our marriage.  I’ve come to know that at first, moving is hard.  It takes time to get to know a new place and build friendships.  However, I know that in every place we’ve lived, we’ve adjusted.  I know it works out.  This gives me confidence that it won’t be hard forever.  

Strength from Self-Confidence

Sometimes however, we confront a challenge we’ve never faced before.  This makes it harder to draw on specific experiences from our past.  But we can still draw on the belief that we are strong and we can handle much more than we think we can.  This is self-confidence, which is different than confidence from our past experiences.  We can trust ourselves to keep trying even if we fail.  See article.

Rely on God’s Strength

In addition, we can lean on God—knowing we can do all things through Him.  This is our ultimate source of strength.  

I love this question to help us recognize and channel our strength to endure hard things:  

Question #1:  What experiences and talents and resources do I have that make me strong enough to handle this situation?

2. Flexibility

As strong as bamboo is, it is also very flexible.  Bamboo is empty inside.  If the bamboo were solid all the way through, it would snap much more easily when it bends. Its hollow center allows it to move without losing its integrity.  Homes made of bamboo have been reported to withstand 9.0 magnitude earthquakes!

How We Resist

During difficult times it is common to resist what is happening.  We ruminate on what we’ve lost and think about what we WISH things would be like. We compare our life now to what it was or could be like.  We often seem to act like if we resist hard enough somehow our life will go back to how it was.  

Our family has found ourselves wishing we could stay in China and continue our lives there.  It’s easy to get discouraged when we think about all we had to leave behind. My kids in particular have felt a lot of disappointment.  One daughter had put in many hours practicing for the school play—and now may not get to perform.  Another daughter had just been accepted to a multi-school book competition for which she had prepared.  And One daughter had been saving money for a class trip that she now may miss.  

With all of these disappointments fresh in our minds, it’s easy to begin to compare our life here to our life there. Here, we are currently quarantined in a small apartment and not able to get out, let alone participate in similar activities that we enjoyed in China.  

Resisting Reality Makes Us Breakable

While all of these disappointments are real, the more we ruminate on them and compare our “current” and “former” lives, the more miserable we feel. We also have  less energy to adapt to our new life because we are spending our energy on resisting.  Byron Katie says, “When you resist reality, you lose—but only every time.”  While it’s natural to resist change, it isn’t helpful.  Being willing to move with changes, even when they are difficult, allows us to be more resilient.  

Open Centers Allow Flexibility

It’s interesting to watch bamboo.  Because of their hollow centers and light weight, they sway with the wind—they don’t resist it like an oak tree would. Because of this, they don’t have to spend their energy resisting.  

We can learn a lesson from bamboo.  Instead of trying to keep our expectations and desires the same even during difficult things, we can accept change.  What if we allowed ourselves to move emotionally along with the difficulty, as bamboo moves with the wind?  How would it change our experience?  

Let Go of the Old to Make Space for the New

As humans we can increase our flexibility by being a bit more open, just like bamboo.  We can be willing to let our old ideas and expectations go and fill ourselves with new desires and thoughts.  

One way we can let go of our old expectations is to process the disappointment.  This isn’t the same as blaming, or wishing the situation was different.  It simply means acknowledging the disappointment and allowing it.  See article.  If the emotion isn’t acknowledged it will continue to resurface until it is processed.  

When we told our kids we were going to move to Washington for a while there was a lot of disappointment and concern.  I grabbed my white board and asked the kids to help me list everything they were disappointed about.  I told them that I felt disappointed too.  They appreciated the desire to express their feelings.  There is something validating about just feeling heard.  

Be Willing to See Differently

One way to describe being open, or empty, is to be willing to see our situation in a different way.  When we see or think about things differently it allows us to feel differently about them.  This can change our whole experience—it can allow us to be more resilient because we feel less resistant to the change.  

After we had a chance to list on the whiteboard about all the things we were disappointed about, we went through the list again.  I asked the kids to think about each of the items on the list.  Was there any other way to see these things differently?  

For example, the kids said that they would miss seeing their friends at school.  When I asked them if there was any other way to see this, they said they would also get to see some good friends in DC!  As we went through the list, the kids came up with all sorts of creative ways to think about the things they were disappointed about.  In fact, about half way down the list, one of my daughters said, “Mom I’m not disappointed anymore.”  Another daughter said, “Mom can we start making a list of things that we’re excited about?”  

Thinking about things differently can be powerful.   As we allow ourselves to acknowledge and process our feelings and are willing to think differently about our situation, we are better able to stop resisting and move with the challenge.  This frees up energy that we can use to deal with the issue, instead of resist it.  

