The popular idea of being “an empty nester” resonates with many moms. As children spread their wings to increasing independence, parents are often left behind. First, it may be as children board the bus to go to elementary school, but eventually they move on to college or independent living. The home that was once filled with life, busy demands, and sweet snuggles is suddenly quiet and empty. Our home can feel a bit like an empty nest as our children spend more time away from us. But I think the “empty nest” analogy might be inaccurate…
A Nest Full of Life
When we lived in Taiwan, my children and I watched a mother bird take care of a nest full of eggs in a tree outside our home. We enjoyed following the mother bird as she gathered sticks and dirt to make a nest, then lay her eggs and keep them warm. We watched with excitement as the little birds hatched and we loved seeing the mother bring them worms to eat. One day, however, we watched the little baby birds hopping along the branches outside the nest. Eventually, the baby birds all flew away. There was an empty nest.
The Mother Bird Doesn’t Stay in the Empty Nest
After the baby birds left, there was no mother bird in the nest feeling sad and lonely because her babies were gone—or even happy and exuberant with her new freedom. When the baby birds flew away, so did the mother bird.
Maybe there is something we’ve missed about the nature of things in our popular portrayal of being an “empty nester.” The mother bird doesn’t stay in the empty nest. And, she doesn’t define herself by what has left the nest. She moves on to a wider world.
Empty Nest
This is the first time in 12 years that all my children are in school—at least for a few hours a day. I confess, I’ve looked forward to this time. I’ve loved helping my kids grow and learn and progress by going to school, but I’ve also looked forward to personal time that I crave.
So, when I dropped my last child off for her first day of school I was a little surprised when I felt a little sad, a bit nostalgic, and even somewhat disoriented coming back to an empty house. My “nest” was empty—at least for a few hours. For years, my life has revolved around routines, snacks, naptimes, potty breaks and outings. Now, it is just me. There are no external demands determining what I must do.
Feeling the Emptiness
I took a few minutes to feel the emptiness. I noticed the quiet. I missed the sweet little footsteps of my three-year-old running in for a hug. I missed the tug on my arm from my seven-year-old to come and see the house she’d designed for her doll. I missed the wise insights from my nine-year old, and the thoughtful offers to help from my twelve-year-old. I let myself feel a bit sad and nostalgic. For more help on how to process feelings see this article.
Then I savored the quiet—something that is often in short supply around our home. I reminded myself there was lots I DIDN’T miss either—the screaming, the tantrums, the whining, and the exhausting demands. I just sat to feel. But I didn’t sit there for too long. I’m taking my cue from mother birds.
Using Emotion to Evolve
Change and loss create emotion. Feeling the emotions allows us to grow and evolve. However, being defined by those emotions or by what has happened to us does not. In fact, when we choose to be defined by loss or change we can become stuck in negative emotion that keeps us from growing into the best version of ourselves.
Taking Flight
The mother bird may sit on the nest for a short time after her babies have left, but she doesn’t stay there and become an “empty nester.” She flies away to continue living her purpose as a bird.
Similarly, I know that defining myself by what has left won’t help me or my children. During my time without my little ones it’s time for me to fly. It’s only for a few hours a day right now. I still love my nest. It’s not time to completely fly away. I have more nourishing and training to do in my nest. My little ones will still come back to the nest soon.
But I don’t want to be defined by the empty nest while they are gone. I want to be part of the huge amazing world.
The World Beyond the Nest
Sometimes I will fly to fortify my nest—to do things to make my home a better place for all of us to live. This is an important contribution. There have been things for years I’ve wanted to do and always felt there wasn’t enough time; meal planning, preparing for family scripture study, home décor. I might exercise or hang pictures or do the laundry, but I will do it deliberately—because I choose to fortify my nest, not just because it is the default of what has to be done and I’m the only one left to do it.
Sometimes I will fly far beyond my nest and do things not related to my nest at all. I’m blogging today during my empty nest time. I’m embarking on a new project to build my business as a life coach. I’m becoming someone new and different. It’s exciting. And interestingly, I’ve found I am a better mom when my little ones come back to the nest because I feel rejuventated from creating and contributing in a new way.
Flying as an Expat Mom
As expat moms, we can be particularly side-swiped by the empty nest syndrome. We’ve left our home countries with family, support networks, careers, and other things that might tether us and give us purpose. Often our children become an even larger part of our identity abroad because we are less connected to the other things. When our children leave or grow and become more independent, it can be disorienting.
As expat moms, we can’t just rely on comfortable networks we grew up with. We must work a bit harder to create new purpose. We must fly and survey new options and terrain. We may have to try something new, reinvent our skill set or fail at a few things before finding what works. We have to be more creative, more resourceful and more flexible to explore and contribute in the wider world when our children are not in the nest.
Being Untethered Means You Can Fly Higher
The good news is that being untethered to what might have anchored us also means we can fly higher. Our minds aren’t limited the way they might be in a comfortable home environment. Stretching higher means we can see more opportunities and that means we may end up doing something even more amazing than we could have dreamed up without the challenge of searching.
To an expat mom, an empty nest does not mean she is an “empty nester.” It means she is again able to fully be a citizen of this amazing world.
No Such Thing As An Empty Nester
There is really no such thing as an “empty nester” in nature. Once the nest is empty the mother doesn’t stay. She moves on to other things. Other nests. Other heights. This is what the analogy of the empty nest could mean. We don’t have to be defined by the old nest and what has left. Birds don’t. It’s time to take flight and define ourselves by something new.
Don’t Be Defined by What Has Left the Nest
- Before you can leave an empty nest, it’s important to take inventory of what has left. Feel those feelings. Recognize and acknowledge what’s changed. But don’t define yourself by it.
- Then set your sights on something new. Sometimes people become paralyzed about what the next part of their life should look like. Fear of picking the wrong path can keep us stuck in the nest. Sometimes the best approach is just to pick something and move towards it. Be willing to fly. The process of exploring expands us and evolves us to a better version of ourselves.
