These last 2 weeks I had 4 back to school nights to attend for different children. I’m usually a pretty friendly, outgoing person. However, during the first night, I found myself feeling awkward as I sat in the classroom surrounded by parents I didn’t know.
My self-talk sounded something like this. “I feel so awkward. I know I should talk to some of these parents and get to know them. I can’t think of what to say. Oh, look some are already talking to each other. Maybe they all already know each other. The teacher is talking now, I’ll just sit down.”
You can imagine with a running dialogue like this, I didn’t talk to many parents that evening. Being a coach, I knew that I could change my behavior by changing the way I think about it.
I came home and coached myself a bit. This week I went to two more back-to-school nights. Armed with healthier thoughts, I was able to enjoy talking to several parents in my kids’ classrooms.
Changing Our Self-Talk Can Increase Confidence
I know from coaching many clients, that this type of self-talk isn’t uncommon. Many of us feel awkward when we are in a group of people we don’t know. Our lower brain starts offering us all sorts of unhelpful thoughts like “I feel stupid” or “I don’t know what to say.”
The lower brain THINKS it’s protecting us from emotional pain by causing us to want to get out of the situation or not interact. But, ironically our lower brain is keeping us from doing the actual thing that would help us feel more comfortable!
I want to share with you four better thoughts that create confidence in a situation where you want to meet new people.
1. “I know exactly what to say.”
Although I told myself I didn’t know what to say, it was a lie. When I sat down to brainstorm, I could think of many questions I could ask. Things like, “Hi, what’s your child’s name?” “How long have you lived in Shanghai?” “Which country are you from?” “What brings you to Shanghai?” “How is your child liking the class?” And the list goes on. My brain offered me excuses, but when I decided to be deliberate about it I could think of lots of things to say.
Because I know sometimes my brain decides to fog up, I’ve found that sometimes brainstorming a couple of questions to ask ahead of time can be a helpful way to give myself confidence in a new situation.
2. “Saying something is better than saying nothing.”
The truth is, sometimes we say dumb things. Sometimes we might say something that makes others think less of us, or hurts someone. After a few negative experiences saying the wrong thing, it’s easy to feel worried about saying something stupid.
However, it’s interesting to consider that when we say nothing we also hurt others—and ourselves. We deprive them and ourselves of friendship, and connection. People are much more likely to think less of us when we say nothing. So instead of guaranteeing failure, we might as well try. Saying something at least has the chance of (and a pretty high one) of succeeding in making a connection.
One of our first few weeks in Shanghai I noticed a woman at church that I remembered meeting the week before. I walked over with a friendly smile and called her by name. She gave me a strange look. A minute later, another member of our congregation who overheard introduced me and I realized I had completely mistaken this woman for a different woman I had met. My cheeks flushed and I felt embarrassed. But, the woman was lovely about it, and actually it gave me a great chance to meet her and ask her about herself. Despite the awkwardness—I’m so glad I reached out. It was the start of a nice connection.
3. “I wonder who else I could make more comfortable here.”
Chances are there are many others who also feel awkward. Changing our self-doubt to compassion is a powerful way to change our behavior. Compassion can allow us to forget our own discomfort and think about how to alleviate someone else’s.
My family moved to Colorado in the USA when I was 11. The tween years are already fraught with awkwardness, and a move only intensifies things. I remember complaining to my mom how I felt about being in a new school and not knowing anyone. I was thinking about myself and what others thought of me. I will never forget her wise advice. “There are other people who feel uncomfortable too. Look for people who are alone or look like they could use a friend. Sit by them, and reach out to them.” It shifted my focus from me, to others and allowed me to reach out. One of those first few days I found a girl sitting alone on the bus. I sat next to her and over time she became a life-long friend.
4. “I bet these people are so interesting, I want to find out more about them.”
Fostering curiosity is another great way to get out of ourselves and be more able to interact with others. Wanting to learn more about others drives questions such as, “Where are you from? What do you do for work? Tell me about your family.” I have found that other people often have fascinating things to share. However, sometimes it requires some simple questions learn more before you know what to ask.
One time my husband and I were on a group tour and were sitting across from a man during lunch who was very quiet. We struck up a conversation with him. As we inquired about his work we discovered he had just returned from living in Antarctica for 6 months. He had fascinating stories to tell about living there during complete darkness and cold for days. He talked about his research and how he and his co-workers survived. It only took a few questions to get to something so interesting about this man.
Confidence Attracts Others to Us
The way we think directly affects how we feel. If we feel awkward, it is because of what we are thinking. We can’t keep thinking the same thing and get a different result.
In order to feel more confident we can prepare ahead so we know what to say, we can be willing to mess up, we can think about others instead of ourselves and we can get curious. Confidence doesn’t just feel good, it attracts others to us.
How to Feel More Confident in a New Situation
- Identify your current self-talk and how it makes you feel.
- Choose a new thought and try it out in a new situation
- When the old thoughts and drama re-surface, re-direct to your new thought
