Undefined expectations for ourselves and the roles we operate in always lead to disappointment. There is a simple solution for increasing success and satisfaction; defining exactly what it means to be a “good mom,” or a “good person,” or a good wife” etc. allows us to know what we’re shooting for.
When Dorthy set off along the yellow brick road in her sparkling red shoes and eyes wide with hope, she didn’t know much about Oz. She just knew it was where she wanted to go because she had heard the Wizard of Oz could help. When she arrived, it was disappointing to find he was just a man behind a curtain. It’s easy to put up false Oz’s for ourselves without even realizing it.
My False Oz
About 2 months after we moved into our new neighborhood in Taiwan, rumblings and mumblings started about Halloween. We live in an old military neighborhood on a mountain overlooking the city of Taipei. Because Halloween isn’t a “thing” in Asia—those who do know about it are curious. Over the years our neighborhood has drawn crowds from all over the city. Many are local Taiwanese who want an American cultural experience.
My neighbors told me, “Halloween is a BIG deal here.” “No matter how much candy you have, “you’ll run out.” “Everyone in the neighborhood decorates. You should have seen what the people who lived in your house before you did! Everyone really goes over the top.”
I was new and trying to fit in, so I started scheming and ordering on Amazon. Our family decided to do a Wizard of Oz theme. We all dressed up as different characters and we built a set with the Emerald City and Dorthy’s house with the legs of the wicked witch underneath. My husband figured out how to broadcast the Wizard of Oz movies on the outside wall of the house. It was pretty awesome. I thought I had rocked the “Go Big!”
The day of Halloween arrived and I thought it was strange that none of the neighbors had many decorations up. But, I figured they must be last minute people like I was. Around 5 I started setting things up. Still no neighbors setting up…eventually I saw a neighbor set out a table with a cloth and a pumpkin and I saw another neighbor hang an orange pennant banner that said happy Halloween. One neighbor had a few skeletons sitting around, and another had hung out some lights, but nothing too big yet.
By the time the masses started coming around we were the only spectacle around. The kids loved it and we had a ball, but I had to laugh at myself. Apparently my idea of “a BIG deal” was slightly different than theirs!
Definitions Prevent Needless Discouragement
Definitions are so crucial. I could have saved myself a lot of headache (and money) if I would have simply asked a few more questions to define exactly what “BIG deal” meant to most people. Apparently to them it meant dressing up as an adult and sitting outside with several bags of candy and a cute Halloween tablecloth.
I find that defining things—even if it’s just for myself can reduce tons of headache and extra work. Steven Covey says, “Disappointment is the gap between expectation and reality.” If our expectation isn’t even realistic, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.
How to Define Your Roles
One area that seems to have a big expectation-reality gap is our roles as mothers. I know it is for me at, at times. I think most of us have amorphous sort of ideas about these pieced together from what we saw our mothers do, what we think others are doing or things we’ve read in parenting books. My old definition of a good mom was a conglomerate of the compassion of Mother Theresa, the influence of Oprah, a home like Martha Stewart and hair like Jennifer Anniston. I often measured my success by how my children acted and performed. It’s no wonder I often felt like I was falling short. My expectations were completely unrealistic!
Be Realistic
If we take time to actually DEFINE what a reasonable mother would do—it gives us a more attainable goal and cuts out the disappointment gap between expectation and reality. There are many ways to do this. One is to look around and find someone who has accomplished what you want to do or be as a mother. Ask them how they define success and how they got there. Another way to be more realistic about role definitions is to take your big vision goal and break it into smaller step-ladder goals. Make sure the first step is something you know you can do! Define success as the first goal, then move to the second one when you are consistent at being or doing the first. Success helps build momentum a lot faster than failure.
Make Sure Your Definition of Success Doesn’t Depend on Others’ Behavior
In addition to unrealistic ideals, sometimes we set ourselves up for disappointment by including things in our definitions that we can’t control. For example, we might include the choices our children make, or we might include the way our children treat us as part of our measurement tool for being a good mother. What our children do cannot be an accurate measure of success, because it is something we cannot control. (Clearly we may want to change what we’re doing if our children aren’t responding the way we hoped, but it’s important to consider children may not respond no matter what we do.) Our definitions of success must include only things that WE can control.
Be Specific
One of the great creators of discouragement is generalities. Words like “always,” “never,” and “everybody.” While we know intellectually that no one is perfect, we often expect it of ourselves. We assume that others are able to someone achieve perfection. Our subconscious definitions of success often include things like “never yell,” and “always take time to listen,” “everybody else takes their kids on amazing vacations during the summer,” “always make a healthy dinner.” While these are excellent ideas to strive for they make it hard to live up to success. Getting specific and thinking through what we actually can and should do can help. “I will try to make a healthy home cooked dinner 2 times a week.” Or “When I want to yell, I’m going to snap the rubber band on my wrist.”
Define success in a very specific way. Here’s my new definition of a “good mom:
Love my children. Teach them things I feel are important. Model being a happy and healthy woman most of the time.
The Emerald City wasn’t all that Dorthy had dreamed it up to be; it was something she had built up in her mind as THE ultimate destination and the solution to all problems. When she actually saw the man behind the curtain it was a bit disappointing, but it turned out it was even better! Define what you expect of yourself. Make sure it’s realistic, specific and only YOU control it.
Define it
What is your current definition of a good mom?
Get a piece of paper and define what it means to be a “good mom” Is your definition realistic, specific? Are you completely in control of the outcome or are others involved?
This works well for other roles too–define what it means to be a “good wife” a “good employee” a “good person” a “good daughter-in-law.” etc.
