This morning one of my daughters told another daughter the freckles on her self-portrait looked red. Immediately the other daughter was offended and shot back, “That’s so rude! The face on yours looks creepy.” The back-and-forth continued to escalate until I intervened.
After I calmed the girls down, we talked about two questions that have been helpful for me to ask myself when I’ve been criticized:
- Is what they are saying true or partly true?
- Do I want to do something about it?
I then asked my daughter, “Do you think it’s true that the freckles you drew look red?” She said “Yeah, I guess they do.” Then I asked her “Do you want to make a change to the freckles?” She said she was fine with how they looked, and we were able to move on…without the drama.
Why Do We Feel So Bad When Someone Criticizes Us?
Where someone criticizes us, we often have a negative and defensive reaction. But these feelings are unnecessary. We experience negativity after receiving criticism because one of two things happens: (Show Model of default responses)
Both of these automatic responses leave us feeling negative, and both responses damage our relationships.
Make Space
You can spare yourself and others a lot of negativity by placing a little space between the criticism and your reaction to it. In that space, ask yourself the two questions above. That will allow you to decide if there is some truth in the criticism, decide what you want to make it mean, and then decide how you want to respond.
How to Deal with Criticism in a Helpful Way
Here is what it can look like when you ask these questions and are more deliberate in your response. (Show second model)
We will look at both of the questions to understand why they help us shift our mindset about the criticism and how they allow us to use the criticism in a productive way to improve ourselves and our relationships.
Question Number One: Is there truth in this criticism?
Criticisms Often Contain Truth
Criticism often contains at least an element of truth. However, it can be difficult to accept this truth because the criticism is unsolicited or because it’s humiliating to have our inadequacies pointed out. Sometimes we feel defensive because the manner it is presented in is harsh or unkind.
However, if we choose to ignore criticism or worse—criticize back, we miss an important opportunity.
Criticism can be helpful. It can be a catalyst to improve ourselves, reflect on our choices and strengthen our relationships. However, it requires some deliberate effort to respond in helpful way.
Accepting the Truth in Criticism Can Help Dispel Negativity
One of my clients was frustrated that her husband would come home after work and express irritation about their messy house. She felt defensive when he said this and often snapped at him. Both of them ended up feeling terrible.
I asked her question number one: “Do you think the house is messy?” She said, “Yes.” I pointed out that she agreed with the very thing she was angry at her husband for verbalizing. Just having the realization that there was truth in his criticism helped to dispel some of her frustration about the situation.
Next, we looked at what she was making his comment mean. She said when her husband came home and said the house was a mess, she felt inadequate–like she wasn’t being the mom or wife she wanted to be. She also felt angry because she felt like her husband didn’t appreciate all she was doing every day.
Then, I asked her question number two: “Do you want to change how you manage the house?”
At first, she said yes. But as we assessed what she would have to give up in order to keep the house clean she changed her mind. She said she cleaned in the morning. In the afternoon, she spent time with her kids and made a healthy dinner for her family. As she considered all of her priorities, she decided she didn’t want to give up time with her kids even though the house would be cleaner.
I pointed out that instead of making her husband’s comment about the messy house mean she was inadequate, she could use his comment as proof that she was living her priorities. In thinking about it, she realized she was okay with a messy house in the evenings.
Evaluating her husband’s criticism in this way allowed her to see herself in a new way.
It also changed the way she responded to her husband the next time he made a comment about the messy house. Because she was feeling confident instead of inadequate, she was able to respond in a calm and compassionate way, “You’re right, it IS a mess. I decided to play with the kids this afternoon and make dinner instead of cleaning again.” This took her husband off guard and dispelled the negative feelings. She was surprised to discover that her husband was thankful that she had spent time with their kids instead of cleaning.
Evaluating the truth in others’ criticism allows us to stop hiding and stop blaming. Then we can choose how to respond.
Sometimes Criticism Is NOT True
Recognizing the truth in criticism can be helpful. However, sometimes criticism ISN’T true. Recognizing this can be just as helpful as accepting the truth in criticism.
When we feel unfairly accused of something, we tend to feel angry, irritated, and resentful. But sometimes people don’t understand the whole situation. People can be hasty to jump to conclusions or may simply be trying to elevate themselves by putting others down.
When we can clearly recognize that criticism is false, we don’t have to feel hurt by it. If a stranger walked up to you and said, “Your nose is purple,” you likely wouldn’t be offended. You’d probably shrug and think it was odd. You KNOW that isn’t true. If you know it isn’t true, there’s no reason why it should hurt.
In fact, instead of being hurt by the criticism, it might cause you to feel curiosity or even compassion for the other person. You might ask yourself: “I wonder why that person said that?” Or, “Wow it must be tough to see the world that way. That’s a challenging way to live.” If others are making unfair criticisms it often says much more about them than it does about you.
Recognizing When Criticism Isn’t True Can Reduce Negativity
One of my first jobs was at a bagel shop. One day, one of my co-workers said, “You are so fake.” At the time, I was confused and hurt by the comment. I felt self-conscious and tried not to be “fake,” even though I wasn’t sure what she even meant!
In retrospect, I realize her criticism was totally wrong. I enjoyed being at work and I liked interacting with the customers. My attitude seemed to irritate her—she often complained about her job and tried to do the least amount possible.
