Decisions can take a lot of emotional energy—especially if it’s an important decision. Often the most challenging decisions are when it feels like both options have negative outcomes. There is a simple way to make these types of decisions easier.
The Problem
I was coaching a client recently about the decision to put her child in a sport when the child didn’t want to do it. The son was very talented and had some fantastic opportunities to play on an elite team. However, the son didn’t want to do it—the pressure felt high to him and the kids on the team weren’t very kind. She wanted to do the right thing for her son—and felt like it could have some important impact on him for a variety of reasons.
Our Brain Resists Options with Negative Outcomes
In her mind both options seemed negative. To her it seemed like she had to choose between the child doing it and hating it, or the child not doing it and missing out on an amazing opportunity. Neither sounded like a good thing so she found herself looping with what to do.
The brain wants to protect us. If there’s negative emotion at the end of something we naturally want to avoid it. So, if both options are negative we will usually spin in confusion so we avoid making the decision.
How to Stop the Brain from Looping
Before we could get to a decision, we had to get out of the brain looping, and going back and forth between the options, we challenge some of the negative fears she had and see if they were really legitimate. Admittedly there were some concerns with either decision. However, we discovered some interesting things as well.
Question the Negative Outcomes
As we discussed the option of doing it, even though he might not like it—he might learn to do hard things or do something even when he doesn’t feel like it. Even though some of the kids might not be kind or might not share his values he might learn to live more fully who he is—an opportunity to stand for what he believes in. He might increase confidence by developing a new skill.
Alternatively, we discussed that if he didn’t do it, he’d be missing out on a great opportunity to develop his talents. However, I pointed out that every decision towards something means he’s missing out on other opportunities. It could be that not doing the sport would allow him time to explore other interests and opportunities.
As we looked at the negatives of each decision in a more positive light—it allowed the brain to stop being so defensive, and be able to think more clearly about the decision. It doesn’t mean there won’t be some negative consequences, but it allows the brain to see a bigger picture.
Stop Being Undecided
- Write down the outcome you fear about both options.
- Challenge each of those fears. Is it possible they are exaggerated? Is it possible they opposite is true? Is it possible that outcome could be good, even if it’s hard?
- Re-write the options with your new frame. The brain will make decisions between two positives better than two negatives.
