I’ve been potty-training my youngest daughter the last few months.  She’s caught on quickly to going number-one, but going number-two in the potty hasn’t been very successful.  

I found myself feeling quite frustrated with her and it’s hard to keep my cool sometimes.  And, a frustrated mom isn’t a great recipe for toilet training success!  

It has reminded me to go back to some of my basic tools of mind and emotional management. One particular tool has really helped me. 

Even if you’re not potty-training, this tool can apply to anything you want to keep your cool about. 

Attaching Meaning

The tool is quite simple. It’s asking yourself the basic question, “What am I making this mean?” 

Whether we realize it or not, we automatically attach meaning to things when they happen. Often, we do it so automatically, we don’t even realize it!  That meaning we attach determines how we feel about it.  Negative emotions can be red flags that the meaning you are choosing may be one you want to look at.  Asking yourself this simple question can be a powerful way to uncover the meaning you are attaching to a particular circumstance.  

The Equation

It’s a bit like doing an equation.  Circumstance + Meaning = Feeling.

It reminds me of a toy my children have where you mix and match magnetic pieces of animals.  There are two slots to fill; if you put the front end as a sheep and the back end as a pig the toys says, “You made a sheep-pig!” My girls loved making new animals and hearing their funny combined animal sounds.  If both pieces aren’t loaded, it won’t make a sound.

Likewise, our circumstances are a bit like the front end of the animal in the toy.  We can mix and match it with a variety of meanings—the back end of the toy—and each combination will create different feelings. 

Dissecting the Equation

It’s helpful to identify what part of the equation is the circumstance and which part is the meaning.  The circumstance is the facts of the situation.  The meaning is our thoughts about it.  Often, we confuse the two.   It’s easy to do, because often the meaning FEELS like a fact.

Circumstance= My daughter has gone number two every-day in her underwear for 2 months.
+
Meaning= “This is so ridiculous, she should be able to poop in the potty by now!”
=
Feeling= Frustrated

Meaning is Optional

Once we separate out our circumstances and the meaning we give them—it’s easier to see how we might be able to change our meaning about it.  

The good news is, we’re not just stuck with whatever combination we’re experiencing now. If we want to feel better, we can either change the circumstance or the meaning we attach to it.  

Most of us try to change the circumstance part.   However, sometimes we can’t change it.  And, sometimes we don’t want to.  Most importantly, WE DON’T NEED TO CHANGE THE CIRCUMSTANCE TO FEEL BETTER. 

In this case I didn’t want to put diapers back on my daughter and I couldn’t force her to poop in the toilet (though that would be nice!).  In other words, I didn’t want to, or couldn’t change the circumstance.  I realized if I wanted to feel better, I needed to change the meaning I gave to my daughter’s toilet training.  

Many Meanings are Possible

The meanings we give things are always optional.  Always. It’s one of the most powerful parts of being human.  The ability to think about our experiences and give them meaning.  

There are many possible meanings I could attach to my toilet training experience. Here are a few I explored:

1. She should get this by now!  What’s her problem?
2. Something is wrong with me—I don’t know how to toilet train a child.
3. This is ridiculous.  I shouldn’t have to clean poop out of underwear every day.
4. This is going to last forever.  I don’t want to be dealing with this when she is in 6^thgrade!
5. She’s figuring it out.  This is part of the process. 
6. I’m glad she’s healthy enough to poop and not feeling so ashamed she’s withholding it. 
7. I’m awesome for doing this.  

In other words, it’s a bit like my daughters’ magnetic toy.  The front end is the fact that my daughter isn’t putting her poop in the toilet. The back end (no pun intended ;)) is whatever meaning I attach to it.  

Choosing the Meaning = Choosing How We Feel

The meaning I choose will determine the nature of the experience for myself.  Each of these meanings will bring a different feeling with it—it’s like switching out the back end of the animal toy.  The front end–my daughter’s behavior–stays the same, but the meaning I chose to attach to it will determine how I feel. Here are the emotions that were attached to the meanings I listed above.

1. Impatient
2. Inadequate
3. Frustrated
4. Hopeless
5. Patient
6. Abundance
7. Capable and adequate

Seeing all the options of feelings and meanings they create, it seemed silly to keep making myself frustrated.  So, I decided to adopt the meaning, “She’s figuring it out.  This is part of the process.  It’s made all the difference.  I feel a lot more patient.  It’s not like I enjoy the process of cleaning up, but I don’t feel the added frustration of feeling like it should be different!  

Thinking about the meaning we add to our experiences in a deliberate way allows us to have more control over how we feel, regardless of what happens.

Is Choosing Meaning “Fake?”

Sometimes when people hear this idea of “choosing the meaning,” they feel like it seems silly that someone could just choose a meaning and go with it.  But the truth is that there are many true meanings at the same time.  Some will allow us to feel better and act better than others.  Why not choose those?  

Attach Meaning on Purpose

Are you ever frustrated by a child who acts out or doesn’t do what you’d like?

1.  Notice your feeling—it’s a red flag that you’re attaching a meaning to it that might not be useful.
2. Ask yourself why you’re feeling that way.
3. Separate out the circumstance from the meaning you are giving it.  
4. Brainstorm possible meanings and choose the best.