When I began my coach certification, one of my mentors gave us some advice, “Be willing to be bad at coaching in the beginning.”  Each week, we had to take turns coaching in front of an instructor who gave us feedback in front of our colleagues—and often the feedback was how we could improve.  I did not want to be “bad.”  It was discouraging and embarrassing.    But the fact was—the more I coached, the more I learned.  I had to go through bad to get to better.  

Why We Don’t Want to Be Bad at Things

As adults, most of us, don’t like to be “bad” at things.  There seems to be an unwritten rule that by the time you’re an adult, you should be “good” at things.  And if you’re not, you should leave them to others who are good at them.  

We don’t like the unpleasant emotions associated with being bad at something; embarrassment, awkwardness, and frustration.  So, if we can’t accomplish it without avoiding these feelings, many of us don’t attempt it.  

It’s ironic that we think for some reason that we should learn the majority of our skills in our first 20 years of life. People live up to 5 times that long. There is so much time to learn and grow. Why is it that it’s okay for a child to fall down trying to walk but it’s not okay for an adult to stumble in public speaking?  Why is it we don’t judge a child for attempting a puzzle and taking several tries (and still getting it wrong) but we judge a neighbor or ourselves for starting a business that failed?  

We see attempting to walk and learn how to do a puzzle as a process of leaning—yet we see the stumble in speaking and the business fail as a judgement of capability.  The truth is, they aren’t any different.  The only way to become good at something is to be bad at it first. 

The Problem with Avoiding Being Bad at Things

When we don’t want to be “bad” at something we often end up trying to posture and pretend to be good at something, or we get frustrated and quit or worst of all—we never even attempt it. 

Pretending

When we pretend instead of just admitting we aren’t good at something, we waste time posturing and worrying what others think.  Others are keen observers of intent and honesty and ironically trying to fake competence actually does make us look bad.  

In contrast, when we’re willing to admit (to ourselves and others) that we aren’t good at something, people are often very open to helping.  My husband had a new work colleague in his office that he was helping train.  The colleague said, “I know I’ll be bad at this since I’m new—please just correct me.”  My husband said he was more than happy to help and appreciated his openness. 

Quitting

When we think we should be good at something immediately and we aren’t, we become easily frustrated and give up quickly. Ironically, we don’t want to feel bad—so we quit in order to feel better.  However, we end up feeling bad that we quit.  

Accepting that being bad is part of the process can allow you do endure longer.  My husband has spent two years studying Mandarin full time.  One of his instructors shared with him that the difference between students who become excellent and those who don’t are those who are willing to speak Mandarin even when they make lots of mistakes.  Being willing to be “bad” at something allows us to stick with it long enough to become good at it.  

Too Afraid to Try

Sometimes we don’t even try if we’re afraid we’ll be “bad” at something.   We don’t want to feel embarrassed or judged by others.  I have a client who plays the piano.  However, she is so worried about being “bad” or making a mistake when she plays that she doesn’t play in public.  Not only is she losing the opportunity to get better, but she is missing out on an opportunity to contribute with her talents. Contribution is one of the most fulfilling things we can do with our talents.  We rob ourselves of feeling “good” when we try to avoid feeling “bad.”

Benefits of Being Willing to Be Bad at Things

When you are willing to accept that you may be bad at something, it opens you up   to all sorts of possibilities.  We can stick with something long enough to become good at it.  We can have the opportunity of contributing with our talent and helping others.  This is also a powerful exercise for looking at your relationship with yourself and others. How closely do you link your abilities to your worth?  How much do you care about what others think?  Being bad at something is a great way to discover how you really feel about these questions.  And it’s never too late to alter your answers.  

How to Be More Willing to Be Bad at Things

There are a few things you can do to improve your tolerance for being “bad” at something.  

1. Mind Your Own Business

What others think about you isn’t your business—it’s theirs.  It’s a powerful place to be able to allow others to have whatever opinion they want about you and be okay with it.  You don’t have to be callous or narcissitic about it.  You can decide that it’s okay if they think you are awkward or silly or a “beginner.”  

2. Have Your Own Back

Often our own worst critic is ourselves. We taunt ourselves and beat up on ourselves much more severely than most people outside of us would.  One way to change your inner critic is to decide you have your own back.  Choose to encourage yourself instead of criticize yourself.  This sounds like “That didn’t work.  I wonder what I can do differently next time,” instead of “I totally messed that up, what’s wrong with me?”

3. Look at The Whole Process

It’s easy to think about a skill as something you are or are not good at.  But any skill acquisition is a process.  As we look at our abilities as part of a process of becoming better it can help us have patience to keep working at it.  

4. Separate What You Do and Who You Are

The other day my daughter was discouraged with a drawing she was trying to make.  It wasn’t coming together as she had hoped and she ran to her room discouraged.  She said, “I’m a terrible artist.”  This is a subtle thing many of us do.  We take a single incident and extrapolate it to define who we are.  The truth is—it was just a drawing she was discouraged about it.  It didn’t indicate if she was a good artist or not.  Even great painters often have to scrap paintings sometimes.  It can help to separate out the behavior and yourself.  

As you learn to allow others to have their own opinions, learn to be your own encouragement instead of critic, look your capability as evolving instead of complete and separate your skill level from your character you’ll open yourself to so many more possibilities.  You’ll be able to become good at more things—because you were willing to be bad.  

How to Be Okay with Being Bad at Things

1.  Accept that others my judge—and that’s okay.
2. Get your own back no matter what.
3. Look at the whole process not just the present.
4. Separate what you do and who you are.