Looking back, a good response would have been to recognize that what she said wasn’t true. I was acting authentically to how I felt. In fact, when I tried to act in a way that didn’t seem fake to my co-worker…I WAS fake, making her criticism true.
One thought I have found helpful to free myself from the crippling effects of others’ judgement is to think “It’s okay if that person is wrong about me.” You can read more about an experience I had with this concept this in this article.
Most of the negativity from this situation came from the fact that I believed her untrue criticism.
What Are You Making It Mean?
Another important element of deciding if a criticism is true, is looking at what you are making it mean. Sometimes we take something true (or false) and make it mean something that is not true. Determining the meaning you attach to the fact is essential to reducing the negativity around the criticism.
If you decide that others’ criticism is true…what are you making it mean about yourself? Are you making it mean that you are a terrible person? Do you make it mean you HAVE to change? Or will you make the criticism mean that you are a person who is in the process of improving? Will you make it mean that it’s helpful to recognize something you want to improve? You get to decide how to interpret it.
If you decide the criticism is false…you get to decide what you make it mean about the other person. Will you make their criticism mean they are rude and insensitive? Will you make it mean they shouldn’t have said it? Will you make their comments mean that they don’t care about you? Or will you make the criticism mean that they are a person struggling along just like you? Will you make it mean that this is a great chance to communicate more clearly? Will you make it mean that it’s okay if they are wrong about you?
The filter you pass the criticism through will greatly impact how you decide to respond.
Question Number Two: Do You Want to Do Something About It?
Once you have evaluated whether there is truth in the criticism or not, and what you’re making it mean, it’s time to decide what you want to do about it. You can decide you want to take steps to change, or you can decide you are happy with the way things are.
Sometimes You DO Want to Change
When someone makes a comment or critique, they have likely been affected by your words or behavior in some way. Understanding this can be helpful feedback in deciding how you want to act in the future. It’s almost like playing pool. The more you shoot a ball, the more familiar you become with the angles the ball bounces against the side or other balls and you can become better at getting your ball in the net. Criticism can be information that allows us to adjust and become more effective at living and relating to others. As we change our behavior, we continue to get more feedback and adjust until we are able to become the best version of ourselves.
Criticism Can Inspire Change to Become a Better Version of Yourself
Many years ago, we went out to dinner with some friends. One of the spouses kept interrupting the other spouse to correct them. After the outing, my friend confronted her husband, “I may not be 100% accurate when I share things but it drives me crazy when you keep interrupting me. It makes me feel like I don’t want to say anything.”
I was interested in the husband’s response. He was humble enough to listen and find the truth in her comment. He agreed that he had interrupted too much and felt bad about it. As I have watched this couple over the years I have noticed his efforts to listen better. He also decided that he would feel awkward if he didn’t say something to us to align his behavior with who he wanted to be. He emailed us to let us know that he felt bad for interrupting her so much during out meal.
I was impressed with how he used her criticism as a catalyst for change that strengthened their relationship and his own confidence.
You May Decide You Don’t Want to Change
When someone gives us criticism, it is a wonderful chance to evaluate our reasons for doing something. It’s easy to get into habits of doing things without remembering why we do them. Usually our brains have a good reason for doing what they do. Like the example above, sometimes as we evaluate our reasons for doing something we decide it’s time to change.
However, sometimes we may decide we want to keep doing the behavior—even if it’s something someone else doesn’t like. The process of reviewing our reasons allows us to gain confidence in why we are doing it. This confidence allows us to have more energy and commitment to our task.
Evaluating Your Reasons for Your Behavior Can Give You Confidence to Continue
One day a client who wanted to lose weight told me she was feeling bad because a friend told her she noticed my client hadn’t been at exercise class lately. My client felt terrible. She felt guilty for not working out more and assumed the friend thought she was lazy and overweight.
As I discussed this with my client, I asked her the first question: “Is it true that you haven’t been at work out?” She confirmed it was true. I asked her what she was making this fact mean? She said she felt like she was lazy and overweight. Then, I asked her if she wanted to change her action? She said it was hard to get there with her baby’s schedule. I asked her if she liked her reason for not going? She said if she could do it over, she’d still do the same thing. She really valued her baby’s sleep.
When she first heard the comment from her friend, my client felt awkward and inadequate. But as we reviewed her reasons, she was able to gain confidence and own her decision. She was able to recognize that she wanted to keep going with her behavior even if others didn’t like it. It also allowed her to stop beating herself up. Instead of thinking, “I’m lazy and fat.” She could think, “I’m a great mom. I help my baby get great sleep.”
Criticism Doesn’t Have to Create Negativity…In Fact In Can Create Positivity
Criticism doesn’t have to create negativity for you or for your relationship. By simply asking yourself a few questions before you respond to another’s criticism, you can create a space from which to act deliberately. In this way, you allow yourself room to handle the criticism better and even to benefit from it. We benefit by feeling less negativity, by improving ourselves, by gaining more confidence about what we’re doing, or by strengthening our relationships by communicating better.
Spare Yourself the Drama from Criticism
When someone criticizes you, simply ask yourself two questions before you respond.
- Is there truth in this criticism?
- What do I want to do about it?
