A single thought may seem insignificant.  But, did you know we have as many as 80,000 thoughts each day?  Taken together our thoughts do become significant.  I did a little math. Based on the average number of words in a thought and the average number of words in a book, our thoughts would fill between 6-10 books a day!  

We are literally writing stories every day with our thoughts.

What’s Your Story?

What do you think about in your 80,000 thoughts each day?  We are constantly writing and re-writing and editing our stories about ourselves, others and the things that happen to us.  

Stories Aren’t Objective Recordings of Events

We’re accustomed to thinking that our “stories” are simply the facts of what happened to us.   However, as any good writer knows—the same facts could be told in many ways.  Our stories are actually the meaning we add to what happens to us.  

The way we tell our stories and think about the facts makes all the difference in how our stories impact us.  Think about a news story.  Two reporters telling what happened in the State of the Union address could have vastly different stories.  It all depends on the meaning they add to the facts.  

Our Stories are Often Written by Default

Many of us aren’t even aware of what stories we’re writing.  Studies show up to 95% of our thoughts are unconscious.  It doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t become aware of them—simply that we’ve become so practiced at those stories, they have become automatic.

Even if we are aware of what our stories are about things, often our stories are written by default. We don’t receive training about how to design the stories we write about what happens to us.  So, we simply react to things that happen to us and write book after book without much deliberate thought.  Some of these stories are helpful.  But some of our stories cause us unnecessary misery and suffering. 

Are your stories helping you or hurting you? 

We Are the Authors of Our Stories

We have the power of the pen.  Because our stories aren’t the facts that happen—they are the meaning we add to them–we aren’t at the mercy of what’s been written already.  We can choose the stories we write about ourselves and others.  Or we can re-write ones that aren’t servings us and change impact they have on our lives and our ultimate life story.   We don’t have to change any of the characters or what’s already happened.  We can change the way we think about those events.  

Re-Writing Doesn’t Mean Changing What Happened

Sometimes when people hear the idea that they can re-write their story or “choose” how they feel about something, they protest that it’s like putting on rose colored glasses and taking an ignorant Pollyanna-type approach through life.  I disagree. 

Re-writing your story doesn’t mean changing the characters, erasing what happened or pretending it didn’t.  It doesn’t even mean condoning what happened.  In fact, it means the opposite.  

Are You Handcuffed to Your Story?

Often the stories we choose keep us trapped.  When we feel that we are simply the character in a plot line that is being acted upon it’s like we’re handcuffed to the pen. It means the middle and the outcome of our story is dependent on others.

Re-writing your story means taking back control of the story.  Instead of letting other people or events control how you feel, YOU decide how you feel. 

Recognizing that we can write any story we want is empowering.  It essentially unlocks the handcuffs.  It allows us to look at the things that happen to us and even at our own actions, and feel empowered to choose about them.  To choose what we want to make them mean.   It also means no one can hurt our feelings without our permission. We can stop feeling like the victims of our stories and we can become the heroes of our own narratives.  

How to Re-Write Your Story

When you decide some of the stories you are telling yourself aren’t helping you, the first step is to write down what your current story is.  It’s hard to change something when you’re not sure what it is.  This part is often easy because most of us get very practiced at our stories.  In fact, the more we tell them, the more we believe them.  

Awareness

After you write down your story, look at each sentence.  Separate out the facts from the thoughts.  This is important.  It can be challenging at first.  Many of our thoughts FEEL like facts, “He’s a jerk.”  “That wasn’t fair.” Etc.  These are thoughts.  The fact may be instead “He said these words, “___________.”

Once you’ve circled the facts, you know everything else is your “story” about it.  

Our Stories Are Optional

Once you know the difference between the facts and our thoughts about the facts, it’s important to remind ourselves that those thoughts are optional.  We can decide if this meaning we’re attaching to the facts is helpful be looking at the outcome of our story?  

Are you happy with the “ending?”  Do you like how the story is evolving?  Often times our stories aren’t turning out how we hoped.  The things that happen to us may not be optional, but our experience of them is.  

We can change the story simply by changing the meaning we choose to add to the facts.  

Editing

When we realize that our “story” isn’t creating the outcome we want, we can edit it and write a new story even if the characters and previous events never change.  Good writers know an essential part of the writing process involves consulting good editors.

Editors can see things the author can’t; they give feedback to the writer about what would work better or who to see things differently. Editors can include a friend who will offer honest feedback, a therapist, a life coach, new information that becomes available to you, or consulting one of a variety of tools to help you see your story differently. The next few articles will offer various “editors” you can consult to help change your story.

Tell Your New Story

Just as you wouldn’t write a book and leave the manuscript in the closet, telling your story is important. As we tell our stories differently–it literally helps us re-write them. Studies show that our brain actually extracts the data stored in our synapses and re-organizes it when we tell it. It is then re-stored the new way we told our stories.

Changing My Story

I have experienced this process over and over in my life. We each have many stories–I’ve re-written stories about myself, my children, living abroad, losing my mom, my mothering, difficult relationships, people pleasing, and many more.

The process is powerful. It takes courage to change your story, but it’s worth the effort and discomfort. It allows you to change the middle and end of your story. And that’s what matters in the end anyway.

What Will Your Story Be?

Each of us has an amazing life story to write.  Our thoughts and the meaning we choose to place around our experiences now will determine what that story will become.  You’re already writing 6-8 books a day with your thoughts.  What will your life story be? 

July’s Blogs

July’s blog posts will be dedicated to the “stories” we write, how to identify them, how to decide if they are helping us, how to re-write them and what to do if they come back.