I love this question to help us bend to difficulty without breaking, like bamboo:

Question #2:  How can I see this differently? Or, how is this situation perfect for me?

3. Connected Roots

Bamboo tend to grow in clumps.  Their roots grow horizontally and intermingle with roots of other bamboo—this gives them incredible strength.  

The Tendency to Disconnect

Often when I am feeling discombobulated and vulnerable—the last thing I want to do is show my inadequacies to others.  When I’m not at my best it’s hard to want to broadcast that to others.  Ironically, however, when we retract into ourselves we begin to wilt.  A single bamboo—even with all its amazing properties, will not have the same strength and resilience as a cluster of bamboo that has intertwining roots that support each other.  

Connection Provides Stability

This is an important lesson for us during difficulty. We need others.  Human connection grounds us and provides essential stability. 

As things were evolving with the virus in China, and all of us were quarantined in our homes, some of my neighbors and I had a text group. We shared how we were feeling, questions we had, ideas about how to entertain our kids, and encouragement. As the situation has become more global, many of our friends around the world have been thoughtful enough to reach out and see how we’re doing.  

When we arrived to DC we were inundated with kindness, including emails and texts from people wanting to help and get together with us. One friend brought lunch over and even brought small jars to fill up spices because she knew it was expensive to buy spices for a temporary move!  My sister-in-law offered to drop off Chick-Fil-A, one of our family’s favorite things that we don’t get abroad.  Other friends offered to buy groceries for us, bring toys, provide a place to stay, and many other kind gestures.  

These small acts of kindness provided a feeling of belonging and love that has given us stability during a time of upheaval and change. 

I love this question to help us explore how we can develop stability like bamboo:

Question #3:  How can I use this experience to connect with others?

4.  Rapid Growth

Bamboo are among the fastest-growing plants in the world.  While most trees require 30-50 years to regenerate their full mass, a bamboo pole can regenerate in just six months.  Some bamboo species have been measured to grow four feet in 24 hours!  In addition, if a bamboo tree is damaged or cut, it will regenerate.  

Growing Can Be Hard

Growth requires energy and time and change. All of these things are often lacking during difficult times.  We often feel we conserve resources when we are under duress.  However, as we are deliberate about evolving to a better version of ourselves through our experiences, the experience itself becomes less painful and more tolerable because the growth is so exciting and fulfilling.  

Difficulty Is Ideal for Rapid Growth

As challenging as difficult times are, as I look back on my life I’ve seen that it’s usually through trials that I grow the most.  Having our lives shaken up can provide an important impetus to reconfigure and to grow in order to survive.  Growth isn’t a natural outgrowth of trials.  It’s possible to become bitter and frustrated instead. Using a trial to grow requires deliberate effort.    

Our kids have been waking up at 2 or 3 a.m. because of jetlag.  Our little ones can only entertain themselves for a few minutes before needing help.  My husband and I are exhausted trying to help them all through the night. The other night my husband got up and helped our kids while I rested.  I assumed he would come back and switch me so he could get some sleep. But instead he just stayed up with them so I could rest.  It was so thoughtful.  I have been thinking about this small act of kindness and wondering how I can be more kind and unselfish during this time – not in spite of this situation but because of it.  

I consider sleep essential to my health and happiness—so it isn’t something I relinquish readily.  I knew my husband needed sleep too–and I wanted to be the kind of wife who let him sleep too.  So, the next night, I got up with our kids.  I tried to be patient instead of irritated with them during the night.  I didn’t wake my husband up.  And the next day I made an extra effort to be cheerful more often instead of letting myself respond with my the raw emotions I felt from limited sleep. It became sort of a personal challenge which made the sleep deprivation and situation a lot more interesting.  

I love this question to help us grow from our challenges and see the benefit of the hard experiences:

Question #4:  How can I become a better version of myself through this experience?

Be More Resilient Like Bamboo

As we become more like bamboo by focusing on our strength, allowing ourselves to be open and flexible mentally and emotionally, building a support system by connecting with others, and allowing ourselves to grow through the experience, we become resilient.  We are able to eventually stand to our full height, which will be taller than it was when we were bent by the load of the challenges we bear.  

Four Questions to Help Yourself Be More Resilient

1. What experiences and talents and resources do I have that make me strong enough to handle this?
2. How can I see this differently? Or, how is this perfect for me?
3. How can I use this experience to connect with others?
4. How can I become a better version of myself through this experience?